Thursday, April 15, 2010

Some musings on "fairness"

Yesterday I was not in a very good frame of mind. It was my younger daughter's fifth birthday and some family and friends were coming over to have cake and ice cream and open gifts. I had to make a late afternoon run to meet with a new client in another city. While on the way there, I got a call from the husband saying the 5 year old's guinea pig was dying. The guests were to due to arrive at any minute. So I continued on, met with my client, and then came home. By the time I got home, the guinea pig was dead and all the guests had arrived. We didn't tell Tara, but after everyone else left, Tara asked about Sammy (the guinea pig). I told her about the situation. She and I cried for a while, and then went to bed.

This morning I mused over the situation. How sad it is that I can't protect her from disappointment and grief, and that it had to happen on her birthday, a day she had been looking forward to.

Life is full of disappointments.

I was told that if I worked hard and got an education, my life would be better.
Someone lied.

Everything I was taught growing up was based on the basic message or premise that I am intrinsically not good enough - that I must earn self esteem, love and the esteem of others by my actions, or by my possessions, cachet, or some external construct.

In reality, this is probably the most damaging thing about being me.

Now I want to make sure I don't sell this line of crap to my children, polluting their chances at true self worth....

Just some musings. I'll write more later when I've thought more about it.

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