Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Today's topic is a loaded gun for me. So I will try to handle it well and carefully, with the safety on.
I've been married twice. The first time was out of a sense of guilt and thinking it was what I should do. The second time was out of delusions of domestic bliss which is embarrassing, because I was way too old (34) for any kind of romantic illusions at that point.
In my mid-twenties, I had the urge to procreate. As an afterthought, I thought I should get married.
Skip ahead almost 10 years later, I had the illusion that I wanted companionship and that marriage would supply that. Apparently I had learned nothing from the first experiment.
The saving grace from the social experiments of my marriages are my daughters. I am very happy with them and feel as if they justify my illusions. However, it is ridiculous for me to have expected anything else from the institution of marriage. In my experience, marriage does not guarantee companionship, financial security, intimacy, or much of anything else either. There are those who will say that marriage is one of those bizarre set-ups where you get what you put into it. That may be true, and I have two responses. First, kiss my ass. Second, I have so little left to give when I am doing all the work to support my family and make all financial decisions and handle all crises and issues that befall my family, I have nothing left to give. Marriage is just one of those things that exhausts me in practice and irritates me in theory. (And no, I have no desire to hear about your perfect marriage with a working partner. I've heard that story already. And no, don't pray for me or my evil heart to be turned.)
Since both the poor victims who have had the misfortune to be married to me are still alive, I am limited as to what I can say about marriage. Let's just say I am no expert. And I won't be doing it again.