Monday, August 31, 2009

My time

Today I have been thinking quite a bit about time management. I had to counsel a couple of employees on their time management skills, and their resulting lack of inefficiency at work. I do not profess to be the queen of time management by any means; one look at my all work and no play lifestyle would attest to that. But it made me think about what motivates each of us - including me - to care, to decide to put forth the effort to make effective change come about in our lives, and in other people's lives.

At this point it may be necessary for me to disclose that I am looking at a couple of marketing jobs I can do while I am working my current job. I am resigned to the fact that I am the financially responsible one in my home, and I am going conduct myself accordingly.

Today I came to another realization as well. I have been so busy that I have failed to stop and thank the universe. I have not felt despair or depression for almost TWO WEEKS now! This is a miracle. Anxiety is another story. Without the depression to cut through, the anxiety has been wreaking some havoc, having full reign. Time to reign it in.

Well, I'm off to put the finishing touches on some stuff at the office and then go home. Not sure what I am going to feed the minions at home. We'll see.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Reading and writing... not so much on the arithmetic.

This weekend I read that book that everyone is raving about, The Shack. I gave it 3 stars (out of 5) on my goodreads review. Not because it was terrible. And not because it was pushing Christianity. I actually like the ideas that it set forth, and have to admit, if my mind was that broad when I was a Christian, I would have stayed one. Back in the day I did feel especially connected to BVM, and I still honor that commitment in many ways. One thing that I really liked about The Shack was that at one point in the book the protagonist actually envisions god as a black woman. Now, that is an image I can honor. And the qualities that She showed, loving and nurturing, are ones that many people in this world need from their god. I'm not going to make this about my own beliefs or tenets; I've written about that in an earlier blog.

I also started reading Nicole Krauss' The History of Love this weekend. Although only a couple of chapters in, I am really enjoying it. I was sucked in by the second or third page. I love it when that happens.

Also have been really throwing myself into work. I am neglecting writing, and my friendships again. And I am feeling alot of quilt over that.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

What I am I?

Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted to be a writer. With a capital W. But life got in the way. Other things happened. My own words reared up and turned against me, and I was no longer able to find any redeeming value in them. They became merely tools I used in my daily life, in my work, to advocate and try to change things for other people.
Now I look to them for solace, and find they have left me. Now, to borrow a line from Edgar Allan Poe, all that I see or seem is merely a dream within a dream.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Neglectin' nothin' but the blog

I have been extremely busy in the last couple of weeks. My mood has stabilized a great deal, and I have been overcoming some pesky cold/flu issues, but haven't missed any work because of it.

I am actually enjoying my full time work now. Things are going much better and I am having a larger say in how things are being handled, which I do attribute in part to why things are going better there.

I am also doing some consulting work, and this will bring in a little extra money, so that is good.

St Timothy is working part time at the agency where I work, and he actually enjoys it, so that is a huge surprise. I only hope it continues.

Chloe is actually enjoying school, and so far it appears she is doing well. Last year's homeschooling really helped her be ready to accept more work and responsibility.

Tara is doing well, more energetic than ever, and saying the cleverest and funniest things. This morning, for example, she checked me to make sure my "heart is beeping." She then took a health history and looked for something in her toy box to help me "just calm down." Then she came over and put a stuffed dog on my forehead (for the fever and headache) and rubbed my feet. Then she gave me her Elmo to rock. What a good physician she is! Now, how soon can she get through med school and support me in a way to which I would like to become accustomed?

(I promise to write something more insightful later. At the moment, I am just glad to have a moment to post.)

Today I am meeting my mother for a late lunch on the river, and I am going ALONE, sans children. Almost like an adult.

Never mind the fact that I have a stuffed dog on my head.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

The plot ever thickens...

Well, I am both more stressed than ever, but also feeling like I am trying to take more control of my life.

Today I went to the farmer's market and grocery, and completed the shopping for the week. I am happy to report that I bought lots of fruits and vegetables, and that many of them are organic. I also found some great pears and blackberries, and am putting the pears and bananas out of my kitchen counter, so when anyone in the family wants a snack they can grab that instead of the usual crap junk food they eat in loads. I bought no junk food, no convenience foods other than fresh fruits and vegetables they can consume raw...

I'm also happy to report that St Timothy has almost made it through all his training so he can begin working at the same agency I do. He will be doing direct care, and he is working with his direct supervisor tonight.

Chloe started school this week. So far she loves it. And so far she seems to be doing well. I hope this all continues.

Now, if I could just become rich and famous, things would be okay.... seriously, my mother bought a car this week and gave it to me to drive, I just need to make the payments and pay the insurance, and I already paid the first 3 months' insurance. I still want to get more caught up in bills so I can do things like buy Chloe some school clothes, but this is okay, and will get better. At least now I can get to work without breaking down on the road.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

What I have read this weekend...

This weekend I have been home reading. I did go out yesterday to learn more about Sonoran Bloom and TriVita which is making a HIGE difference in how I feel - both the physical pain as well as my energy levels and mood. If you have any issues with inflammation, mood, chronic pain, or any of the above, please let me know. I will send you some information! Free gifts of health to follow!

I have been reading quite a bit this weekend. So far:

Hark! The Herald Angel Screamed (An Augusta Goodnight Mystery) Hark! The Herald Angel Screamed by Mignon F. Ballard


My rating: 3 of 5 stars
This is the first of this series that I have read. The characters were likable; a few were a bit stereotypical, but overall enjoyed the book.
GREAT recipes at the end. I am making the jam cake and lemonade cake this week!

View all my reviews >>

And continuing my growing fascination with the graphic novel format...

Syncopated: An Anthology of Nonfiction Picto-Essays Syncopated: An Anthology of Nonfiction Picto-Essays by Brendan Burford


My rating: 4 of 5 stars
The very concept of this book I heartily endorse: a series of picto-essays from different authors on different subjects. What unites them? The graphic format and the desire to share some opinion or slice of life.

While the different contributions were of varying quality, the overall package is very interesting, and I look forward to more of Syncopated.

View all my reviews >>

and

My Mommy: is in America and she met Buffalo Bill (Fanfare) My Mommy: is in America and she met Buffalo Bill by Jean Regnaud


My rating: 4 of 5 stars
This is a sweet and interesting look at how children deal with having the truth withheld from them. Very interesting. Worth reading.

View all my reviews >>

And of course, on my table to begin next are:

Puccini's Ghosts

and

In the Shadow of the Master: Classic Tales by Edgar Allan Poe and Essays by Jeffery Deaver, Nelson DeMille, Tess Gerritsen, Sue Grafton, Stephen King, ... Lisa Scottoline, and Thirteen Others

These may take a while, however. I also checked out the third season of The Sopranos, so I will be watching it too.

I have determined that I would lose my mind if it weren't for my library - it is about 2 blocks from my office, and I am there at least weekly. They have an awesome friends' bookstore (open to the public too!) as well.

Other than that I have been spending lots of time with Tara this weekend, and cleaning a bit on the house (nothing drastic!) as well as cooking (chicken & dumplings yesterday in the crockpot, shepherd's pie tonight). I am less than academic at the moment, and am enjoying it enormously.

This week Chloe starts school again However, Tara will be homeschooled another year by my husband and myself. There is no full-day school for her in our town, and I am working in the next town. And her father is going to start working again, as I am going to employ him myself. St Timothy will be very busy from now on, indeed. He will miss working elsewhere.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

A good reason to write:

Alas for those who do not sing, they die with their song still inside them.
- service of Yom Kippur

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Resolve

Today I resolve not to scream. Not to slap the crap out of the next person who assumes my time is their own to schedule without consulting me. To give the benefit of the doubt when St Timothy of Self-Indulgent Slack tells me at 2:15 in the afternoon that he is tired and taking a nap, despite the fact that he has done nothing for 5 days, and went to bed after I did, and was still asleep when I left for work this morning. Not to spit out my tea because I have misestimated the cube to loose sugar ratio. Not to hack all my hair off with scissors or shave me head because my hair is hanging in my face and annoying me.

Whew, I feel better.

Oh, and not to laugh at my counselor when she tells me I really should get out every day, no matter how bad I feel.

A very wise person gave me some wisdom about looking at all of this as an opportunity for growth. That makes more sense and helps me put things into perspective. I also agree with her - I wish I did not have so many of these opportunities. I think I keep getting them though, because I still haven't learned whatever it is I am supposed to learn. Very rough. I wish I wasn't so dense.

Maybe I am too old to learn new tricks?

Or maybe not.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Every day brings a surprise... or not.

Today I discovered I am back to being the only working adult in my household.

This does not surprise me.

But it does disappoint me.

A nice girl and a nice cup of tea

Hmmm, I am analyzing my title. Think I will leave it unchanged, as I aspire to both.
That is, I want TO BE a nice girl, and I want a nice cup of tea.
Couldn't sustain the fiction, could I? Well, at least you know I don't lie about tea.

This morning I am feeling more optimistic ....as I wrote this last, a rolling wave of thunder jarred the atmosphere around my house. Maybe optimism is something I am not supposed to talk about.

Pity. I want to be more optimistic.

It would be a nice change from the dark, depressed, emo-birthing old bag I am at the moment.

Speaking of emo, yesterday I took my own emo-queen, the 13 year old birthed of my loins, to the middle school for a math placement test. She attired herself in cut-off shorts defaced in Sharpie-bold lettering, and a hoodie, despite the day's temperature of over 80 degrees (F). She slunk in, little wisps and pools of emo following her into the behemoth of a school like so much toxic vapor. And she ensconced herself in a chair of the counselor's office and gave me the evil eye, boring it into the back of my head like an arsenic-laced auger. Then she slithered off to ignore the math test, no doubt, with as much angst as she could muster.

Have I mentioned I *love* being the parent of a "teenager"?

The other offspring is sprawled across my bed like a net of sticky toddlerhood, just waiting to catch someone in her web of play-with-me-NOW.

Gasp, my children are just like me....what a shame.

Rejoining the world...

Today I decided to accept the offer of full time employment at the agency where I have been doing independent contracting for the past year.

This is probably a good thing. We need the money. Although the offered salary is quite low, it will be more than I am making now. And if I am to work anywhere full time, I prefer to be in this place, where people support me and feel that I have a unique talent for what I do. Where my opinion is valued.

A part of me wishes I was brave enough to trust in my writing process, to focus on writing full time, and make it my life's work. Unfortunately, this is not an option right now as I have a family to support. Yeah, I am married, and yeah, St Timothy is working at the moment. But as I have learned the hard way, this is not something I can depend on. So I have to make plans to be able to support my family the best I can, alone.

And a part of me really resents this as well.

So it is past midnight, I have to get up early again tomorrow, and live to fight another day.

Oy.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Sunday nights

Every Sunday night I am plagued with insomnia. I start obsessing about all the issues and problems facing me in the coming days/week and then the anxiety kicks in. And then sleep will not come. And it stays away until the morning comes, when I am overcome with exhaustion and want to sleep the entire day away. This cycle keeps occurring. And the physician solution has been to put me on a prn (as needed) anti-anxiety med. But it makes me a zombie, even at the smallest dose. Even at a halved smallest dose.

Oh well. Here goes another night of courting sleep and relaxation.

Until tomorrow...

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Bad poetry is fun.

Apologies to the faint of heart.

Here is a rough draft of a bad poem. My index finger is very sore, and so typing is kind of rough at the moment. So I thought I would put a video blog on here instead. Yet I can't resist the urge to type some meaningless crap here as well, to make excuses for how bad the poem is.

Also of note, my new copy of Stephen King's Secret Windows: Essays and Fiction on the Craft of Writing came in the mail today.
Oh well. If I could just get out of the house and go drown my sorrows in an Indian buffet, my blogging audience could have been spared all this carnage. video