Saturday, October 31, 2009

Slithering back out of the abyss...

I have been away basically all week due to things being busy at work and not having Internet access at home anymore. So now I am going to try to get back on the horse...

Yesterday I turned 40. It was an okay day. By the evening I had become really depressed and emotion and basically thought all I wanted to do was go to bed. So I went to bed, but could not sleep. I ended up watching like 3 episodes of "Criminal Minds" while the girls piled into bed with me and fell asleep within minutes. I was feeling kind of abandoned and miffed because my husband didn't really seem to give a damn that it was my birthday. He ended up having to work, and I ended up in a training all day, so we saw each other for all of an hour before I went to a training at 8:45am. He had made the comment that he was going to get me a card, and leave it on my pillow. Well, stupid me, I forgot my Al-Anon lessons and allowed myself to have an expectation, and of course, there was no card. I knew not to expect a gift, as he said he couldn't afford a gift. A card is no big deal. My mother and my best friend and my best friend's parents sent me cards for my birthday, so I didn't need another card. It's just the tiny effort that doesn't ever really get expended in my direction. Yet this morning, I get him a latte and a pack of (cheap!) cigarettes, and don't even think about it. Until later, writing this. And then, I think, wow, I got him more on for a Saturday morning ride to work than he bothered to worry about for my 40th birthday. Stinkin' thinkin.' Not healthy. And yet. How do I demand more respect and dignity for myself? Do I even bother? I am thinking not. My daughters didn't even try to draw me a card. My sister's kids did. Of course, my daughters also blew off Mother's Day as well. And come to think of it, I was so immersed in trying to work my program, I didn't expect, and wasn't disappointed, when my husband blew off Mother's Day as well. More stink' thinkin'. And Mother's Day was INVENTED by a freakin' card company as a purely commercial enterprise.

Oh well, on to bigger and better topics:
I have decided to - and registered this morning - to participate in NaNoWriMo. It's basically a countdown for the month of November to write a 50,000 word novel. I joined my regions this morning, and basically signed up. I look forward to taking the time to do it.

I am also considering writing a FAST grant (because it is due November 10!!!!) for a two year program to establish and expand disability-related employment program in my area. I learned about it at a training this week (where I was Thursday and Friday), and I am kind of excited about it.

Being a person with "a" disability (mental illness in the form of depression and anxiety, migraines, fibromyalgia, and once diagnosed with [adult] ADHD), I feel very strongly that people with disabilities can work and be valued and valuable employees. Hell, *I* am one of the hardest working people I know. So I am convinced that everyone can make a difference in some sort of work. Working with assets and talents rather than looking at restrictions and limitations. What can I do instead of what I can't do.

And depression.... well, I am tired of talking about it. I know I promised I would do a series of posts on it, but.... sue me. I can't face it right now. I really want life to be looking up instead of down. And I still have too many demons of my own that can still rear their ugly heads. My goal is to one day live without this illness. However, I am not sure if that is going to happen. I would love to be able to do as well off medication as I am doing on. But I cannot foretell the future.

The present moment is enough. It has to be.

1 comment:

  1. I don't think it Stinking Thinking.

    I actually think you are practicing the first of the 3 As.. Awareness.

    Of course a wife would Expect her husband to do something sweet for her on her 40th Birthday.. It is not that other kind of

    Expectations that lead to Resentment..

    This was a very special day... and this is what alcohols do..

    Been there.. had it happen to me..

    Happiest 40th Birthday to YOU....

    And your children are young.. you have to teach them to give a gift to you... and not just receive things.. (if the dad does not teach them).

    A million hugs.......

    Alcoholics are selfish.. when they are in their disease whether active or not-active...

    I decided personally not to bother with any alcoholic ever again..

    My daughter is not drinking as much; but I would never let her move back home.. she still drinks.. she either does too much or purposely hurtful on important occassions.. (no Balance)... I have learned Awareness; Acceptance and the Action is not to burn myself out doing too much for her EVER.. (said lovingly)