Today was another day lost to the gray fog. Not to the fibro fog, although my body is not connected enough for me to know if I am having a flare. But I feel like I am lost again to the miasma of disconnectedness that is my dead soul, or apathy, or nothingness...
Is it depression? Yes, I guess. Although I don't have the energy to feel the lows. No highs whatsoever. My three year old wants to go outside because the weather is warmer, and thank goodness my thirteen year old is here and feeling less hormonal than usual, and will play with her. Tim just appears as lifeless as me, or is irritable and angry. I am slightly jealous, as I don't have the energy for irritability or anger. I do worry, a bit, to the extent of my energy, as my friend from Louisville is coming in this weekend and will want to do something and this will include my moving about, making conversation and the like. I tire even thinking about it, and I adore her. I love my friends, and it is not fair that I suck so badly. I love my kids, and I just don't have it in me to interact.
Today I went to the grocery. I took the kids to lunch. And this was as much as I could force from myself. I could not make anything else happen. I could not unload the groceries from the car, nor could I put them away in the house. Chloe (the 13 yr old) had to do those tasks. I could only sit on the bed and clutch a library book.
So am I taking the meds? Yes. Are they helping? I really don't think so. There are no highs or lows. There is just this pulling away.