This afternoon I basically had a breakdown. I let my sister lead me into reacting, and then I got off the phone and took it out on my husband. It was a short-lived temper tantrum, and I apologized to him as soon I could (which was about 20 minutes later).
There are just a whole lot of things about myself that I despise. And there are a whole lot of things about myself I am learning. For example, if I am to recover, to heal at all in this life, the contact with my family of origin is going to have to be as limited as possible. By this I mean, I will be most successful with limited contact with my mother and father, and no contact whatsoever with my sister.
At this point in my life, I am choosing the addicts I am dealing with. I choose to deal with my husband, as long as he chooses to work on his own recovery. I am choosing the immature people I am dealing with, like my children. I gave birth to them. I am not dealing with the immature person that is my sister. I am not dealing with the addict that is my sister. I am not dealing with those who consistently and historically treat me with disrespect and derision any longer.
People may do the best they can at the time. I know I have, and it has not been enough, not by a long shot. But I do not choose to judge any longer. I cannot know anyone else's motives, or emotions. But I do know that I have to do a better job protecting myself than I have done in the past. I just need to behave a little better at the same time.