Monday, March 1, 2010

Let go and let god...

I just received a phone call where my sister asked my husband to come watch her son because my mother has the flu. What my sister did not tell him was her son is sick with the flu too. And both she and my mother want my husband to come over there to watch him from 4:30AM on, knowing my daughter - WHO IS NOT SICK WITH THE FLU - would have to come too. No thought or consideration about exposing her to an illness that is obviously very contagious. Her son has infected everyone in his house, including his mother and grandmother. Also no thought to the fact that I will most likely catch it too, as I have to drive everyone in my house everywhere as my husband's car still isn't running. None of them work. But I work 7 days a week, and really can't afford to be ill.

They also were calling to tell me not to seek treatment for my depression. They have both done their best to talk me out of getting any help for the depression, which is getting worse and worse, and have told me that I will lose my children and my job "If it gets out" that I have sought treatment or admitted that I am depressed. It's almost as if they would rather have me suffer in the disease than get help. I am not sure why they feel so threatened.

It's hard to face the fact that people who are supposed to love you, and people I have made myself ill for, don't really care.

This is one of those times that I am glad that I have listened a bit at meetings. I have learned enough from conversations and reading to know that I cannot control another person's actions, or how they feel about me.

This weekend I worked very hard cleaning out the old house. I am actively grieving over the loss of the house, and what it represented to me. It has been very difficult being there and letting go of the idea I had of myself and my life there. It represented my finally growing up and having a decent home where there was room for my children to grow up, for me to write, and for us to have heat and air conditioning, and a decent quality of life. During this time, I have been overwhelmed.

Of course, throughout the entire process, I have been fielding phone calls from work on an almost hourly basis, staff calling about "crises" which are mostly manufactured or just drama.

My blood pressure yesterday was 140/98.

Once again, this is one of those times I am grateful for the opportunity to listen to someone wiser than I. My self care response has been to repeat the title slogan above, and go to bed. Not to go to my bed and not get out, not to isolate, but to try to sleep. The anxiety has made that quite difficult, as well as the ringing of the work phone. Tonight I managed to sleep 2 hours, and during that time I got 2 work calls, the last one just before 11pm. During the day I am in training for the next two days, so I am only turning on the work phone for the morning and afternoon breaks and the lunch hour. I have heard to turn the phone off, but I work with people who are supported 24/7 by the agency, so I am supposed to be available to call out 24/7. I am grateful to be in training, to have someone else being in charge for just a little while, and all I have to do is listen. it's the closest thing I have had to a day off in quite a while.

I am grateful that my daughters have not succumbed to the flu that everyone else seems to be fighting at the moment. I am happy they have so far stayed well. My older daughter did stay home today with a sore throat, but that was from working in the house cleaning it out on Sunday for about 10 hours. With no heat on, it never got above 35 or 40 in the house.

I am grateful we got my husband's car to run long enough to get it to a mechanic in our old town. They will have it for 2 weeks and we will pick it up on the 12th. Then he will be able to drive himself to and from work. And I will not have to get up and pick him up at midnight Thursdays through Sundays. That may allow me to sleep more.

I am grateful that I am going to be seeking treatment on Friday for my depression. I am grateful for the program a therapist located to assist working people without insurance with access to mental health care. I am grateful that this therapist has come through with this resource. At first I was not that impressed with her, but I trusted the process and it may be panning out.

I am grateful that my husband helped out a little bit with the move issues. I had asked him to do about 4 tasks, and he did three of them, and refused to do the last, as it is cleaning out a refrigerator of spoiled food and he is disgusted by it. Since it has to be done, of course it will left for me to do. This is how my life has been for about the past 30 years.

I am grateful that tomorrow is another day. And if I am not here for it, I am grateful no matter what. If I am here, I am grateful for the chance that things just might get better.


  1. It makes me so sad to read about your struggles. I wish I could pluck you from your life and give you some rest, relaxation and rejuvenation. I can't do that but I can pray for you. And I am.

  2. Sending you hugs. I feel you are going to get on track and take care of yourself. I wish I could be there to send you a real hug.