Testing the bounds of good taste AND my patience... is fun, apparently.

Today was one of those days.

I was lulled into a sense of complacency because I went in to work, and was crazy-productive the first part of the day. I then decided to walk around the block (I work in downtown Frankfort) to eat some lunch by myself at the Lebanese restaurant (very good place), and as soon as I got there, my cell phone rang. My doctor's office was calling me to tell me to come in early because my doctor had an emergency surgery going to take place when my appointment was originally scheduled. So I walked back to work, packed up all my stuff, files and laptop, and got on the road to Winchester (a couple of counties over). When I got there (about an hour) the office staff told me that he had already left to do the surgery. They told me I would have to come back tomorrow and have my pre-op appointment then. I was upset because I wish they had just rescheduled me over the phone, and not made me make the hour trip there.

So I went to meet my mom at a local Mexican place, had a margarita, and then went to Goodwill and looked at junk for a while. Then I went to a friend's house and ran an errand with her, and then came home. SInce I've been home, it's been just like the old days when I came home to an alcoholic. Is he drinking again? Who knows? But I am not going to live like that ever again. Especially not now, when I have so much other stuff crashing down around me.

Hangin out in the hills in a coffee shop!

Today I am spending the better part of my work day in Berea, KY, at Berea Coffee and Tea doing interviews for respite providers in this area for my job as the staff development director at an agency that serves adults with disabilities. This is what I do to pay the bills - or to attempt to pay the bills, as there is not alot of money in Medicaid, and one must wait extra to get the money.

So anyway, there all alot worse ways I can spend a day of work. However I am getting hopped up on caffeine and not getting any of the writing I envisioned doing on the sly when I booked this day. Oh well.

And interview habits are confusing me. I've done this alot in the past, so that does not bother me, but people bringing their boyfriend to an interview??? That is a red flag for me, what do you think, dear reader? Or applying for jobs that require a drivers license when they have none? Oh well. I must be confused.

I used to live in Berea, so this is alot like old homecoming for me. The Berea Coffee and Tea Co. has changed alot since I was here last. A major face lift, looks more like a coffee bar. The caramel latte was nice and frothy without being gassy, and the I am getting ready to sample a sandwich and some kind of lunch fare, so I will have more input in a bit. Or maybe not - they did not have change for my electric bill money, so I am getting a coke only - and now will have more caffeine floating through my body with no solid food to stem it, so it may get ugly in the land of hyperactivity and GERD/ulcers! Oy vey.

Of course, I am showing great restraint by not running out of here, forsaking the interviewees I have lined up, and going shopping at Berea College bookstore or the Robie & Robie bookstore . Yes, I am the picture of restraint. And a workaholic to boot. And a hungry workaholic. Whose last interviewee is late.

I am also kind of bitter because one of my best friends is moving today and I am not there to help her. I am going to head that way to help when I finish here, but I could have been helping all day. And she is the person I think of when I think of writing at a coffee shop all day. It is a habit for which two of my friends have instilled lots of respect in me! (Tip o' the hat to Renee and Kim!)

Oh well, perhaps my last interviewee is forsaking me... I wonder.

Ah, I could be taking pictures of the foothills. I have been inside long enough. Time to pack up my computer, take a look at the book I brought to get me through the day (which I haven't had a chance to even open) and put the finish on this very caffeinated day....

What color is Sunday morning?

Today's color is LAZY.
I want to lie in bed and read, a pastime I usually want to indulge in pretty much 75 to 95% of the time. But today I think I may be productive later, so I may give myself a break now with the understanding that I will get off my duff and actually accomplish something later.

My burst of creativity was short-lived last night, as I went to bed shortly after I posted last night's blog. I did dust off my writing practice notebook this morning, and actually wrote a few lines. It had been over a month, actually just a few days before my grandmother's fall since I had last done practice. My last practice was pretty good, so I hopefully can jump back on that inspiration and ride it out of the stable of ennui. Also this morning I made some tea and was going to enjoy some solitude, but Tim woke up and Mr Dog (AKA Kruzer) jumped in bed and so that was not to be. Needless to say, the actual writing practice is yet to come, but it is going to come soon - BEFORE the nap.

Other than that, I have no hard and fast plans for the day. I want to cook something. I also want to do something about all my books that are piling up all over my house.
I checked out One Skein Wonders from the library this week so I plan on determining a small knitting project I can work on in the next two weeks during my pre-op, surgery, and post-op recovery. As my daughter says, between the books, my laptop and some yarn and sticks, I might be able to get through this without smacking the crap out of someone.

An urge to change...

Right now, this minute, I am feeling the urge to change. I credit/blame it on another very nice 2 hour afternoon nap. Those countries who observe the tradition of an afternoon siesta are *very wise.* The change I am feeling is to express myself in a way other than bitching and whining on my blog or to my long-suffering yet patient friends. I - who cannot draw a straight line - want to paint. I want to start really writing again. I want to make something other than myself. And no, I don't want to produce offspring. I think my body is sensing with the impending surgery that I will no longer have the reproductive capabilities so I want to produce in other, more various, and less needy ways.

I am also wanting to stop making excuses not to put myself out there, to stop not engaging except on the most mandatory levels of life.

A friend told me about blogathon, and I am going to try that this year.
Of course, I want to try my hand at the 24 hour comic thing too.... NOT the official title, to be sure. But after being inspired about the same friend's efforts in previous years, I want to do that as well.

Does this mean the fog of depression is trying to lift? I am not holding my breath. Tim is in a manic phase right now himself, as he has not slept in 40-some hours. Hopefully we are not going to bounce off each other's skulls by the end of the weekend. It's all good.

Freedom thoughts....

I'm already being bombarded with patriotic messages and questions of what I am going to do to celebrate this "holiday."

Due to the ongoing depression, lack of money, and general malaise in my life, I am making no plans.

But I do want to think about the idea of freedom, this nebulous idea which we celebrate once a year with loud firecrackers and cooking outside.
What if we were to celebrate our individual freedoms daily by exercising them, and exercising our rights, and fighting for the rights of others? Such as those who are disenfranchised by life, poverty, gender, race, sexual orientation, disability, religion or lack thereof, or any number of other things.
Why not celebrate our relative freedoms more than once a year?

Lastly, can someone help me with that pursuit of happiness thing?

A new month

As July begins, I am hopeful. Hopeful that it is a better month than June was. In the past 30 days I feel like I have been blindsided by life. So I look toward things getting better.

Once again I am trying to figure out how to make all my bills get paid, get myself to work, and get through each day.

On the 7th I go for a pre-op appointment, and on the 15th I have a minor procedure and exploratory surgery done to get to the bottom of the pain I have been having for the past few months that has intensified in the last month or so. I am interested in finding answers, but am not sure I will like the answers, if that makes any sense.

Meanwhile, I am about as lonely as one person can be while living with people who do not connect - except perhaps to demand more of me.

Loose ends continue. Nothing new there.

Thanks for reading. Maybe later I will write and it will make sense.

Tomorrow starts my writing practice again - it was interrupted by the cycle of death that intruded in June.

Another day, another dollar.. or less

Lately I've been struggling with a bout of depression that is threatening to suffocate me. I have been isolating, helped in part by continuous car trouble and no money, and basically exhausted beyond belief. It takes everything I have to put in the minimal amount of social time - enough to get through at work without people thinking I am a total misanthrope - and no more. I can't face my Al-Anon friends or meetings or my sponsor; not because of anything they have or have not done, but because of my inability to speak about things that mean anything. Writing about it here is both easier and yet harder than anything I am attempting right now.
I am seeing a counselor and am going to look into pharmaceutical intervention, basically because this is persisting way longer than I can handle and is stronger than I am at the moment.
Discussing this with my family has been futile. I get the same tired response to "Snap out of it" or "why are you so depressed?" Never mind the fact that I have been this way for most of my life - as long as I have had memories, basically.

The next right thing?
Try to write.
Do my daily readings.
Talk to my *very* few friends who have travelled this road, and know what depression truly is.
And try to look through to the other side.

Thanks for listening/reading/being there.