Been going back to meetings. Since Wednesday I have attended a meeting every day, did a Saturday morning meeting today, and planning on a meeting tomorrow night in Lexington, and taking my daughter along for Alateen.
Today the meeting topic was serenity. I ended up leading the meeting, and I am grateful for enough serenity to lead a meeting.
This week we have talked about forgiveness. This is very important for me to learn about. After pondering it a while, I have discovered that I am not very forgiving to myself or to my husband who is my alcoholic. Because of the hell he has put me through in the past, I walk around looking behind every corner and into every shadow anticipating drunken cruelty, rages, and disappointments.
Reading after reading has told me to lower my expectation for other people, or to have none at all... what if I did this for myself - and lowered my expectations of the negative things as well?
What if I don't expect him to drink or to be sober, but have NO expectations for him? What if I have the expectation for myself that MY SERENITY takes the highest priority, no matter what silly shit someone else is doing?
We also talked about abundance at another meeting this week. One of the best heard things in that meeting to me was to BE GRATEFUL - GREATLY FULL - for even the smallest of things, comforts or gifts in our lives. This is a good thing for me to ponder on too.
From my Al-Anon journal:
SLIP = Serenity Losing Its Priority
Letting other people suffer their natural consequences of their actions allows them full personhood, dignity, and shows that I am not putting myself above that person.
I also had to think about the idea that it is HIGH time I let go and released my Fifth Step to my sponsor. She has her hands full, and I am not sure at this point she is ready to hear it, so I am also thinking that maybe I should find another sponsor. Any input on this would be appreciated.