Monday, February 15, 2010

Snow days and blue days....

There is something about a snow storm that folks aren't ready for.

Overnight we got slammed with the edge of a clipper system (delivering 3 to 6 or 6 to 9 inches, depending on where you are and who you ask), on top of last week's 4 inches of snow, which was on top of the 3 inches and then 2 inches of the week before.... Long story short, our town is running low on salt and today being a federal holiday, they decided not to treat the roads until later. This gave me the fun experience of having to turn around (and get stuck!) on my trip to work this morning, and drive back home.

Something about being back in the house and having limits imposed on my ability to go out and get away from my kids and my husband kind of makes us all a bit stir crazy. Since moving to the apartment, we have no room to get away from each other and just be in a more serene place without all the interruptions.

We are living in basically three rooms here, and it is a far cry from the house we lost.
It has forced us to confront how we don't really get along, and don't really have much in common except living together.

And it has been interesting that we are already holing up in our respective spots in the apartment. The 14 yr old in one bedroom, me in the other, and my husband in the living room.

Not that I've gotten a diagnosis of seasonal affective disorder, but it does seem that this winter has been harder on me. I miss sunlight and warmth. I need space to move around in. And right now, outdoor space is too cold.

So no, we're not in the midst of the snow corridor, but it has been enough to clip my wings enough to cause some anxiety.

I have gotten the nerve up to seek counseling, and got a call today that they are able to shoehorn me in to see a nurse practitioner next week to get back on meds. This was not the easiest decision to make for lots of reasons. First, I am concerned that if it keeps getting worse, I will be forced to take medication my entire life. I also am concerned because I don't have health insurance, so the list of medications I can afford is very limited. And I am not sure I can arrange to see someone who can write a prescription for the meds, especially on an ongoing basis. There is layer upon layer of what is causing me to hesitate when it comes to turning to meds to help again.

On the other hand, 40 years is enough time for me to know that I need something more to help me beat this.

No matter how much my family or my alcoholic criticizes me, I know that I am my own worst critic. This does nothing to help me fight this.

One more thing the weather does is keep me from a meeting. Tonight I am going to look online to see if I can find a online meeting. Some way to get my meeting when I can't get to a meeting.

As I've been typing this I've had the A & E show "Intervention" on. My alcoholic came in and said, "Are you still watching this shit?" Meanwhile I keep typing.

Sorry for the meandering and pointless post. Maybe later I will be able to be more coherent.

I am getting ready to start reading Pia Mellody's Facing Codependence and Breaking Free. I hope they help. My sponsor has recommended them. I am hoping they will help me.


  1. I think I heard of some places... that have a whole long list of medication for only $5.00 or something like that.. Was it Walmart .. ???
    Do some research to see where you can get medication for less money.

    Also can you be looking for another job that does give you coverage... it is a shame to be working and not have coverage.. I'm not sure what field you are in; and how much job opportunities in your area.. but maybe just send resumes and whatever happens happens. (hugs)

    Keeping you in my prayer. I do understand..

    One thing the closer I get to my 50s.. the more calm I am.. the depression sometimes lessen as you get older. I don't know why.. but when I was your age 40 I think it was more powerful. (not sure if that makes sense).. but people do get calmer as they get older.. more mellow. I'm grateful for the depression lessening as I age. (hugs)