I have been away basically all week due to things being busy at work and not having Internet access at home anymore. So now I am going to try to get back on the horse...
Yesterday I turned 40. It was an okay day. By the evening I had become really depressed and emotion and basically thought all I wanted to do was go to bed. So I went to bed, but could not sleep. I ended up watching like 3 episodes of "Criminal Minds" while the girls piled into bed with me and fell asleep within minutes. I was feeling kind of abandoned and miffed because my husband didn't really seem to give a damn that it was my birthday. He ended up having to work, and I ended up in a training all day, so we saw each other for all of an hour before I went to a training at 8:45am. He had made the comment that he was going to get me a card, and leave it on my pillow. Well, stupid me, I forgot my Al-Anon lessons and allowed myself to have an expectation, and of course, there was no card. I knew not to expect a gift, as he said he couldn't afford a gift. A card is no big deal. My mother and my best friend and my best friend's parents sent me cards for my birthday, so I didn't need another card. It's just the tiny effort that doesn't ever really get expended in my direction. Yet this morning, I get him a latte and a pack of (cheap!) cigarettes, and don't even think about it. Until later, writing this. And then, I think, wow, I got him more on for a Saturday morning ride to work than he bothered to worry about for my 40th birthday. Stinkin' thinkin.' Not healthy. And yet. How do I demand more respect and dignity for myself? Do I even bother? I am thinking not. My daughters didn't even try to draw me a card. My sister's kids did. Of course, my daughters also blew off Mother's Day as well. And come to think of it, I was so immersed in trying to work my program, I didn't expect, and wasn't disappointed, when my husband blew off Mother's Day as well. More stink' thinkin'. And Mother's Day was INVENTED by a freakin' card company as a purely commercial enterprise.
Oh well, on to bigger and better topics:
I have decided to - and registered this morning - to participate in NaNoWriMo. It's basically a countdown for the month of November to write a 50,000 word novel. I joined my regions this morning, and basically signed up. I look forward to taking the time to do it.
I am also considering writing a FAST grant (because it is due November 10!!!!) for a two year program to establish and expand disability-related employment program in my area. I learned about it at a training this week (where I was Thursday and Friday), and I am kind of excited about it.
Being a person with "a" disability (mental illness in the form of depression and anxiety, migraines, fibromyalgia, and once diagnosed with [adult] ADHD), I feel very strongly that people with disabilities can work and be valued and valuable employees. Hell, *I* am one of the hardest working people I know. So I am convinced that everyone can make a difference in some sort of work. Working with assets and talents rather than looking at restrictions and limitations. What can I do instead of what I can't do.
And depression.... well, I am tired of talking about it. I know I promised I would do a series of posts on it, but.... sue me. I can't face it right now. I really want life to be looking up instead of down. And I still have too many demons of my own that can still rear their ugly heads. My goal is to one day live without this illness. However, I am not sure if that is going to happen. I would love to be able to do as well off medication as I am doing on. But I cannot foretell the future.
The present moment is enough. It has to be.