This topic falling on this day is a very nifty cosmic joke. And yes, I am laughing. Because I have been at it for about 15 hours of work and am just now taking a break to write my daily blog entry. The ironic part is that I also went to an Al-Anon meeting tonight and asked that we talk about the topic of insanity. And then I come home, finally get a chance to look at the Topic du Jour list - and the topic for the 28th is BALANCE. Yummy. As soon as I complete this blog entry I am going to get to spend another 3-6 hours catching up on typing up paperwork. The good times, I got 'em.
Balance is something I do NOT have in my life. This actually falls into the worry category, as I am very concerned that I may some day lose my mind. If not go actually crazy, I am pretty sure I will have a stroke.
Today I felt so overwhelmed by everything, everyone making demands, that I almost cried.
I have no idea if it's because my mom is so sick she can't sit up at the moment. She apparently has some stomach virus and throws up every time she tries to sit up. I came home tonight and cleaned her bedroom. She didn't want me to, but it needed it badly. It's hard to know when she is sick if it is from the cancer, the chemo after effects, the radiation, the diabetes or if she has this damn rotovirus that is going around.
It may be that my youngest is sick too. She hasn't been able to go to school in almost a week. I don't deal with her - or my oldest either - being sick very well. My first ten years of motherhood were lucky; Chloe is preternaturally healthy. She is 17, has had three stomach bugs and one ear infection her entire life. Tara gets sick constantly, is allergic is Zithromax and Omnicef, and has had like 20 ear infections and at least ten stomach viruses, in her 7 years.
It may be that financially I can never catch up. A couple of weeks ago the gas was shut off. Now I have a disconnect notice for the electric and water. The rent is paid, thank goodness, but we've had a car I haven't been able to afford to get out of the shop in months. At some point they are going to sell our car or whatever it is that they do.
It may be the physical pain just draining on me. Hurting every single day for the past eight years has taken its toll.
It may be that I am just exhausted. Spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically.
It may be that it just doesn't matter. Because sooner or later, the Universe will make me find balance. This usually happens when I get too ill to work or move or participate in society. It hasn't happened in almost 6 years. But it has happened.
I really don't want it to get to that point again. So I try, little by little, to relax my standards. The housework can wait. I can only do so much for other people. I start saying NO more and more. (That part feels pretty good, I cannot lie.) I go to Al-Anon meetings and I listen to my straight-talking, smart as hell sponsor. I read and I pay attention to great writers and I really feel, not just look at, their words.
I write my ass off.
And I seek truth, learn lessons when they present themselves to me. According to Mary K. Greer, the High Priestess is my Soul Card. Sometimes I gotta shut up and listen to the High Priestess. And she rarely teaches me with words. For some reason, I think she could guide me in balance. And I am so ready to learn.