Sunday, February 15, 2009

The best decision is to make no decision.....

Some days I feel that naming this blog is like writing one-liners for fortune cookies. A quick scan perusal will yield a list of trite bullshitty type of cliches or punny sayings in the list of titles.

Anyway, the angst of Thursday night gave way to some late night viral mental rants, and by Friday morning I found myself so violently physically ill I did not have to make a decision regarding the job or an interview or anything. Because I could not sit up. Quite literally. Now, in the wee hours of Sunday morning, I am able to sit up in bed in again and focus my eyes without the room spinning, and I have discovered a few things:

1. The world did not end without me up and running it.

2. I had a further conversation with the job offer folks and the offered salary is much lower than I anticipated and WAY lower than I am willing to give up homeschooling my kids, my chance at trying to make a go at this writing thing, and basically crawl back into the rat race of stress that consumed and almost killed me.

3. My mental health is simultaneously more precarious and not as endangered as I originally conceptualized it to be. When I step back and just take care of me, I am okay. It's when I try to be the 1950's perfect DAD that it all goes to hell.... Although, I must be pretty damn crazy to think I gotta be the 1950's perfect dad and take care of this entire family on my own, right?

4. I have as much right to be as artistic as anyone else. This includes enjoying myself, expressing myself in knitting, writing, or drawing or painting, no matter how terrible the result.

Thanks for the indulgence. Maybe when the virus or whatever the hell this is clears my system I will be back among the living rather than just contemplating it.

1 comment:

  1. I think you summed it up quite nicely. Isn't it amazing what we come up with once we step back and take a moment just to hear yourself think!