Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Another long day....

Today was another long day at work. I started working from home on paperwork and phone calls around 8am, and I just sent my last fax and took my last call a few minutes ago, at 11:30pm.

There was alot to do today. And by working I forgot about my depression and the stress of all the things that are falling apart in my life.

I am sorry to admit this is why I am a workaholic too. It is nothing for me to work days like this, or a series of days like this. It's Tuesday and I have already worked 26 hours. And I am salaried, so I *don't* get paid by the hour.

Work is an escape.
It is where I get my esteem.
And it;s where I can get patted on the back for my perfectionistic, control-freak tendencies.

Like a good and grateful Al-Anon, I can admit all these things now.

So when I look at shortcomings, I have to admit this is one of my shortcomings.
I have to admit the truth.
No matter how well this character defect has served me, it has also brought me alot of resentment and problems.

Today I was able to do what I have to do, and I am not resenting it. Not when it was happening, and not now. This is a gift.

I am happy I was able to get what I got done, and happy to have a job in these economic times.

Finally, I am happy to be home, watching Letterman, typing in bed on my laptop. My laptop is back working (after $250 to replace the hard drive) and we have internet after me paying the $140 bill, plus the $25 reconnect charge.

I am happy I am learning to stay in the bedroom and stay away from my alcoholic who is either drunk or manic, or both, for the second day in a row and is acting loud and bizarre and argumentative.

I am trying not to think about being trapped in my own home by this situation.

This is what I am going to do: read until I fall asleep and then let myself sleep until just before 8am, if possible, and then drive my car to the office instead of leaving it for the alcoholic, so I am not trapped anywhere or dependent upon him to get anywhere.

Try to take care of myself.

Find that next right step.

1, Found an online OA meeting last night and really enjoyed it. Got some ESH and shared some ESH.
2. Found an online Al-Anon meeting last night, and was so happy I did. I still really prefer face to face (f2f) meetings, but when I'm snowed in or unable to face leaving the house, I am so grateful that online meetings exist.
3. My daughter, Tara
4. I have a job
5. I'm able to lie in bed right now.
6. Taking time for a shower this morning, and enjoying the lavender and jasmine shower gel!
7. Caffeine, and going to Starbucks this morning with my boss (he paid again!)
8. That my daughter is still up to see me (since I have been gone all day) and is watching Stupid Pet Tricks with me.
9. My HP, and the people whose blogs I read who inspire me to remember gratitude.

There must be more, but I am getting too sleepy to be coherent...


  1. Terre,
    I understand how work can be an escape, but like you said it is also a time when you get appreciation and "atta boy's" which we all need from time to time. And here is another one for you: no matter how things appear to be falling down around you, step by step you have handled them. Just keep that in mind... step by difficult step you ARE moving forward!

  2. This is good: 'Try to take care of myself'..I'm glad you are realizing this more and more (hugs).. Keep going to meetings.. hugs..