Last night my four year old was sick, and so she and I cuddled up in my bed and watched the Peanuts special, "Happy New Year, Charlie Brown." Those who know me well know that I love all things Peanuts, so this was a nice respite from an otherwise long day. And my daughter was healed by "mommy cuddles," or so she claims. At one point in the show, Charlie Brown is talking to either Lucy or Peppermint Patty, and he talks about the changes he is going to make in the coming year. Never one for New Year's resolutions myself, I got a real kick out of what he said next.
"This year is going to be different. I have always dreaded the year. This year I am going to dread one day at a time."
This brought a real smile to my lips. I am working on Steps Six and Seven at the moment, and I say that I am working this two Steps more or less together because as soon as I feel I am done with Step 6 and humbly asking in Step 7, I have to go back and *really* question myself - am I entirely ready? The unequivocal answer is YES, but then I catch myself falling back into the old negative patterns of thought, self-criticism and crazy frustration with my alcoholic.
(Case in point: I love to fall asleep with my glasses on. I like to read or watch television until I basically lull myself to sleep. He, on the other hand, wants me to sleep with my glasses off, lights and television off, and not read at all. So if I do fall asleep, he comes over and takes my glasses off and puts them somewhere, not remembering where most of the time. Since I can't see to even walk without my glasses, this is not good. Last night he took them off and put them on my altar. In the last week he has put his phone, my glasses, his spare linty pocket change, unwrapped linty mints, and other things on my altar. I read this as him not having respect for my spirituality and spiritual identity. After all, he has made disparaging remarks about my not being a traditional Christian (i.e., Protestant) in the past. When in all actuality, he is probably just doing this because it is the closest available surface. I build up all this resentment over something so small...)
I am working on asking my Higher Power (who is like a Goddess who is the sister/mother/female version of Jesus, and also likes fairies and elves... but I digress again) to remove these shortcomings and character defects, and then I catch myself piling the resentment right back on my husband's head. He ain't perfect, nowhere near it. But I'm not sure that he deserves all the crap I am angry at him for either... In accepting that I can't control him or cure him, I am reexamining what our relationship really is. Truth is, we have almost nothing in common and go most days without exchanging more than a few sentences. He wants to sleep constantly, and I constantly wish I had as much time off as he does to sleep. BUT my lack of days off is not really his fault. I do choose to work too much.
So anyway, I know there are people out there who have worked these Steps longer and more often than I have. I would love to hear from you. If there is another shortcoming that good old HP is removing from me daily, it is the willingness to ask for help. That feels good.
On a side note, my EX-husband (who is on good terms with my husband and my family and even me more or less) is coming today with a friend, a truck and a trailer to move some furniture for me. I asked him to move my oldest daughter's things she cannot have at the apartment to his home, and he has agreed. He might even move some furniture of mine to the new place today! How awesome is that??? I am in awe of the goodness, HP. Send me more, please. Please. And thanks for opening my eyes. It's a good thing to see.