Monday, June 29, 2009

Another day, another dollar.. or less

Lately I've been struggling with a bout of depression that is threatening to suffocate me. I have been isolating, helped in part by continuous car trouble and no money, and basically exhausted beyond belief. It takes everything I have to put in the minimal amount of social time - enough to get through at work without people thinking I am a total misanthrope - and no more. I can't face my Al-Anon friends or meetings or my sponsor; not because of anything they have or have not done, but because of my inability to speak about things that mean anything. Writing about it here is both easier and yet harder than anything I am attempting right now.
I am seeing a counselor and am going to look into pharmaceutical intervention, basically because this is persisting way longer than I can handle and is stronger than I am at the moment.
Discussing this with my family has been futile. I get the same tired response to "Snap out of it" or "why are you so depressed?" Never mind the fact that I have been this way for most of my life - as long as I have had memories, basically.

The next right thing?
Try to write.
Do my daily readings.
Talk to my *very* few friends who have travelled this road, and know what depression truly is.
And try to look through to the other side.

Thanks for listening/reading/being there.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Just my observation...

Knitting with recycled silk is a lot like life. It can feel exhilarating as it flies through your fingers, it knots up back on itself most of the time. But when you run your hand back over it after you are finished it feels tacky and divine.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Overwhelmed by it all...

It's been a hideous month.

That is really the only way to describe it.

The month started off with my grandmother's fall and then she died four days later. She was 97 years old, and I realize all the stuff everyone says - she had a long good life, she was 97 and so death should not be a surprise- yet it was still hard to lose someone you loved and tried to make happy and proud of you for your *entire* life. She was the person who made our family place such a high value on education and spirituality. She really believed all the things she said, and she lived by them too. So no, it was not unexpected that I would lose her - hell, we all gotta die sometime - but it was hard. And it still is. Because I am so used to calling her, and taking her food and talking about things with her, and going to see her. My kids loved her and loved going to see her as much as possible. A big part of their life is gone. Someone who loved them unconditionally is no longer here to do that.

Then the mechanical pieces of my life started to fall apart. Both of the cars. My laptop. The air conditioning unit in the house.

Finally, I am going today to have some tests run regarding my own health, and of course I am fearing the worst. At this point, the worst may be welcome. That is the sorry truth.

Also this month a dear friend of mine lost his father. He is so young to live with this pain, and I can offer weak words to him.

I guess I need to move on. I keep doing this. But it keeps spirally downward.

Video with an interesting perspective

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Honoring and Remembering: Lillian Ryan 1911-2009

I am working on a new short story in memory of my grandmother, Lillian Ryan, who passed away on June 8.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009


The past week has been very crazy to say the least. And I would not have gotten through it all without my friends. I have been very blessed, lucky or gifted - however one believes - to have such good friends.
One would think, with such a blessing, that I would have learned by now not to isolate like I always do. Yet here I am, having to force myself through the isolation and out the other side.

Yesterday morning about 9:00 am Eastern, my grandmother passed away. She was moved to ICU the night after her surgery on Friday, and her organs began to fail due to her heart not being strong enough to circulate blood to them.

The past two days I have been working and trying not to think about anything.

This weekend I spent crying, calling priests to give her Last Rites, and basically trying to not lose my mind further.

It might be safe to say it is gone at this point.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Losing my mind... and my mind appears to want to leave...

The past few days I have been living a marathon of endurance trials. It has been rather interesting.
It started about two days ago. I was feeling decent, but I had nightmares that kept messing with me.

Yesterday I was almost killed by two different trucks who had run a stoplight and stop sign respectfully.
Then I went to the library and made the mistake of closing my eyes for a second when I got a drink from the water fountain and my four year old disappeared for almost 10 minutes. I scoured the place and found her upstairs in the children's section with her older sister.

Last night my grandmother fell and broke her hip. She is 97 and I got the call at the 4:30AM. At the moment I am in the hospital room with her, thankful that she is still talking pretty well.

So I am trying to numb myself to get through the next few days. Maybe longer.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Good news and good friends

Today Tim went to a job interview and they seemed to like him, so he may have strong job lead. He also is going to check out another job tomorrow, and he has lots of experience in it, so it may be promising too.
And we got the Paris house completely ready! We move the last crap out of it tomorrow!!! It has taken years!!!!

However, I am still struck by life's eternal weirdness. A friend called tonight and her husband has been laid off. She has stuck by me and been a better friend than I have throughout all my travails in the last year, so I am really feeling for her and her way cool little family.

Well, I am exhausted and need to be up early to work. so I am going to bed. Thanks for reading, folks.