The Not-Right Writer: blogathon 2009

Showing posts with label blogathon 2009. Show all posts

Sunday, July 26, 2009

#47 Blogathon 2009

Will write for money.
Seriously.
I will.
Although, considering this experience, I may have to say I will STOP writing for money. Yep, you will not be exposed to any more of my drivel if you just donate big bucks to the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance.
I encourage you, in this late hour, to visit Blogathon and make a donation through them. If anything you have read in this blog touched you, please consider donating so others can continue to access the great resources of DBSA.
It's 8:00 AM, do you know where your bloggers are?

#46 Blogathon 2009

7:30 am and all is .... well.... it is something. I would be lying if I said I was not ready for this to be over. And my brain is pretty much useless at the moment. But I fear some kind of breakthrough is imminent. as the inner critic is all but napping on the beach in Jamaica, and something decent may yet come from fingertips.

Freewriting is the process by which one writes with a flow and does not stop and edit or criticize the process in any way. Once again the idea is to produce words, sentences, thoughts, where from jewels may be culled. Or not.

I am at once wonderful and crappy at freewriting. I love the idea of it, and totally get the concept. But I am so angry and terse with my own process and words that I have to almost tie the inner critic up and threaten her with a visit from the local mafia.

Whew, that's a pretty image. I have to stop now, before I produce more messes to contemplate in the wee hours of this day with my Very Small and Very Tired Brain.

#45 Blogathon 2009

Count 'em down... In only 2 more hours you will not have to read any more of these posts.... On the second thought, you can bypass them now and go read something fluffy on iVillage instead. What? Still here? My goodness, you are a glutton for punishment.

It's 7:00am here in the beautiful bluegrass state (that's Kentucky for you out of towners), and the doves are cooing in the trees outside my window. After catching a very small nap this morning,I will be giving a friend of mine a ride back to Louisville.

It's amazing that after 22 hours I don't have anything to say. A miracle has occurred, for Terre is shutting up. For the moment.

#44 Blogathon 2009

Well, it's 6:30 and I am finally feeling a little rough. This feeling is only intensified by any catnapping I do... I am still going to do it though.

In another post I mentioned that I love my children and they are responsible for my being on this planet. Another aspect of depression is potential for suicide. My children are, for me, the best reason I have not to harm myself. I want to stick around and see how they grow up.

When I was 20 the guy I was going to marry killed himself. I was so angry at him for many years for leaving me alone. Since that time I have know some other people who have attempted suicide, and so I have some first hand experience with it. It is not pretty, glamorous or a good way to get attention. It is serious. And it is final.

If you feel like harming yourself, please contact a trusted friend, family member, or a professional.

Consult Depression and Bipolar Support Alliancee for assistance in managing mood disorders.

#43 Blogathon 2009

Looking over the past few posts is painful, to say the least. Sleep deprivation is no prettier on the page than it is in real life. The other unfortunate part of all this is that the last posts will be first, at least as displayed on my blog, so people seeing it for the first time will have read the most nonsensical first.

Well. here is my offering for 6:00am. Somewhere normal people are just waking up and having their coffee. I don't know any of them. Being normal is freakish.

#42 Blogathon 2009

Here's another attempt at some bad poetry. Remember,the key is to get the words upon the page. You can play with them from there.

at a loss, empty
there is nothing here now
words fail me once again.

Gotta the love the haiku. I can remember being in school and being forced to write them as an exercise in syllabilification.

It's 5:30 AM - spelling is officially gone.

Check out the DBSA and Blogathon.

Support the cause of your choice, or mine, just support something. There is still 3 1/2 more hours of Blogathon. Make it matter.

#41 Blogathon 2009

So far, so good.

I think I am going to rest a little. Please visit the blogathon website and check out the alliance's work here.

#40 Blogathon 2009

Wow, it's 4:30am and I am entering the last ten posts of this blogathon. What a ride.

I am sitting here watching Tara sleep, and I want to talk about the people I love more than anyone, my children. They are the reason I remain on this earth. More on this later.

Here's a picture of her sleeping peacefully. Wish I was sleeping too!

#39 Blogathon 2009

I am holding fast, but making less sense to myself. At this point I am going to set my kitchen timer for a 20 minute nap and hopefully know my own name when I wake up.

#38 Blogathon 2009

In June my grandmother died. She was 97 years old, and she was fabulous.

When she died people told me that she had lived a long life, and that her death was to be expected. I guess these types of comments were meant to be comforting. They weren't. They just pissed me off.

Most days I still cry when I think about her. There has been very little anyone has been able to do to make me "feel better" about her death. Even now as I type this, I still cry.

I want to do another blog post about faith/religion/spirituality, so I won't go into it at this time.

She had a Catholic funeral (I was raised Catholic.). It was beautiful and she would have loved it.

But what spiritual comfort I have felt since her death I felt while reading the Tibetan book of the Dead. I would like to share part of it here:

Masterfully narrated by Leonard Cohen:

Tibetan Book of the Dead: Great Liberation. 5 parts, about 10 minutes each.
Beautifully produced.

Just click each to watch…

Part a:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdnS_uXpKpE

Part b:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ThpbErYU7U

Part c:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Me9wsEz3KUk

Part d:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUrOVkIY1uc

Part e:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOjJQlqGMg4

By the way, the last words my grandmother said to me were, "I know you love me."

I can't write anymore about this.

#37 Blogathon 2009

Back in the day, I was quite the night owl. For lots of years I worked third shift and loved it. Throughout grad school I worked third shift in an office by myself, and I read and worked on my homework throughout the night, between alarms and phone calls (it was in a security department).

Fast forward through having two kids. Now I am like the queen of naps. I could sleep on command. And the last third shift job I worked about killed me.

So this is pretty interesting. I am still awake and this is my 3:00AM post. I could lie down. But not without my trusty timer.

This brings me to another salient point about the management of depression.

Sleep. It's important. It's more than important. It can make or break the most successful recovery/wellness plan.

In my own life I have had lots of sleep issues. Trouble falling asleep, trouble staying asleep. Waking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing having an anxiety attack... You name it, if it has to do with poor sleep, I have experienced it.

Six years ago I had a sleep study. In that I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. And prescribed a C-PAP machine to use during sleep. When I use the machine, I sleep better, I feel better and I have fewer migraines. Do I use it regularly?

No.

Why? Well, basically it is another aspect of self care which I neglect. When you hate yourself, hate life and feel as if you are in the depths of despair, you really don't feel like taking care of yourself. The extra effort is exhausting, and basically not a priority when you are in base survival mode. The problem is, such self neglect only perpetuates the depression.

Oh well, I'm off for a few minutes of being tortured by bad movies on late night network TV.

#36 Blogathon 2009

Here's my 2:30am post.

I encourage you, Dear Reader, to go check out the reason for this ton of blogging, the Blogathon website. We are 151 blogs strong, and our current donations raised equal $39,594.61. I am so proud of us.

I also want to talk some about the cause I have chosen, the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance. It is a wonderful resource for those of us who are living and/or struggling with depression, bipolar disorder and anxiety. Sometimes when I cannot face anyone, not even my therapist, I can log on to their website and suddenly I don't feel so alone or hopeless.

***Speaking of which, I just took my medication. That is one of the major items on my wellness plan. I know I need medication. I know that the medication makes me feel better. And I know there is no shame in taking the medications. However, sometimes I feel bleak and don't want to feel like I have to have medications to survive. Sometimes I feel bitter that I have to take medication, so I rebel and don't take it. And then the downward spiral begins; my mood starts to darken, and then I don't feel like taking care of myself at all, and miss more medication. It becomes more and more an issue. Finally I relent and go back on the meds, only to realize that it will be at least 2 to 3 weeks before my blood levels are up enough again to realize a difference.

Taking my meds is a major prevention item on my wellness plan. You can create your own wellness plan at the Facing Us website.

#35 Blogathon 2009

I am in bed and set up with the laptop on a tray. Tara is asleep in the bed next to me, and she is breathing all soft and sweet like little kids do. It's not quite a snore, more like an audible breath.

So far so good with the staying awake. I am jonesing for a snack though. That is about it. If I think about it, I could do a nap. If it persists I will perhaps set my timer for 20 minutes and catch a cat nap.

Oh well, off to grab a snack. Then maybe I can be more alert for the next post.

#34 Blogathon 2009

I am tired. I am so tired.

But not of blogging. Not physically. I am tired of living a lie. I want my life back. I want my dreams back. And I am no longer willing to let those who do not have my best interests in mind control my emotions.

When we love someone, we let them in. We let them have a piece of our existence and we hope they can be trusted not to abuse that trust. We give them power over some part of ourselves. And some people are not able to handle that power.

We are all flawed. No one is perfect. No relationship is perfect. But real love should at some point respect the feelings, emotions and personhood of the other.

You don't have to hit someone to hurt them.

At this point in time I want to stop blogging about this. Maybe later I will write more about this. But not now.

The lightning is firing back up and the thunder sounds like another round of storms is coming through. I've lost internet twice again, so I am going to post this before I lose it again.

#33 Blogathon 2009

It bears saying that support networks are invaluable. I've read some other blogs about them tonight, so I will try not to be repetitive. What is important however, is to not expect one person to fulfill all your needs whether you are living with a mental illness or not. It is not realistic or feasible, and it sets up any relationship for failure.

What makes it more difficult is when both partners have mental illness. People who are co-suffering may very well be able to understand each other more, and may have more empathy. But it is very hard to deal with your own illness when you are also handling the stress of being with someone else who has a mental illness or an addiction.

Another thing I worry about is how my illness affects my daughters. I already see my oldest showing signs of depression. And my youngest - well, I worry about her growing up in a house with me, a depressive person, and her father, an alcoholic who is undiagnosed with bipolar.

And there is the effect that my behavior, my dark moods have on my children. I feel like they are not as happy as other children and don't have the opportunity to enjoy themselves like other kids do.

At some point I may ask my oldest daughter to do a guest entry on how having a parent with depression has felt to her.

For more information, please consult Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance.

#32 Blogathon 2009

Poetry about motherhood -

motherhood does not come easily to me.

it is fierce within my chest

like sawdust it grains up my smooth plane.

fragile, she is, yet heart-breaking me in her obstinancy.

her mother a frustrated poet whose

freeloading roommate, pain, causes her to cringe,

dismember her dolls,

create kitty-litter sand dunes in the washroom,

and love her kittens fiercely, til mews interrupt.

yet somewhere in the maelstrom is a soft edge.

yet another tragic flaw birthed from me.

words are my only solace,

and that's all she cannot give me,

unless thrown in my face,

or spewing triteness, cliches gleaned from

the clay patriarch.

he has toppled.

how do i save her from the same fate?

-5/27/02

Okay, I said it was BAD poetry. The point is to write, get it on the page and out of your head so you have something to work with. Bad writing is still writing.

#31 Blogathon 2009

Internet issues are making me post this a little later than I wanted to, but here is my midnight post!

Here is a poem from my old dark days. I was quite the little drama queen. Gotta love it.

solidity

or solidarity

what is it you have that i crave?

thoughts of untouchable

ghost memories

that i cannot make tangible

through my own thirst

desire -

what is it that i am jealous of?

that you have your memory

or that i don't -

or of that memory?

i will not equate.

-terre 5/27/02

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Bonus Post - Blogathon 2009

My Internet has gone down twice in the last 10 minutes due to this storm. I will continue to write posts and post them as I have Internet service. Stay tuned, it may be a bumpy ride.

#30 Blogathon 2009

Thunder is rumbling outside and lightning is flashing in the loft windows of my bedroom.

Ever since I was a kid I have loved a thunderstorm.

As a very young child, I was terrified of storms. I distinctly remember being scared out of my wits and crying to my mother about it when I was about four. She told me to go in my room, be very quiet and listen to the storm. I did just that, and was lulled by the rain and the thunder which by that time was growing more and more faint as the storm moved away from us. I fell asleep to this sound. And from that moment forward, I have always loved storms. Especially when I am in bed and can pull the covers around me and listen to the rain.

There is a saying that is attributed to the Buddha which states with our minds we make the world. This simply means that our perceptions create our reality. Things are neither bad nor good until we attribute one or the other quality to them. I believe this in a *logical* sense. But it is hard and bitter pill to swallow when I am depressed already and something occurs that complicates my life further. It is a downward spiral at times like this.

It's true that more positive thoughts will bring about a more positive outlook. Which comes first, the outlook chicken or the thought egg?