Hmmm, physical pain. I've already said so much about this, it seems redundant to go further.
I am no stranger to physical pain. I have at least two chronic diagnoses that over 90% of other people I have met are on complete disability for. I always get the reaction, "How can you work?" from these people when I admit that I too share their disease. In all actuality, it never ended my mind that I can't work. In the early 1970s, I remember seeing a comical paperback book title: "It's Been Down So Long It Looks Like Its Up To Me." I have no idea where I even saw that book. But I do know that almost 40 years later, that phrase sticks in my mind. (I don't even know what the book was about. I didn't read it. I sight-read signs and the spines of books when I was three and four as my bored English teacher mother was on bed-rest with her pregnancy with my sister and taught me to read as a lark. Hence, I read alot of things I did not really delve into further.) That phrase kind of sums up what life is like in my nuclear family. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done. Occasionally it gets done, but grudgingly and haphazardly.
So, while I would like to give into the physical pain, or give myself a break at times, I am too much of a worrier and control freak and not willing to be homeless or live in utter filth. Which, without my efforts, no one else is really invested in preventing. I am aware of this. I have no choice but to accept it. As a result, I work through the pain.
The ripple effects from this are bitterness (Hello? You have read this blog?) and exhausting (ditto) and increased pain. I have aged 25 to 30 years in the last 10 years. And basically little concern for my own self-care. Simply put, I am too exhausted/bitter to do the things I know I need to do to take care of myself. If no one care enough to help me, why should I bother? And of course, on any given day, I have at least 50 other people demanding my attention, diverting it from any type of need I personally may have.
Compassion fatigue coupled with physical pain. Wow, I may have found the cure for codependency.
(image from http://talking2mymoon.wordpress.com/