It's been a hideous month.
That is really the only way to describe it.
The month started off with my grandmother's fall and then she died four days later. She was 97 years old, and I realize all the stuff everyone says - she had a long good life, she was 97 and so death should not be a surprise- yet it was still hard to lose someone you loved and tried to make happy and proud of you for your *entire* life. She was the person who made our family place such a high value on education and spirituality. She really believed all the things she said, and she lived by them too. So no, it was not unexpected that I would lose her - hell, we all gotta die sometime - but it was hard. And it still is. Because I am so used to calling her, and taking her food and talking about things with her, and going to see her. My kids loved her and loved going to see her as much as possible. A big part of their life is gone. Someone who loved them unconditionally is no longer here to do that.
Then the mechanical pieces of my life started to fall apart. Both of the cars. My laptop. The air conditioning unit in the house.
Finally, I am going today to have some tests run regarding my own health, and of course I am fearing the worst. At this point, the worst may be welcome. That is the sorry truth.
Also this month a dear friend of mine lost his father. He is so young to live with this pain, and I can offer weak words to him.
I guess I need to move on. I keep doing this. But it keeps spirally downward.