Don't Sing at the Table: Life Lessons from My Grandmothers by Adriana Trigiani

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


I read this as an ebook on my Kindle.

Reading this book was more an exercise in revisiting and appreciating what my grandmothers brought into my life and awareness. It was less about what new or interesting value I got from Trigiani's grandmothers. After all, we learned similar lessons and values, and it was nice to see someone else appreciating them as well.
Trigiani is an entertaining writer. Her Big Stone Gap novels were a guilty pleasure for me in my thirties, and I still feel she has a great style and writes with heart.



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340th Post.

Well, today St Timothy turned 48.
Funds are fairly limited but I wanted to do something nice for him. He was sick most of the day, but tonight he agreed to go to a crappy supper at a chain restaurant. I got him a piece of cheesecake after dinner and he seemed happy with it. Tara went with us to dinner, and she sang Happy Birthday to him.
I just had higher expectations for him, or at least wanted more for him that what we had to offer today.
Expectations being just premeditated resentments, I realize that I am setting myself up to have them on someone else's behalf! How messed up is that?
Well, maybe I don't want an answer to that.

At any rate, happy birthday, Tim. I hope this year is whatever you need it to be to be happy, healthy and wealthy and wise. Peace out, my man.

When do I get a minute?

Well, tomorrow I am planning my first day off since Thanksgiving. Well, actually I cleaned and cooked all Thanksgiving day, so maybe "day off" is not the right terminology. I am exhausted beyond belief, too tired to face much of anything.
And of course, a low-grade fever, fibro flare, and coughing and congestion really make me want to crawl under the nearest rock and not emerge for a few weeks or months.

This has been a hard week. My younger daughter has been really ill with yet another set of ear infections and I have been powerless to help her in any way. I went ahead and took her to the ER, and so without health insurance we now owe the local hospital over $5000 for that visit. And then we were given an antibiotic that cost almost $200 so we could not buy it for her. So after the $5000 is paid, she still won't have an antibiotic or treatment. And people say we don't need to change the health care system in this country. Of course, those are always people who have health care.

Then my older daughter drops the bomb that her grades are cruising into the toilet. She is highly intelligent, a great writer, and very wily, so I am kind of shocked. However, she has been spending way too much time worrying about spending every spare moment with her friends, and has been posting from her cell phone to facebook when she is at school. She blames her worst grade on "not having time" to put her assignment together. So that tells me that time management is chiefly the issue. As a parent, I get to be the bad guy again and adjust accordingly.

Otherwise, nothing changes at Chez Terre. (house of dirt, how ironic.)

Checking in....

Being busy is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I am blessed to have something to do, and to get paid to do it. Especially in these tough times when lots of people don't have jobs. It also keeps me from obsessing, over-analyzing and basically hanging out too long in that scary neighborhood that is my head.
On the other hand, being busy seems to bring out my innate, inane and useless character defects of PERFECTIONISM and IMPATIENCE.

I am a perfectionist. The reasons for this are many, and start way back in my childhood. However, looking back and getting stuck in overanalyzing it doesn't really do anything good for me. So I will not go there.
However, my perfectionism makes me even more impatient that usual.
I am least patient with myself.
And then I take it out on everyone else - and myself.

I have noticed this week I am very much into my disease of compulsive eating. At the end of last week I decided to "go on a diet." Every attempt to stick to that plan of eating has just triggered more and more (unhealthy) eating. This, in turn, has triggered me to be more critical and impatient with myself. And then I take it out on others - and myself.

So I am going to do more reading, talk to my sponsor, and otherwise try to get my side of the street clean.

I don't know the next right thing beyond that.

Here comes February.

The weekend delivers me, gives me a respite from running ragged. Right?

Well, not if you are me. On the weekend, I do the housecleaning, catch up on paperwork, try to figure out how to cram some kind of personal life into about 4 or 5 hours for the week, and mull over and try to prepare for the week ahead.

I would hazard to guess that many people I know do exactly this as well.

But does it really get me anywhere, except the corner of Bitter Blvd. and Exhausted Ave?

Regardless, I am still glad for the weekends. I get a few less calls, usually, and I can relax somewhat. I can determine when I do things, but I still am unclear on delegation at times. When I hand things over for someone else to do, I really don't hand it over. I still micromanage, and then end up doing the task or redoing the task myself because the job someone else did does not meet my standards.

Already, before 8AM, on my day off, I have taken out the trash, collected dishes to wash - as the dishes have not been done for a few days, and determined that I've got to clean the kitchen, do all the floors, and do at least ten loads of laundry, clean both bathrooms, and assemble a shelf that I bought last weekend that we desperately need in the bathroom for storage, but that is still in the box propped up on the dining wall. I also have to carry the stuff up the stairs to the kids room that has been collecting at the bottom of the stairs for the last three weeks. And clean Tara's room so if I can find a bed for her she can start using her room. Could someone else do these things?

Of course.
Will someone else do these things?
Not without my asking repeatedly to the point of nagging.
And nagging leaves me bitter and angry at everyone I live with.
And sometimes nagging and begging someone else to do the basic maintenance tasks of life is as hard as just doing it myself.

So, I have worked the program on this.
I'm lowering my expectations.
I'm doing alot of the stuff myself.
I'm not arguing all the time. Many times I am closing my mouth, when all I want to do is scream, "You want me to handle that too?"
And I am not jumping to provide all the creature comforts that are demanded by those who have grown to expect and have used me to enable their issues for so long. I am still expected to buy cigarettes and devote at least $25 to habit I don't have. I still am the emergency person when someone else fails to do something, I have to swoop in and save the day, no matter how many other things are on my plate to accomplish that day. But these things are going to have to cease if I want to keep my sanity.

Basically what I'm saying is that I am going to have to shore up my boundaries. Include time in my schedule to handle my responsibilities if they are truly mine. And if it is work-related, I need to delegate more. If it is not work-related, I can relax my expectations somewhat. And still delegate.

And most importantly, stop taking care of others so much that they lose all impetus to take care of themselves. Stop providing everything so they are provided the necessity and opportunity to step up and take an active role in their own lives by providing for themselves somewhat.

By doing this, I am allowing others the same opportunities I have been given to develop and prove themselves responsible, autonomous individuals. I also show them I trust them enough to handle this stuff, and believe in their ability to do it. I empower them to do it.

And maybe, just maybe, I get a moment of peace myself.

"My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents, and I lay them both at His feet." - Mahatma Gandhi

I'm baccccckkkkkk.....

Hello, Dear Reader.

For the past few days I have been rather dismayed because my blog disappeared from Blogger. I was having a minor meltdown - well internally - I was holding it together on the outside. A friend called after I had posted on Facebook about it, and I didn't even have the strength to talk to her about it. I love talking to her, and in every conversation she says something witty or wise that helps me philosophically digest this thing called life, but I couldn't even talk to her. That's how flatlined I was.

Fast forward a couple of days, and I am getting the wind back in my sails.

Slowly but surely.

However, I am actively looking for another host for my blog. After the "missing" fiasco, I am looking at putting my ramblings in a different format, in a different place. I'll still blog, just maybe not here.

Once I have found and set up a new home for the blog, I will post something here to direct you. A link, gasp.

So on with the post:

Today I got up and went to the old office to have a meeting with an Area Administrator. I really enjoy working with her, and I won't have the chance to work with her for much longer, so I am enjoying her company and picking her brain for wisdom.
Then I went to help a client move some of her things. This took so long I was late in picking up my kids from school - about 30 minutes late! - and then I took them home and dropped them off with St Timothy of the Parental Unit. I then got back in the car, went to the office and sent a fax, and met a staff and drove her to Lexington to meet with a new referred client. And then we drove back to Frankfort, I dropped off the staff person at her car and then went to an Al-Anon meeting. I suggested we have the meeting on gratitude - more on that in a minute. After the meeting I met with a lady I really respect and admire and asked her to sponsor me. I have a sponsor who has been really good for me, and I think this lady will also kick my ass through the goalposts of recovery as well.
I then came home, sent St Timothy, Patron Saint of the Food Run, to get some dinner, and then proceeded to complete some more work calls. Now I'm in bed, having been cuddled and debriefed from the day by Tara. Looking forward to reading until I fall asleep, and sleeping until 7AM, when the alarm will wake me up for another day of fun.
Good night, Dear Reader.

The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane by Katherine Howe

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


After reading what others have said about this book, I hazard to guess I liked it more than most. Yes, the protagonist was priggish and dense in some areas, and I was not surprised about that. Overall, though, I felt that this book represented some matrilineal pride and was about history - personal history and myths and intergenerational revisioning of history - not exact history or scholarship. It's a novel, after all. I felt the exploration of the subject matter compelling, no doubt because Katherine Howe claims genealogical ties to both Elizabeth Howe and Elizabeth Proctor.
For feminist history on this subject, check out Devil in the Shape of a Woman.
But for a good read, compelling and interesting, this book did well for me.



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