Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Checking in....

I've been busy and lazy and no longer have Internet service at home, so blogging has not been a priority for me lately. I've been reading lots of blogs, especially my favorites, because my homepage is iGoogle and I have Google Reader on it, but not been blogging myself.

The past few weeks I have relented and went back on medication. I was hoping - and still hope - that this is something I won't have to do the rest of my life, but for the moment, it beats the alternative. Hell, it may even be keeping me alive. Who knows? The long and short of it is that I am no longer in the depths of despair. I am still not an optimist, nor optimistic about the future. But I don't think that I won't be able to make it any longer... (what an awkward sentence) Those of you who have been there will know what I mean. And those of you who haven't, well, use your imagination, or judge me; at this point I know that it's not up to me.

Part of the reason I am feeling better I attribute to the weather. It's finally spring in Kentucky, and we have fabulous seasons. Today it may reach 70 degrees (F), so I am planning on doing a road trip to visit my last two out of town clients this afternoon. I am glad that I have the ability to somewhat plan my schedule at times to do this when the weather is not bad.

On the home front, things are the same. I finally declared war on the mess last weekend, and spent most of the day cleaning the tiny kitchen. It had not been cleaned AT ALL since before I went into the hospital, so there was about 3 to 4 weeks of dirty dishes, trash, etc. All gone now. The entire day I was resentful about having to clean up after the other 3 people who live in my apartment, especially when two of them are perfectly capable of doing dishes or taking out the trash - at 14 and 47, they really should. I was also horrified to find they have been telling my 4 yr old daughter just to "throw that on the floor, mommy will get it." This, to me, is beyond obnoxious.

Two days ago I came home from a 11 hour work day and my Al-Anon meeting and my husband was drunk. I avoided him the best I could, but honestly, I was seething inside. I read until I fell asleep. Then yesterday he calls me at work, sober, and he asks me what I am planning to do that evening (meaning what am I going to make them for supper). I told him, "Well that depends in part on you. If I come home and you are drunk like you were last night, I am leaving." He said he was only drinking, not drunk (despite the fact he almost fell over in the kitchen while meddling while I was making dinner). I told him "Alcoholics can't drink. Drinking is drunk to an alcoholic." He admitted that was true. And he said no more. And he was not drunk when I got home last night. But of course, today is another day. And I have no expectations for him at all anymore.

At work I have been keeping more healthy boundaries. This has caused some major flack of course. One person who makes more than me yet has less than 1/3 the education or experience stated she was not going to be on call, and talked about how much she resented doing anything after business hours. She has only recently, in the past 3 weeks, had to do any of it because I have stopped doing it all. I did it for a year, never complained. Now it is actually funny - and affirming - to me to hear someone else complain about it and make a big deal about it. In the same meeting, I clarified my job title and explained to the owners of the company that I was in actuality still doing three jobs and really would not be available to handle every crisis that occurs. Still no money coming my way, so I am the lowest paid person I know doing even one of my job titles. But for my sanity, I have pulled back. Yesterday I even told them I had put in my 8 hours and I was tired, so I was going home and going to bed. And I did. It was a nice 30 minute nap.

So today I am working on lots of paperwork, meeting someone at the office here in 30 minutes to help do an assessment, and then going to visit out of town clients in the afternoon. Here's to a day with some sanity and serenity...

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