TdJ: Sleep Habits

I was all set to write about how I never get any sleep.  And this may be true tomorrow and for the rest of the week.  But I snoozed last night from about 9PM until 5AM this morning.  None too shabby.  Of course, my husband and my mother came in and woke me up.  My mother just wanted to give me a newspaper article on fibromyalgia (ironic, since that was my TdJ yesterday and the newspaper article said WAY less than yesterday's bog post), so that was nice.  But Tim came in and woke me up twice.  Once to look at what was playing on my television ("As Time Goes By," I am a sucker for the older BBC stuff} because my mother was watching television in the living room and Tim was suffering from some kind of withdrawal not being lulled by the idiot box for an hour or so.  And then again to tell me that I needed to move my books off the bed so he could put Tara (our 7 year old) in my bed because he had decided that she needed to go to bed right then, that she needed to sleep with me, and if she did not go to sleep, I would be the one to wrangle sleep from her.  Oh, and I forgot about the third time he came in to wake me up.  He had lost his phone and was looking for it.  Said he needed to set an alarm to get up this morning to get the little one ready for school.  He forgets he has an alarm clock on his television which is now less than three feet away from his couch nest.  

Last week I started the week on no sleep at all.  Mainly because of my teeth aching so badly that I could not sleep, but also because of the child's sleep similar trick.  She had slept until 3PM last Sunday because I spent the morning reading and writing, and so she did not sleep at all.  Of course, she came right home on Monday afternoon and went to bed.  No such luck for me, as I was scheduled in five counties and drove home from Richmond (through Madison, Fayette, Scott, Woodford and Franklin counties, if anyone is counting) at almost 7PM Monday night with the windows down, freezing myself and blaring the radio and trying to stay awake to drive....  

I give these vignettes as illustrations about some of the reasons why I don't sleep.  There are more, of course.  

Back in my mid-thirties I was diagnosed with sleep apnea.  I snore.  I stop breathing while I am asleep and sometimes wake myself up when I do stop breathing.  I do sleep much better with a C-Pap machine.  I even have an old one.  Of course, it needs filters, hoses, etc. changed regularly.  I last did this about 4 or 5 years ago.  It cost me over $200.  It was an ordeal.  I had to call around and finally go meet a lady who reminded me of nothing but Mr Rogers' grandmother in a strangely quiet office building.  The room she led me to had a desk or two and several boxes on the floor.  She furtively slid my C-pap hose, a bagged filer and mask shield, all wrapped in flimsy plastic across the desk at me.  

She kept clearing her throat and saying she was nervous, she had never sold to anyone without health insurance before.  I felt illicit.  The entire transaction felt like a drug deal.  At any moment, I thought the Republican proprietary police would burst in and convict me - without trial, of course - of trying to purchase goods and services reserved for the Chosen Americans, lucky enough to have health insurance, running vehicles and Clean Modern Homes.  A fifties nightmare.  

So the sleep apnea is another reason why my quality of sleep is slightly shitty.  When I do sleep, I don't get the sleep "normal" people get.  

Another reason I don't sleep is anxiety.  I think many of my physical problems can be traced back to anxiety.  At the core of my being, I feel like an impostor pretending to be an adult.  Being the only adult in a household - the only working adult who worries about things like working, paying bills, having food, feeding the kids, keeping a roof over their heads, not living in filth, the kids' educations, the kids' health, et cetera - scares the shit out of me.  I know that, no matter what, no matter how sick or bad I feel, no matter how overwhelmed, that I have to get up and pretend to be an adult, ignore my interests, desires, and needs for 12 to 20 hours a day while I go to work.  Once at work, everything is my problem.  Toilets need to be cleaned?  I do it.  Trash need to be taken out? I do it.  Phone ringing?  I answer it.  Filing needs to be done?  I come in on a weekend for a full work day and do nothing but that.  Someone wants to blow off their 4 to 6 to (maximum!) 8 hour day?  I do their work and mine too.  I am the only one not allowed to have an "off" day or a day off.  Back at home, I am an asshole because I work too late.  But I am also an asshole because I don't make enough money to fund the 17 year old's  social life while supporting the husband's cigarette habit while allowing us to live in a palace.  I am also an asshole because I bitch about money and feeling overwhelmed.  I also am an asshole because I don't care if the other two adults got to watch their soap opera that day, or what time in the afternoon they decided to get out of bed.  I am also an asshole because when my family gets sick, unless I have at least $50 cash in hand, they have to stay sick and weather it through.  No diagnoses or antibiotics for us.  We aren't Chosen Americans, despite my 60+ hour work week.  

So, you see, I am slightly stressed.  This does not promote good sleep habits.  

I also do all the things you aren't supposed to do.  Fall asleep with the television on.  Keep it on all night.  Read a stack of books and fall asleep with them cascading all over the bed.  Drink too many fluids after 7PM so I can visit the Tinkletorium all night.  Ache with the fibro/toothache/migraine/arthritis/irritable bowel syndrome/gastric hell du jour and not be able to sleep.  Have a kid who sleeps whenever I am not in the house to interact with her so she cannot sleep at night when I am home.  I nap at inappropriate times on the weekends (occasionally).  

When it comes to sleep, I am an idiot.  

TdJ: Fibromyalgia

Today is the 13th of the month and according to my list, I am supposed to write about fibromyalgia.  Since I am currently only dealing with a slight flare, I will make this one public and write about it here in the blog rather than in my journal.

With these topics I will most likely blog about each rather than journal, unless the topic is very private or sensitive in nature to me or others.

- An aside.  Once I wrote something on my blog and my sister let my mother use her computer to read my blog and my mother did not like how I disclosed something, so she made a comment back.  At the time I was extremely angry about the whole thing, but through time I have realized that member of my family have their own slant on reality so each to their own.  As one of my idols, Emily Dickinson, once wrote, "Tell the truth, but tell it slant."

So... fibromyalgia.

Having fibromyalgia can - on a good day - be likened to having a really shitty roommate in college.  This roommate trashes the damn house, always fucks up your plans, has loud parties so you can never sleep, and basically puts everything you want or need just out of your reach.  Fibromyalgia is - at least partially - responsible for the fact that my bedroom, my haven from the world, is usually a freaking pigsty and why my office at work is never truly as clean as I want it.

Fibromyalgia is the reason that I feel I have no energy left when it comes to being a "real" (whatever the hell that means) mother to my daughters.  My 17 year old would say that she keeps expectations low for me.  My 7 year old is still a baby, so she loves me no matter what.  Puberty and socialization with shitty capitalists has not yet ruined her capacity for unconditional love.  Basically fibromyalgia is the reason that I have to push every bit of physical energy into working 12-18 hours a day and have nothing left for anyone at the end of those days.

In a word, fibromyalgia is a real bitch.  And an asshole to boot.

So what does it feel like?  Well, there is feeling like I have the body of a 90-100 year old woman.  Sometimes the hinges in my body don't work.  And they hurt.  Even where there are not hinges, such as the wings of my shoulder blades, it hurts.  And it doesn't hurt because I moved it this way or that.  It just hurts.  I've read it as described as "diffuse muscle pain."  If that means all over, then yeah.  But it rarely diffuses and goes the hell away.  It is always there, a seed of agony in each muscle fiber of my being, almost palpable with the power to say, "I may be feeling generous and let you do what you want today.  Or I may tell you to kiss my ass and the idea of getting anything done today goodbye."  Fibromyalgia is a fickle bitch.  On the days it is feeling generous, I may not hurt too bad.  However, I will be exhausted within three to five hours of getting up, no matter what the day.  Constant is the the companion of the lovely fibro fog.  I have to write everything down at work just to keep track and have to organize my methods of organization constantly just to keep on track.

For someone who tries to appear that I have it all together, this is a real kick in the head.

There are things that work, however.  Most of them cost money or require health insurance, or I haven't tried them yet, but other swear by them.  Here is what I have tried and what helps me survive:

1. Getting to sleep as much as I can.
I don't want to write too much about this today, as tomorrow's Topic du Jour is SLEEP HABITS.  Stay tuned, my loves.

2. Vitamins.
Yeah, really.  I found these vitamins called Bio-35, and they are actually good.  I need to order another bottle, as I am getting kind of low.  And for you jaded folk, of which I am a member, NO, I am not getting paid by them at all.  Money between me and the Bio-35 folks has only gone one way - from me to them, in me buying a bottle of vitamins.  I get the soy and dairy free, but with iron.  Next time I order I am going gluten free as I've had some gut issues lately.  You can get them here.

I also like taking vitamin D-3.

3. Gentle movement, stretching.
I don't go to a yoga class.  (That requires money, and my money is rarely spent on me, but on keeping up the household of five people on my one  income. Keeping that income going is why I try to push through this fibromyalgia stuff and not let it win.)  I try some basic yoga stuff on my own.  Not consistently enough, of course.  Moving my big old fat body through time and space, as much as I can tolerate as often as I can tolerate keeps me moving.

4. Massage.
Basically, I am a massage junkie.  If I could afford them, I would get them weekly (or more).  I can't even afford one a month, or one a quarter.  I get about one a year.  However, when I do, I usually feel better.  With regular massage I think I could get my body to do my bidding way more often.  The last few massages I have had have included lots of trigger point work, which hurts like hell when it is happening, but feels phenomenal when it is finished.  You can check out my massage therapist here.  Visit her page and book with her, as she deserves the business for working magic on me and I wish I could pay her to work her magic more often!

5. Eating right.
This means many things to many people.  But I do best on a minimally-processed, mostly vegetarian diet.  Alas, I am not a vegetarian, and since my mother has been staying with me for her cancer treatments, my menu has run more to convenience or her taste, not mine.  As a result, I am having more pain and way more gut issues.  Another one of my Topics du Jour is COOKING, so I will save more on this for another time.

I have more that I can say about fibromyalgia, but I am trying not to dwell on the negative.  I also want to remain positive and focus my physical energies on housecleaning (another topic!) and going to the grocery today.  My rowdy housemate, fibromyalgia may not like it, but I am going to do what I want today.

Strength in Numbers

Today I spent the day at PenHouse Retreat Center, attending an event called "Night of the Mothers."  A friend of mine had urged me since September to take part, and I am so glad that I did.

We spent the day journaling, our material a retrospective of the past year (2012) and setting intentions for 2013.

I came up with some good material, and at some point I may share some of this here.

Most helpful was an idea of "Topic du Jour," where we came up with worries, concerns and joys which can fuel our writing for a month, insuring we don't get bogged down in our writing, journaling, or in my case, my blogging and journaling.  I look forward to using this technique as well.

Probably most empowering was the presence of other writers, open-minded spiritual seekers.  I enjoyed sitting and listening to the wisdom of others.

I would like to do more of that in 2013.

2013: Wishes, not Resolutions

I was looking upon my New Year's post from last year - a mere 4 or 5 entries away from this one, proving I did not, as I avowed, actually blog much at all. I noticed something interesting. All my "resolutions" were written in negative language, that is, "stop doing this, I won't do that," et cetera. My messages - not hidden, but actually shouted - were not of healing but of self-hatred and denial. Words of victimhood, words of someone who was not living her life, but (barely) surviving it.

One of the gifts of 2012 was being a part of a journaling class on the Tarot, led by the luminescent Normandi Ellis. By listening I learned that words are more that just my favorite toys or tools. Words hold power, and so in choosing them I must choose well.

A word about "resolutions." Melody Beatty said, I will write down my goals "not to control, but to do my part in living my life."

So without further ado, I present my "Wish List" for 2013. Not resolutions, but wishes and soul intentions for the year ahead.

1. More time for Happiness
2. More thoughts of Abundance
3. More feelings of Abundance
4. Embracing a rich, succulent Present and Future by Letting Go/Releasing the Past which no longer serves me
5. Higher Level Awareness
6. Abundant Health
7. Balanced Sense of Responsibility
8. Love time and memory-making with my daughters
9. Gratitude
10. Meditation and Peace

I write like
Kurt Vonnegut

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

Surreality

The last week or so has been surreal. I've worked even more than usual. I have laughed, cried, and decided that the winter of my discontent may be ebbing to a close.

However, I am concerned about friends of mine. My daughter just broke up with her boyfriend and it's the first one she's professed to care about. Other friends' business is not doing well, and will close within the month. It's a time of sadness and endings.

Almost as if in sympathy, the weather in my fair state has mirrored this upheaval. Wednesday and Friday tornadoes pummeled Kentucky and some surrounding states. Photos and images on the news and Internet look like war zones. Many people have lost everything they own. One story, a young woman who graduated from a local high school used her own body to shield her children from the storm and is now in critical condition in an Indiana hospital, suffering life-altering injuries.

Over a month has elapsed since I have written. Oh, I write. Care plans, Systems theory, counseling and case notes, and the usual stuff I need to produce to run my agency. But I itch, literally thirst to do something more.

In a small room in the back of the house sits a writing desk from my grandmother's house. I vowed that when I brought it in that I would sit and write once again, like I did at the kitchen table of my youth. Or the legal pads, notebooks, looseleaf binders upon my knees, formed lap desk. When each word was like tear of blood eked out against the fabric of my imagined future.

It's kind of funny. The past is so important to me, yet I failed my youth by not achieving the future I envisioned so long ago. And only recently did I learn that I do not know my own true past. Strange. By realizing that my hold on self-knowledge is so tenuous, I am freed to create my own.

And so it goes...

You were born during a Waning Gibbous moon

This phase occurs right after a full moon.

- what it says about you -


You love to let people in on the story of how things come together. You know the background of ideas and have a deep understanding of things others just touch the surface of. You can surprise people with your wide variety of knowledge, and they'll remember and appreciate you for it.

What phase was the moon at on your birthday? Find out at Spacefem.com