The Not-Right Writer

And the beat goes on....

2012-01-22T08:17:00.002-05:00

So far this has been a strange year.

I've been sick alot. Lots of headaches, lots of fibro and arthritis pain. Suspect my blood pressure is extremely high. However, I still have no health insurance or disposable income, so there's really nothing I can do about any of that.

I've been wanting to write even more than usual. And of course, work has been exhausting me even more, and feeling crappy has sucked that energy right out.

I am actually learning, slowly but surely, that nothing is much of a big deal. My health. My work. My home. My whatever. I have lost it all before and probably will again. But somehow, I keep existing, if only for the sick sense of humor of some Supreme Being/Higher Power. (Christians, do not flood my inbox with heartfelt yet useless platitudes. I understand your faith, studied, got the t-shirt; I am not there and you can't force me. Yet. Of course, if the GOP has its way, I am sure that will change.) So what happens here, stays here and it's not a big deal. Am I certain where these thoughts have come from? Not really. It's either sanity or soul-crushing depression.

Right now I can go either way.

Yesterday I attended a fairly good Al-Anon 12 Step Workshop. It is the second time I have attended such a workshop and the 4th time I have worked the 12 Steps. Then I came home, took about an hour before I got warm again, and then fell asleep reading and slept ELEVEN hours. Usually I can only pull this off when I am severely depressed. And while I know I am going to have to drag my carcass forth to go to work 12-18 hours a day, I really don't have the will or strength to do much of anything else.

Of course, sleeping 11 hours (or more than 6) has the lovely effect upon me of kicking in another migraine, so today I will go forth to do a week's worth of housecleaning, laundry, cooking, and scrubbing. When all I want to do is lie in bed and read. And maybe watch Doc Martin.

2012 - Resolving not to make resolutions

2012-01-08T23:40:00.002-05:00

I decided to do what I can in 2012.

No swearing to accomplish heroic feats.

No deciding to fill up another plate of self-loathing in the process of trying to shrink my body into someone else's idea of acceptable.

No more trying to be superwoman.
No more killing myself to support a household where everyone has demands but no one is willing to shoulder the burdens.

I am going to change the things I can. And let the impossible sit it out.

What is not impossible is this:

Write more. Such as type a few lines on the blog once a week.

Eat something healthy instead of shit. I am stretching every dime to buy food as it is, so I might as well as buy something less horrible.

Read more. So many books, so little time.

Breathe. Get back on the cushion.

And finally, the hardest thing of all:

Forgive myself. Stop hating myself for being ugly, fat, slow, stupid, and a self-sacrificing doormat that has achieved not one of my dreams but most of the duties and descriptions thrust upon me by others.
Forgive myself for all the above, and make the last years I have be extraordinary for having one less person hate me: Me.

I'm hoping this is not impossible.

2011-11-04T08:01:00.000-04:00

I write like
Cory Doctorow

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

2011-11-04T07:59:00.000-04:00

I write like
Mary Shelley

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

NaNoWriMo: Word Count at 11PM of Day 1

2011-11-01T23:00:00.002-04:00

3620

Last time I made a whole 600 words before my MacBook crashed.
This year I am sitting on that Inner Critic bitch and not letting her talk. She gets to talk again in December, or when I write all the summaries for work.... which I am planning on knocking drafts out on this weekend.....

Now I am off to read until I get to sleep.
Sleep has been eluding me the past couple of nights. However, tomorrow I have to travel several counties away for a training so definitely need my sleep....

Rereading will be strongly discouraged from now on....

2011-11-01T20:28:00.002-04:00

Day Two approaches in less than 4 hours and I have already stumbled upon a rule, I'd better observe: not rereading my words.

Overall I like some of my imagery. However, I am already wondering about where this thing is going.

However, I am choosing not to worry about that. It will go where it goes. It already has started taking on a life of its own, which is the only way I am going meet word count anyway, so I am going to enjoy it and move on.

This does not need to be an exercise in perfection - or even editing.

It is only an exercise in persistence.

NaNoWriMo

2011-11-01T01:32:00.001-04:00

Word Count from
12:01AM to 1:20AM 11/1/11:
1789

NaNoWriMo, or why I am either brave, stupid or both

2011-10-31T22:49:00.003-04:00

It's not as if I have the time. For anything.
I mean, at this moment if I am to get the wild hair and want to take a bath, it requires a multiplicity of steps of gathering the biggest pans, boiling water, and scraping the nasty crap out of the tub left from the great unwashed before me...
So saying I have gotten the wild hair to participate in NaNoWriMo, to pretend to indulge my fantasy of being some kind of writer, to do something creative, to try to break out of my mundane workaday world of typing my ass off on dry service summaries which no one but auditors ever read...
Well, if I attempt this, I am crazy.

Never tried to deny it.

So here I am, poised a mere 64 minutes before the official beginning of NaNoWriMo, and typing away on my faithful if fickle blog.
The ground for my musings - whether they be philosophical ramblings about my personal recovery from codependency/food addiction/laziness/bitchiness/self-centeredness/excessive use of profanity/bitterness or my opinions about the REAL writers's works I am having the privilege of reading....
Well, this ground might be kind of quiet for the next month or so.
I will try to check in periodically if for no other reason than post reviews or word counts.
And who knows? maybe the next time I start blogging here I might actually write something worth reading.

Stranger things have happened.

2011-10-31T00:27:00.001-04:00

All Wound Up: The Yarn Harlot Writes for a Spin by Stephanie Pearl-McPhee

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

It's been a while since I've read Stephanie Pearl-McPhee or her blog, so I had forgotten how jealous I am of her knitting skills. Having tucked my bitterness away, I proceeded on with her latest.

Having said that, I have to say I enjoyed this collection much more than her last effort because it was, gasp, a bit "darker" - and it's not as if she has gone serial yarn killer or anything - than her other works. In this volume her musings are more about the darker side of her personality: she is "All Wound Up," so to speak, and it is refreshing to know that sweet smiling woman is just as bitter as I am about several things. Beloved and faithful appliances choking out their last when the household budget can ill-afford it, idiots making inane remarks regarding her knitting in public, and heart-crushing sadness. She also touches on the less finer points of dealing with daughters, adolescent dating, and determining whether one's penchant for fiber qualifies as an addiction. The Yarn Harlot is nothing if not humorous, and this is humor to which I can relate.

I can forecast that some fans may complain that there are more topics than just the love of knitting. Yet this is just what I feel makes this collection stronger than earlier efforts. No matter what the topic, she knits it all together with love, laughter and yarn.

Well done.

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2011-10-24T06:13:00.000-04:00

Where Darkness Dwells by Glen Krisch

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I received the opportunity to read and review this novel through the Members Giveaway program; I am grateful to Mr Krisch for the gift.

Classifying this novel to myself, I would call it horror for the thinking person. More than simply a zombie novel, with imagery that is not for the faint of heart (yet is not gratuitous), I was swept in by the archetypal search for the mysterious fish and invested by caring about the fates of the characters. Part ghost story, part horror, part sociological fable, Krisch captures the reader and navigates a never-dull plot line that reveals so much while never fully playing its hand.
The only thing that kept me from a five-star rating were several typos that seemed pretty glaring - they stuck out even though I was totally immersed in the story. However, I would just chalk that up to editing issues, and it did not detract from the overall stark beauty of this novel.
I have enjoyed reading and reviewing this work, and look forward to reading anything and everything that Mr Krisch writes.

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Priorities or Always Being Behind....

2011-10-18T21:48:00.002-04:00

I know it's been forever since I have posted. Life has, once again, gotten in the way.

I have been working the longer than daylight to dark hours, and collapsing when I get home.... this past weekend I did some housecleaning, but otherwise just tried to catch my breath. I keep thinking that I will be caught up someday, but then it never happens....

Today I paused at my desk in the multitasking of completing 20-25 things that had to be done this morning and just thought, "What else?" Someone I work with came into my office and said, "You need a vacation. You need to actually get away."

True it has been almost 4 years since I have had a day off (not counting the two separate days I was in the hospital, the only two days I have not worked in 4 years).

I wouldn't know how to go about this vacation thing even if I tried. Even if I could take a day off.

So this afternoon, I had a temperature of 102, so I went home after only an 8 hour work day. I tried to rest, but spent another 2-3 hours on email and phone calls.

And tomorrow it starts all over again.

I really want to work on reading for myself - I am 44 books behind on my personal goal of reading 100 books in 2011.

And I want to participate in NaNoWriMo this year.... A couple of years ago I tried, but work - and my Mac motherboard crashing - thwarted my efforts. I am going to try this one more time..... It will take working only 50 hours a week or less, and other people having to do some work at home.

But I am taking the month of November for myself.

One way or another.

Another review of a good book

2011-10-09T10:01:00.000-04:00

Two Graves by D.A. Graystone

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

CAUTION: This review contains spoilers.

If you are looking for a more complex mystery/crime drama, this is your book.

From the very beginning, readers are swept into the action and yet not spared good writing: intense imagery, developed characters, and a gritty, reality-driven plot line.

Graystone's characterizations ring truer than the old detective noir novels I grew up loving, and his imagery was every bit as rich. I love a good mystery and this was it. I especially liked Mann and Dani. I am heartened to learn that Graystone is working on a sequel to this, called Too Many Graves, due out in 2012. I will definitely be reading that.

Having said that, I was slightly disappointed with the overall development of some of the antagonists in the novel. The primary "villian," Preston Peterson, starts out as a complex character but in the end becomes more of a device of his role, and his motivations never become more complex. He is developed as a realized character. Yet I would expect a realized character to take more care than to just kill lookalikes. The idea he was somehow cleansing the world was a bit overwrought in my mind with the original development of the character. The other antagonists, Flem and Angelino, were not as developed and yet the last 20% of the novel was spent resolving their connection and existence. Flem appears two or three times and only once is Angelino actually introduced as anything more than a reference.

Yet overall, I enjoyed this book. The plot was not guessable, the twists not predicted, and this is a necessity for a good mystery, in my opinion. Rather than have simplistic heroes and foils, Graystone spent time developing his characters and depicting their histories and personalities. Many lesser mysteries do not do the reader this justice.

Well done, Mr Graystone.

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This morning's reading....

2011-10-02T10:49:00.001-04:00

Blood Rites by Jim Butcher

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I am enamored with Harry Dresden and this series.

Having disclosed this, I must also admit that this one lagged a bit for me. It seemed that playing the White Court as ensconced in the porn industry was kind of a trite, too easy - and tempting to be sensationalized into fueling baser imagery for our clever, ephemeral wizard. Once I got past that, the book picked up somewhat around the 300-page mark, and I was swept back in again.

I am satisfied with my reading experience, but not as much as with previous books in the series. Maybe this is to be expected by book six. But I am still signed on for the long haul.

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2011-08-21T21:34:00.001-04:00

Dirty Little Angels by Chris Tusa

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Other reviews have called this a brutal, gritty coming-of-age novel, and it is that.

However I feel such a description might place this story in the wrong category. It is a coming-of-age story in the same way Bastard out of Carolina was; basically a story of someone growing up and into the cruelest knowledge that those around her are damaged and not nearly good enough to be ushering a young soul into adulthood.

Hailey Trosclair is a sixteen year old girl in New Orleans whose father is an unmotivated and unemployed alcoholic and whose mother is a depressive living in the past and clinging to resentments. These people live in only the dreariest sepia tones, and from them springs young Hailey, our first person protagonist who is suffocating for the lack of color. Brother Cyrus is a protective if misguided delinquent, and all adults - save the compassionate neighbor, Verma - fail both Hailey and Cyrus utterly. Her peers don't do much better, as friend Meridian and the inconstant Chase (aptly named) also betray her.

Hailey's coming-of-age is then coming into the knowledge that no one can really be counted upon, and leaving childhood is ugly, demonic work. Even the dirty angels of our world are less dangerous than the wolves in adult clothing.

Reading Dirty Little Angels was an almost effortless experience. Characterizations were rich enough to add rather than detract from the story. Hailey's narrative voice was engaging, even when she was at a loss due to her own splintering despair. The plot rang true, even throughout the more gruesome or depraved acts of some of the characters.

However, this review would not be complete if I did not mention Tusa's gift of imagery. So few novels really pull it off these days, so I was extremely grateful to be carried into this novel by the rich visualizations Tusa's words created.

I was sent this ebook for a review, and I thank for the author for the experience. I certainly hope Chris Tusa continues to write.

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Here's an inspiring idea....

2011-08-18T20:13:00.002-04:00

In the middle of the partisan bickering, bad news about jobs and the economy and basically negativity everywhere, here is an awesome, inspiring way to pass on a legacy of kindness and hope.

Enjoy.

Think about what you can do.

I know I did.

2011-08-09T18:15:00.000-04:00

The Fifth Element of Love by Roxana Jones

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This book, and its companion volume, The Fifth Element of Love (While I Was Learning to Become God) are best read by spiritual seekers with an open mind. Fans of Doreen Virtue, Deborah King, and other metaphysical authors will love this retelling of the life of Sybil Vaughan, a woman who fought against the odds in many ways, with the help of her angels, to make a difference and honor her destiny.

The author's bio states that she became a full-time author in 2009, as a result of her new heart and mind. At times I wondered where the thread of Roxana's life was weaving into Sybil's.

I enjoyed this book because it took me out of my comfort zone, and led me to question some of my own spiritual threads. An expanded review will be available on my blog later.

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Weekends

2011-08-07T09:20:00.002-04:00

I love weekends for the most part. It's time that I don't have to be at the office by 7:30AM and I get to work from the laptop in my room. This weekend I have worked quite a bit on work stuff, very little except preparing meals on house stuff and taken a nap.

Last weekend I did some research on how to request advanced reader copies of books so I could read new stuff and write reviews. I requested several books and actually got one shipped to me late this week, so I wanted to spend the weekend reading that so I could go ahead and write my review. No such luck. Every time I get settled in to read, I fall asleep. So yesterday I took a nap - in honor of the Day of Debauchery and Gluttony, and basically ignored the housework. Good stuff.

Weekends are also symbolic for me. They are two days into which I feel compelled to cram seven days of living. There is pressure - internalized, of course - to make those two days "count," when the rest of the week I am at the beck/call/whim of other people's desires and incompetence. They are two days where I try not to simmer and smolder with anger over other people's whims, desires and incompetence. They are two days where I try not to bemoan and catastrophize that I am on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The symbolism comes in when I think - "these are the two days I get to try to live like a normal person who works only 40-60 hours a week." Stupid, I know.

Now, however, the "holiday" is passed. I want to get some reading done, so I will most likely retire to the easy chair across my bedroom and start making notes as I read. Once again, I am compelled to do as much as possible because in less than 20 hours I will be back on for another 5 days. Or, if today is like yesterday, it may be far less before the dreaded work cell phone rings.

Carpe diem.

Just when you thought it was safe to crack open the Kindle (TM)

2011-07-16T21:43:00.006-04:00

I have spent the last day or so downloading some good reading on the Kindle.

I have a love-hate relationship with the damned thing. On the one hand, I love the fact that at least 40% of the books I have on it are in public domain, so they were classics, and free. WIth the old BA in English Literature, people often forget that I am literate... or at least have pretty diverse reading tastes. And when you are supporting two children, a husband and a dog single-handedly, you don't have alot - or sometimes ANY - disposable income. So the public domain works on Kindle amuse me greatly.

I also love the Kindle for when I really want a new expensive book and I can get it on the Kindle for half that amount (not always, but often enough that I am still enthused). For example, in the past month, amazon and their Kindle allowed me to get the latest Jennifer Egan novel and Tina Fey's memoir (still reading Egan, downloaded Goon Squad this evening, Bossypantsis a solid C+).

Yet I am still old school. I love the feel of a book in my hand, the ability to -GASP - write or underline my favorite parts at will (and yes, I am aware of and do use the highlighting function of Kindle. I just don't give a shit what other people found fascinating - embracing my inner autism spectrum). I like the heft and smell of a book in my hand. Well, not that dusty, moldy, silverfished disintegrating one...aaaaa-chooo! I even like the look of all those damn books on my shelves. Yes, the very shelves that make me look like a hoarder.

Scary, huh? Keep in mind that this only ONE side of the "library" (i.e., small bedroom that I have dedicated to my books). I love my books, but they are numerous.

Which brings me to my final hate for the Kindle.
I read.
Alot.
Hours a day, when I can. While others watch television, eat and interact in society, I read.
While others form relationships, I read. (No thanks, yuck.)
While others do things like have a life, and vacations (a word I hear used and see in print but never actually experience, unless I am unemployed), I read.
Hell, I don't even knit anymore. Reading is a jealous mistress.

Apparently the Kindle battery cannot keep up with me. It actually has to be charged! Well, not that often. But inevitably, when I am in the middle of reading something on the damned thing that I don't want to put down.

Yes, I am aware I can read on my MacBook and my iPhone - and I do. In fact, I tally this capability under "The Reasons I Love My Kindle." But the iPhone is smaller than a book. And the MacBook (despite its jaunty name) is larger than a book (well, a book I want to schlep around with me to the john and kitchen and car). And the Kindle, while not a book, and a bit heavier than the average trade paperback, simulates a book. Somewhat. Especially when tarted up in a purple skin and ensconced in a purple case, such as this.

I could continue reading on my the Kindle's soft gray screen - which sometimes comforts me and sometimes maddens me - or I could continue blithely on using the MacBook or iPhone. I could even tether myself to the wall while the damned thing is charging and keep on truckin'.

Or I could get really scandalous and resort to my back-up plan. It's wild and dangerous, but so worth it.

I could read this:

I like to live dangerously. And it is one of the last 2 works of Neil Gaiman I have not read.
Yes, a walk on the wild side.

Namaste.... I see you in me.

2011-07-14T20:36:00.002-04:00

Tonight I went to a Step meeting on Step 7.

Tonight I bitched, and then I shut up and listened. I was given the gift of perspective by someone who has been in this program for a hell of alot longer than I have, and it was just that. A gift.

Tonight I felt that when that same person asked for something that she needed, I needed to give that gift back.

This is how the world works. Not how it should work, but how it truly does.

To see it any other way means we are just kidding ourselves.

Let's try to give a gift back today.

Love and gratitude

2011-07-07T22:35:00.003-04:00

I am the mother of teenager.

That is probably not the sentence one would expect as an opening for a blog post titled "Love and gratitude, " especially from me, who despises teenagers and all of their ilk.

But I do love my daughter. I love both my daughters. Both of them are basically awesome and interesting. I suspect I might like them even if I did not give birth to them.

It's been a rough few weeks. And I have basically been crawling home each night and feeling like crawling under a big rock when I see that the kitchen is filthy, and everyone is looking at me to come up with some great meal to wow them and fill their stomachs. It's been rough. And it has exhausted me.

Tonight I came home and the kitchen was clean. The dishes were done. And dinner was on the stove.

After I checked to make sure that I was in the right house, I went in and thanked my daughter.

Chloe made a delicious meal of grilled Creole chicken, macaroni and cheese, and green beans. And the kitchen was clean.

After dinner, I washed the dinner dishes. And I came into my bedroom and sat down. And breathed.

I am thankful I have a daughter who can make me understand love. I am not a perfect mother. I am not even off work and home enough to be a decent mother.

But I do love my daughters.

And I am thankful for them both. And the kitchen is clean.

2011-07-07T22:31:00.002-04:00

Independence and interdependence

2011-07-04T20:55:00.002-04:00

This is going to be a purposefully vague post, as I am not sure how comfortable I am writing about certain recent events. Quite frankly, I am a bit tired of thinking about and talking about and dwelling on recent events, and really would just like to rewrite the history of the past week. Since this is impossible, I blather on....

Today is the 4th of July, a civic holiday here in the U.S. which commemorates the signing of the Declaration of Independence in 1776. It's a heavy holiday, very symbolic. However, I just read a report that states a large percentage of Americans don't really know what it is even about. They know the bunting and the fireworks, and the day off work. But not much beyond that. Kinda sad, as I used to say.

I do not consider myself much of a patriot. The last presidential administration made this tantamount to godlessness, and yet I don't embrace that ideology. I do not consider myself a patriot, partially because I don't want to be that Ugly American that was so successfully celebrated by that administration. I also don't want to consider myself the center of the universe in some short-sighted, idiotic way. However, I did take offense when that administration played fast and loose with civil rights, and when the yes-men of that ideology now look desperately to blame someone else for the consequences. I don't pretend to know the answers, only the facts of history. And to have lived some of them a little too close to the bone.

Which brings me back to the present moment. The facts are as follows:

1. I survived, as I always have, at least up to this point.
and
2. The freedom I want to embrace today is the freedom to be myself and the freedom not to be a victim.

I have worked long and hard to not be a victim of the violence of others, or the stupidity of others. It has been a hard fight at times. And sometimes I get tired of fighting. I get tired of struggling through even when I feel I should be somewhere else, healing my wounds.

Especially when the wounds are real, can be seen and I have to make sarcastic remarks, to laugh instead of to cry.

So Happy 4th from that bitter, godless snarky old bitch. Make your fireworks be bright.

I'll be going to bed early.

Ch-ch-changes... (my apologies to David Bowie)

2011-06-28T23:38:00.002-04:00

One thing that can be expected is change. Daily, sometimes even hourly change.

Today I moved into my new office, and by all rights should love it. However, I was kind of content in my smaller office with the view of the capital bridge. Now I look out on the KY History Center, and can see some pretty tall hills beyond. Lots more room, lots more like. Kind of the corner office with a view, if I lived in the corporate world.

There is a part of me though that asks the jaded questions.
First, someone else had to be moved out for me to have this space.
Second, I had finally adjusted all the vents in the old office to just the right angles to provide me with my subzero air conditioning I love so much.
And I was in a rut.
I like ruts.
Not unlike a hog, but that is the topic of another post.

I have hired a RN as an assistant now. She is already stepping up and taking on some work so I can see light at the end of the tunnel. I am giving her the old office - but I will adjust the vents as she is normal and does not like to be kept at cool 62 degrees at all times like I do. This is going to give me some time back. I might even get a day off occasionally. I might get to see what things called "weekends" are that other people talk about.

However, this may also give me time to look at the other things in my life that are not working.

The upside to being a workaholic is that I don't have to look at the rest of the mess called my life.

Today someone made the comment to me that "it is lonely at the top." I never see myself as at the top. Sure, I am the boss at the place where I work, only answering to the owners (who are a couple of counties away, trust my judgement and back me on almost everything). But because I have been so immersed in this work thing, feeling compelled because I have a family to support and my income has been the one to pay the bills for so long, it feels like the bottom. Of a shoe, or a doormat.

It's all about perspective, I suppose.

This, too, shall change.

Expectations

2011-06-22T03:41:00.002-04:00

In All-Anon it is said that expectations are premeditated resentments. I am learning this over and over again, and it is a bitter lesson.

Yesterday was my 7th wedding anniversary. I had kept my expectations low. All I really planned was us going to lunch together about a block away from the house. I left open the possibility of going to an early (matinee) movie, because I am low on money. I know that if we were to actually do anything for our anniversary, I would have to be the one to pay for it, because July 3 marks an entire year since he has had any kind of job.

So I moved heaven and earth and had to come up with plans and contingency plans and arrangements out the whazoo to be able to take the afternoon off of work.

I came home to pick him up to go to lunch, and he says he is not hungry, not interested in going to lunch, and not going anywhere. Of course, the 6 year old hears me mention lunch and so she wakes up - yes, he had her sleeping until noon - and I end up taking my 6 year old to our anniversary plans instead of my husband. At lunch I am so resentful and angry, because in my mind he is getting another day of puttering around the house, and now he doesn't even have to be bothered with his own kid.

Then I realize, that was my expectation. And my marriage does not work for me because of my expectations.

I expect my husband to honor basic plans with me like I see other couples do.

I expect my husband to work a job, like I see other husbands do.

I expect to see him apply for a job or look for work in some tangible way. I do not accept that he is "looking for work online," when he won't answer any calls on his phone. I expect someone who is looking for work would use their phone number and accept calls as a call might be a potential employer or job interview.

I expect my husband to fulfill some sort of fatherly role in supporting his child.

I expect him to try to financially support himself in some way.

I expect to have some sort of relationship.

So after lunch, instead of going home and sitting in my room, I got in my car and drove. I took Tara, the 6 year old, with me, as I didn't want to be alone and she is really the only one in the household who wants to be with me even when I don't have much money. We drove and checked out a bookstore cafe about 40 miles from my house a couple of counties away. We walked through the historic downtown there and I watched her enjoy herself. About halfway through the day the husband sends me a text message that says "Don't go back to work." I stayed out with my daughter and had a decent time. I talked to complete strangers at the cafe, and everyone was very nice.

When I got home I went to bed. About 3 hours later the husband stated he would go to supper with me. At this point I was thinking that I could afford lunch, not supper, and that is why I suggested it instead. But we went to a Mexican meal. At the meal he told me he did not know why I was so stressed out about work. I stated that I take my job seriously. He stated he did not know, if I am working a program, "why [I] let people live rent free in [my] head."

I wanted to say :"The same reason why I have let you live rent free in my home for the last year, and for most of the last 7 years, even when you had a job and should have paid some rent."

I said instead - and he interrupted me before I could get it out the first time, but I interrupted him and firmly made my point: "I am not going to listen to any criticism of what I am doing or what program I am working, because I am at least making an effort and doing something, from someone who is not."

We had planned on going to a movie as well. It stared raining pretty heavily during supper and I realized I had no desire to force any more type of facade from this day. I had been disappointed by this situation for far too long already. The day was a wash. And I could not afford, after paying for a lunch that he would not attend, and then supper, to pay for a movie with all the drinks and popcorn then. So we went back home, and I went back to bed.

So I have realized two things from this day:

1. Anything I expect from another human being on this planet most likely will not happen. I cannot ask or trust anyone to do anything I want or need them to do.

2. Others expect far too much of me. If I were to not fulfill their expectations even a small percentage of the time - much as they continue to not fulfill mine - they could probably learn to do for themselves, just as I have. The people at work could probably do their jobs or get fired. The adults in my household would have to work and support themselves or they would be homeless. The children would be less spoiled.

As far as the future? I expect God is working it out, loud and clear.

A weekend almost free

2011-06-19T23:51:00.003-04:00

This weekend I actually got a Saturday off! After I recovered from the shock, Tara and I went to Lexington, got haircuts, Orange Leaf yogurt and then went to Joseph-Beth Booksellers and Whole Foods. We then came home and then I went out on the town with St Timothy of the Internest. St Timothy and I walked around downtown, and I was reminded of why I like living in this town. I appeared that I had missed the concert at Kentucky Coffeetree Cafe by a night, but there was a really awesome outdoor show happening down the street at the Cornerstone Art and Event Center. It was the Blues on Broadway show of The Paul Childers Band. I, of course, had the trusty iPhone in tow, and took two short videos more to capture the sound rather than the visual....

After a bit of eavesdropping we walked to the The Dragon Pub, where a DJ was spinning Top 40 songs that reminded me of going dancing in gay bars in the 90s. So we took off, went and got the kids a pizza and went home and crashed.

Since I got over 5 hours of sleep, I woke up this morning with a migraine from hell. I napped off and on this morning, trying to "sleep off" the headache, but gave up around noon, when the goofy work phone calls started. I took work calls and did computer stuff to help the calling clueless until about 9PM, when I decided that, in lieu of migraine medicine I would down some Midol and attempt to clean my bedroom. I got about 75% of it picked up and I feel much better with the room cleared a bit. I appears that I was listening to Hay House Radio and one of the solutions that was discussed for someone else - but sounded like good sense - was to clear out our physical spaces to get our minds together.

So the headache still clings but just barely. And I am still in shock because I got 24 hours of a break!!!!! I could so go for this.

I have been congratulating myself repeatedly in petitioning and getting to hire some help at work. I am looking forward to hopefully some more realistic work weeks - less than 100 hours per week anyway - and some balance back in my world....

The whole universe is as it should be.

Finally decided that my life was too short to try to force myself to read really bad novels. I have finally given up on Angelology by Danielle Trussoni. It still lies splayed face down on the bed next to me. Yet I cannot make myself read any further; it's that bad.

So what am I reading instead? Well, The Celestine Prophecy, Doreen Virtue's The Angel Therapy Handbook, and I am saving the latest Charlene Harris for a guilty pleasure treat. I have been having far too few of those, and definitely need to look for no calorie treats at this point....

Time, distilled.

2011-06-10T18:10:00.003-04:00

I am spending the weekend sitting with a sick friend in the hospital, so it appears that time is going to slow down for me. I hope to get some writing done - most of it will unfortunately be work-related - and some reading done as well. I brought that damn Angelology novel, hoping being in an enclosed place and not able to leave, that I will be able to finish it. If this doesn't do it, it is definitely getting pitched. I'll at least get to do a blog or two, catch up on reading all the blogs that I love but have not had a chance to read in months, and maybe even get some catnaps in. I don't sleep well in anything but darkness so this may not be the best sleep. But I am so exhausted it will be what it will be.

At any rate, it has been an eventful week. Lots of work. Lots of just dropping into bed exhausted. Lots of being so tired that I have not bothered to always be kind. This disappoints me, as I was re-energized and re-purposed after attending the Step Workshop last weekend. I had asked that my character defects be taken from me, but alas, I took them right back. I suck like that.

One of my character defects is anger. Nasty, bitchy, raw and bitter anger. The white lightning, white hot, red hot, flaming kind of fury that will visit wrath in its path. I have the typical Irish temper, with some hot sauce thrown in. It costs me more than it costs anyone else. It makes me feel all indignant and righteous for a split second, and then I feel like shit. I feel like tucking my tail between my legs and not facing anyone because of my bad behavior. Because that's what it is. Bad behavior. A perfect example, today. I had a staff meeting and I looked out into their bland, blank faces, and I acted like an ass. I yelled at them. I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. But it was damn mean. And for that I apologize. To you, dear reader. But not to them. My amends will come, and they will come soon.

Another character defect I have is self-centeredness. I can't shut up about myself. This is most disturbing whenever someone tries to have a conversation with me and I hear myself use the word "I." The blog is where I will have to dump my navel-gazing musings. Sorry, dear reader. But the rest of the world thanks you. It's almost as if in the process of acquiring the practically useless Masters degree in counseling and hearing about relating to others, my verbal diarrhea-ic mouth took over. Boring stories suck. And unfortunately, I am full of them.

Yet another character defect I have is indecisiveness. I see this everywhere in my life: my inability to decide what I want to be when I grow up, my inability to make a decision about my marriage, my family, raising my children, or what have you... basically all of it. However, this character defect is being helped by my choosing to let go and let g*d/Higher Power take some of the freneticism away. Praying for guidance, that whole bit. Still it would be nice to have a sense of certainty about something.

I am sure of one thing. I am sure I love my daughters. They are very unique, beautiful people, and I wish I could see them every day, and spend time with them. Working as many hours as I do, and working every day as I do, I don't get to spend time with them like other parents. I hear other mothers talk about spending time with their children, days even, and I am at a loss. I see my children for minutes, maybe an hour a day, and in the next few days it appears that I will not be seeing them at all. Tim has said he will bring Tara by for a few minutes for the next few days, and I am grateful for that.

Last character defect - well, the last one I am going to talk about it this post - is my forgetfulness about gratitude. So I close with a list:

I am grateful for:
1. My daughters
2. I have a place to live
3. I have a job
4. Some people have helped me alot this week
5. My Al-Anon program
6. My Al-Anon friends
7. My cell phone that I can use to ask for help when I need it
8. My health
9. My dog
10. The people who have helped me this week

Time in a bottle

2011-06-10T09:32:00.002-04:00

If I could save time in a bottle, I would put it on a high shelf and keep it away from my staff and everyone else on the planet with the exception of my children and my friends.

The unfortunate problem is that I don't even have time to write a blog entry, as I have 5 people in my office talking to me all at once.... maybe I will get a chance to try again this weekend.

June, Writing, the Will of a Higher Power

2011-06-05T11:15:00.002-04:00

Welcome to the lovely, hot month of June. Already this summer is proving to be a hot one as we look at our first full week of 90+ degree days here in the capital city. And last night I came home in the 92 degree heat to a house that was 88 degrees. Yep, the air conditioning has died for the second time this summer. Good times.

Prior to the air conditioning fiasco, I had spent the better part of the day at an Al-Anon 12 Step Workshop. It is one of those rubber meets the road opportunities for those of us who know that the spiritual solution to living with those who have addictions lies in the Steps themselves. The same Steps that addicts and alcoholics have to work if they are to be able to survive with their disease.

I have worked the Steps before. I worked them with the help of two sponsors and a group of Al-Anons - some of them black-belt Al-Anons. But this time it was different. For one, I was there with a group of about 20 who were working the Steps themselves. And we were being led to take the Steps by a person with 30 days in his program. And just from talking to him, I think his program was not the kind, gentle kind, but the kind that truly knows that the Steps are the Steps to survival - failure to work and take the Steps is just a choice to die with the disease.

See, in Al-Anon, we are not addicted to alcohol. We are just enmeshed, intertwined, and mired down into the life of an alcoholic to the point that it hijacks our own lives and experiences and takes us to an ugly, desperate, evil, frantic, obsessing, miserable, dank, dark, deadly place. And drops us off. Without cab fare.

We fool ourselves and say that we are the ones who have to hold the family, the household, the household budget, and the alcoholic/addict together. When in reality, all it does is tear us down and apart.

Deconstruction at its most efficient.

And so, with the same Steps that the alcoholic/addict has available to him/her to see a glimmer of light, we can claw ourselves out.

It is clawing, because it is a fight for survival, the same as it is for the alcoholic.

I am drifting off into a place I want to do a separate blog post about....

Yesterday, one of the exercises was to do a free writing exercise after a meditation/prayer opening of asking for your God's/Higher Power's will. We wrote whatever came into our minds for five minutes. At the end of the exercise I could no longer read my own handwriting - carpal tunnel be damned. Then we read out loud the phrases that we had written. This part was so we could know if someone else had a thought that could be meant for, or used by us.

Knowing me, you know that I loved this exercise. I have been doing freewriting since I started educating myself in the craft of writing at the age 17 by reading Natalie Goldberg's Writing Down the Bones.And of course, being a fan/student of Doreen Virtue, I *knew* that someone else had gotten a thought I could use.

My own knockout: "Live not in fear."

The line I got from someone else: "Writing is what makes me sane."

So without further ado, I knew immediately at least some of my Higher Power's will.

I have made it thus far. WIth my current health and lifestyle, I've probably made it at least 60-75% of my current travail here on this planet. And so there's really nothing I have to fear or dread. Or as one of my friends says, "What are they going to do? Eat me?"

And there is a message out there waiting for me. For all I know, there is a message hiding in that miasma of a synapse between my brain and finger for someone else.

Writing keeps me sane.

So that's what I'm going to do.

May flowers...

2011-05-21T23:16:00.002-04:00

This blog has suffered from me being so overwhelmed with work and all the other things that have been going on in my life. By the time I get home each night from work it is usually 8PM at the earliest, and 10PM at the latest, and I am too tired to do anything but get something to eat and go to bed. My days start around 6 or 7AM, so it makes for long days. On the weekends, work stuff still keeps happening, and then I have to do cooking, cleaning and try to spend a few minutes interacting with my kids. I spend Saturdays running around like crazy and then spend Sundays stressed out that I have lost the ability to take any time off. I spend Sundays in an angry funk. Needless to say, this type of life does not lend itself to many opportunities to engage in creative, life-affirming, pursuits.

On the bright side, I have a job. I am trying to still get to a couple of Al-Anon meetings a week.

This has helped me keep some semblance of sanity as my resentments are still breeding other resentment... I am still overwhelmed as I try single-handedly to support my family and handle the household and all the minutiae of keeping a household running.

At any rate....

I continue to want to be someone else when I grow up. I continue to try to stake my claim to tiny bits of time to explore just who this person is.

Lately I have been shopping for a bicycle. I really want to ride a bike as I live a 1/2 mile from my office and this would be a way for me to get my head together and some exercise as well. There is a bike shop here in town where I could build my own bike with a small donation of cash and time. I would love to do this. I would enjoy it, and I could learn how to fix my bike if there was every any mechanical problem with it. Once again, I am resenting that I cannot figure out a way to take the time to do this. It is a really neat place called Folkbike Re-cyclery. Check it out online, and if you feel strongly about community building and teaching someone to fish (metaphorically, of course!) rather than giving them a fish, then send some cash their way. They are non-profit and the money will go to a great cause.

I love where I live. There is a community here - even outside of Al-Anon meetings - that shares the same values and concerns I do. For example, one group Walk/Bike Frankfort sees that this town has the same potential that I see. And of course, there is the history and the old buildings and all the other things that make me happy.... If only I could spend more time working towards these causes....

Oh well, it's late and I am making the promise to work on the blog more, do more writing, and get more done... more enjoyable things done. However, tonight, I think I am ready to fall asleep with a book. I am still slogging through the Angelology novel. Underwhelmed so far with it, but trying to slog through.

2011-03-30T14:02:00.000-04:00

Don't Sing at the Table: Life Lessons from My Grandmothers by Adriana Trigiani

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I read this as an ebook on my Kindle.

Reading this book was more an exercise in revisiting and appreciating what my grandmothers brought into my life and awareness. It was less about what new or interesting value I got from Trigiani's grandmothers. After all, we learned similar lessons and values, and it was nice to see someone else appreciating them as well.
Trigiani is an entertaining writer. Her Big Stone Gap novels were a guilty pleasure for me in my thirties, and I still feel she has a great style and writes with heart.

View all my reviews

340th Post.

2011-03-10T23:22:00.002-05:00

Well, today St Timothy turned 48.
Funds are fairly limited but I wanted to do something nice for him. He was sick most of the day, but tonight he agreed to go to a crappy supper at a chain restaurant. I got him a piece of cheesecake after dinner and he seemed happy with it. Tara went with us to dinner, and she sang Happy Birthday to him.
I just had higher expectations for him, or at least wanted more for him that what we had to offer today.
Expectations being just premeditated resentments, I realize that I am setting myself up to have them on someone else's behalf! How messed up is that?
Well, maybe I don't want an answer to that.

At any rate, happy birthday, Tim. I hope this year is whatever you need it to be to be happy, healthy and wealthy and wise. Peace out, my man.

When do I get a minute?

2011-02-19T20:29:00.002-05:00

Well, tomorrow I am planning my first day off since Thanksgiving. Well, actually I cleaned and cooked all Thanksgiving day, so maybe "day off" is not the right terminology. I am exhausted beyond belief, too tired to face much of anything.
And of course, a low-grade fever, fibro flare, and coughing and congestion really make me want to crawl under the nearest rock and not emerge for a few weeks or months.

This has been a hard week. My younger daughter has been really ill with yet another set of ear infections and I have been powerless to help her in any way. I went ahead and took her to the ER, and so without health insurance we now owe the local hospital over $5000 for that visit. And then we were given an antibiotic that cost almost $200 so we could not buy it for her. So after the $5000 is paid, she still won't have an antibiotic or treatment. And people say we don't need to change the health care system in this country. Of course, those are always people who have health care.

Then my older daughter drops the bomb that her grades are cruising into the toilet. She is highly intelligent, a great writer, and very wily, so I am kind of shocked. However, she has been spending way too much time worrying about spending every spare moment with her friends, and has been posting from her cell phone to facebook when she is at school. She blames her worst grade on "not having time" to put her assignment together. So that tells me that time management is chiefly the issue. As a parent, I get to be the bad guy again and adjust accordingly.

Otherwise, nothing changes at Chez Terre. (house of dirt, how ironic.)

Checking in....

2011-02-15T21:04:00.002-05:00

Being busy is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, I am blessed to have something to do, and to get paid to do it. Especially in these tough times when lots of people don't have jobs. It also keeps me from obsessing, over-analyzing and basically hanging out too long in that scary neighborhood that is my head.
On the other hand, being busy seems to bring out my innate, inane and useless character defects of PERFECTIONISM and IMPATIENCE.

I am a perfectionist. The reasons for this are many, and start way back in my childhood. However, looking back and getting stuck in overanalyzing it doesn't really do anything good for me. So I will not go there.
However, my perfectionism makes me even more impatient that usual.
I am least patient with myself.
And then I take it out on everyone else - and myself.

I have noticed this week I am very much into my disease of compulsive eating. At the end of last week I decided to "go on a diet." Every attempt to stick to that plan of eating has just triggered more and more (unhealthy) eating. This, in turn, has triggered me to be more critical and impatient with myself. And then I take it out on others - and myself.

So I am going to do more reading, talk to my sponsor, and otherwise try to get my side of the street clean.

I don't know the next right thing beyond that.

Here comes February.

2011-02-05T07:52:00.002-05:00

The weekend delivers me, gives me a respite from running ragged. Right?

Well, not if you are me. On the weekend, I do the housecleaning, catch up on paperwork, try to figure out how to cram some kind of personal life into about 4 or 5 hours for the week, and mull over and try to prepare for the week ahead.

I would hazard to guess that many people I know do exactly this as well.

But does it really get me anywhere, except the corner of Bitter Blvd. and Exhausted Ave?

Regardless, I am still glad for the weekends. I get a few less calls, usually, and I can relax somewhat. I can determine when I do things, but I still am unclear on delegation at times. When I hand things over for someone else to do, I really don't hand it over. I still micromanage, and then end up doing the task or redoing the task myself because the job someone else did does not meet my standards.

Already, before 8AM, on my day off, I have taken out the trash, collected dishes to wash - as the dishes have not been done for a few days, and determined that I've got to clean the kitchen, do all the floors, and do at least ten loads of laundry, clean both bathrooms, and assemble a shelf that I bought last weekend that we desperately need in the bathroom for storage, but that is still in the box propped up on the dining wall. I also have to carry the stuff up the stairs to the kids room that has been collecting at the bottom of the stairs for the last three weeks. And clean Tara's room so if I can find a bed for her she can start using her room. Could someone else do these things?

Of course.
Will someone else do these things?
Not without my asking repeatedly to the point of nagging.
And nagging leaves me bitter and angry at everyone I live with.
And sometimes nagging and begging someone else to do the basic maintenance tasks of life is as hard as just doing it myself.

So, I have worked the program on this.
I'm lowering my expectations.
I'm doing alot of the stuff myself.
I'm not arguing all the time. Many times I am closing my mouth, when all I want to do is scream, "You want me to handle that too?"
And I am not jumping to provide all the creature comforts that are demanded by those who have grown to expect and have used me to enable their issues for so long. I am still expected to buy cigarettes and devote at least $25 to habit I don't have. I still am the emergency person when someone else fails to do something, I have to swoop in and save the day, no matter how many other things are on my plate to accomplish that day. But these things are going to have to cease if I want to keep my sanity.

Basically what I'm saying is that I am going to have to shore up my boundaries. Include time in my schedule to handle my responsibilities if they are truly mine. And if it is work-related, I need to delegate more. If it is not work-related, I can relax my expectations somewhat. And still delegate.

And most importantly, stop taking care of others so much that they lose all impetus to take care of themselves. Stop providing everything so they are provided the necessity and opportunity to step up and take an active role in their own lives by providing for themselves somewhat.

By doing this, I am allowing others the same opportunities I have been given to develop and prove themselves responsible, autonomous individuals. I also show them I trust them enough to handle this stuff, and believe in their ability to do it. I empower them to do it.

And maybe, just maybe, I get a moment of peace myself.

"My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents, and I lay them both at His feet." - Mahatma Gandhi

I'm baccccckkkkkk.....

2011-01-31T22:10:00.003-05:00

Hello, Dear Reader.

For the past few days I have been rather dismayed because my blog disappeared from Blogger. I was having a minor meltdown - well internally - I was holding it together on the outside. A friend called after I had posted on Facebook about it, and I didn't even have the strength to talk to her about it. I love talking to her, and in every conversation she says something witty or wise that helps me philosophically digest this thing called life, but I couldn't even talk to her. That's how flatlined I was.

Fast forward a couple of days, and I am getting the wind back in my sails.

Slowly but surely.

However, I am actively looking for another host for my blog. After the "missing" fiasco, I am looking at putting my ramblings in a different format, in a different place. I'll still blog, just maybe not here.

Once I have found and set up a new home for the blog, I will post something here to direct you. A link, gasp.

So on with the post:

Today I got up and went to the old office to have a meeting with an Area Administrator. I really enjoy working with her, and I won't have the chance to work with her for much longer, so I am enjoying her company and picking her brain for wisdom.
Then I went to help a client move some of her things. This took so long I was late in picking up my kids from school - about 30 minutes late! - and then I took them home and dropped them off with St Timothy of the Parental Unit. I then got back in the car, went to the office and sent a fax, and met a staff and drove her to Lexington to meet with a new referred client. And then we drove back to Frankfort, I dropped off the staff person at her car and then went to an Al-Anon meeting. I suggested we have the meeting on gratitude - more on that in a minute. After the meeting I met with a lady I really respect and admire and asked her to sponsor me. I have a sponsor who has been really good for me, and I think this lady will also kick my ass through the goalposts of recovery as well.
I then came home, sent St Timothy, Patron Saint of the Food Run, to get some dinner, and then proceeded to complete some more work calls. Now I'm in bed, having been cuddled and debriefed from the day by Tara. Looking forward to reading until I fall asleep, and sleeping until 7AM, when the alarm will wake me up for another day of fun.
Good night, Dear Reader.

2011-01-23T17:06:00.000-05:00

The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane by Katherine Howe

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

After reading what others have said about this book, I hazard to guess I liked it more than most. Yes, the protagonist was priggish and dense in some areas, and I was not surprised about that. Overall, though, I felt that this book represented some matrilineal pride and was about history - personal history and myths and intergenerational revisioning of history - not exact history or scholarship. It's a novel, after all. I felt the exploration of the subject matter compelling, no doubt because Katherine Howe claims genealogical ties to both Elizabeth Howe and Elizabeth Proctor.
For feminist history on this subject, check out Devil in the Shape of a Woman.
But for a good read, compelling and interesting, this book did well for me.

View all my reviews

Written last night around 2 or 3 am....

2011-01-09T17:40:00.001-05:00

Tonight was one of those nights where everyone lost their fucking minds. It began as any other Saturday night. I cooked dinner, Chloe had a friend over (at 15, she cannot bear to spend a single weekend without a peer in her face constantly), and Tara was playing loudly and creatively. Tim was on the couch.

As I called everyone to dinner, the lights in the dining room began to dim, and then went out. The house was dark. The street was dark. Hell, the town was dark. Some kind of craptastic thing had happened to an electric plant transformer somewhere.

Suddenly, no one had any sense. Chloe’s visitor starting telling me she was going to cry, that she is scared of the dark. Never mind that I, hippie that I am, possess enough waxy wicks to candlepower a moderately large satanic ritual. She was not in the dark. She was in candlelight. My kids, never ones to be outdone, started telling each other how haunted our old house is, and discussing the difference between spirits and residual hauntings. The friend called her mother; mother came and got her. Chloe flounced back upstairs to stew in her emotastic miasma of a room. Tara crashed on the couch under four or five blankets. Tim was on the couch.

I retreated to the bedroom, caught up on the meditation readings in the books I use, and snuggled deeper under the covers to get started on the new novel I’ve been dying to read, Cutting for Stone, by Abraham Verghese. I didn’t even make it through five pages when the work cell phone rang. It was a staff person at the old job calling to tell me the electricity – and hence the lights and heat – were out at the house she was working. No shit, Sherlock, I resisted the urge to say. However, after listening to her describe how she had called two other members of management who ignored her phone call and told her they were in the same boat respectively, I interrupted her to ask her what she wanted me to do. She had no answer, but continued to bemoan the lack of electricity. I again interrupted, what can I do? She then got haughty, “You don’t have to be an asshole to me.” So I put on my clothes, got in my car and drove through the blackout streets of the Capital City to inform her of the necessity of speaking with supervisors with some modicum of respect. Fake it, for fuck’s sake. As I entered the house where she works, I was struck first by the fact that it is at least 30 degrees warmer than my own house I had just left. Then I was struck by the fact that, although she claimed her cell phones were dead, that she was playing on them, texting and taking calls. Both my clients were in bed, snug as bugs in rugs. And she was sitting on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket with a candle burning. In other words, actually in better shape than I am at my own house. So I explain quite plainly that she is not to call her supervisors assholes at 11:15PM when she calls them at home to whine about unfixable situations, especially situations that aren’t that bad. And then I wait, as she only has 15 minutes left on her shift anyway. The next darling employee comes to work 15 minutes late. Gotta love punctuality, respect and problem-solving skills. While I am there, Tim calls me on the cell phone – no doubt from the couch – saying it is too cold and I need to come home so they can all get in my car and run the heat. So I turn back, get back on the roads, and drive through a darkened town. Four miles from home, my cell phone rings again. This time he tells me the electricity is back on, but the heat is not. Apparently our heat will not come on. I go home to fiddle with the thermostat while he tries to coax a pilot light on. Although we’re not exactly sure it was ever off. However, he has turned it off and on again so much at this point, it appears it will be 45 degrees Fahrenheit in my bed forever.

Maybe I need to go to the couch?

old year, new year, two year, blue year....

2010-12-31T15:14:00.004-05:00

if the title of this entry sounds like something seussian, well, that was its intent.

at this moment, my belongings are being packed on a truck to be shuttled to south frankfort, a gentle neighborhood where cool people and historic preservation meet. i am looking forward to spending the night in a new place, where, if i do hear thuds above my head they will be created from demons sprung from my own loins, not the rednecks upstairs. there will be a yard for the dogson to play, and the girls to romp. and in the spring, for grass to grow and perchance for herbs to sprout.

but i am not there. i am typing away in my new office, which is exactly the right temperature (today that temp is 71 F.). my stomach is full from a delicious lunch from the coffee shop a couple of blocks away. and i am thinking about taking a lovely walk home in the sunny (61F!) afternoon.

tomorrow i have a lovely day planned of unpacking. i will take a break to walk to my home group al-anon meeting - less than 2 blocks away! - and then perhaps have some friends from the group over for a visit, tea/coffee and help unpacking. life is getting simpler and yet more complex....

simpler, i have described above. my dream has always been to live in one of two places - in a remote mountain location, or in a town with cultural opportunities all within walking distance. i am realizing this, finally.

more complex because i have only now realized that i have to learn to enjoy simplicity and serenity. it's something i have claimed always to want, but yet i have never learned to really treasure, cultivate or respect and defend.

maybe i am growing up? perish the thought.

at any rate, here's wishing those readers who have stuck with me a beautiful, serene, healthy and kind 2011.

namaste.

Solstice musings

2010-12-21T16:11:00.002-05:00

today is the shortest, darkest day of the year. no wonder then, i am feeling down, feeling the mourning of things lost.

however, things are looking up at chez terre. we are moving in the next week or two, to an actual house in a downtown neighborhood that i really like. i will be within a half mile of both work and my al-anon home meeting group. i will also have a backyard, a home office, and room for my kids, dog and husband. the home has potential and i am looking forward to moving into it.

at the moment, however, i don't the funds to move, and am going to try to do my best to get a few things moved over so we can spend christmas eve - or failing that, christmas night - at our new house.

i am also in the process of changing jobs. the pro of this is that i will be making substantially more money. the con is that i actually love my old job and the people i work with. although i work my ass off, i feel comfortable there. and i also will miss the folks (clients) i have been working with. it is a bittersweet thing. i'm also taking on more responsibilities overall with the new job, so it will stretch my comfort zone a bit. but it was time to step up, if i look at it from a purely business career perspective.

so this is the short, dark time. i look toward the light, willing and wanting simpler, easier, happier times for the future.

and that is also what i wish for you.

Some thoughts on gratitude

2010-11-24T18:30:00.001-05:00

This time of year always evokes a multitude of frankly weird emotions in me.

At this moment I am watching BBC News and the headline was about some miners in New Zealand. Because I love many things about New Zealand, including everyone I have ever met, this makes me sad. A second explosion has left no survivors. While the world rejoiced when the Chilean miners emerged from their temporary crypt, there will be no such celebration in New Zealand. Another story is about Ireland’s horrible economic forecast, with all the cuts in public and social services. It is truly sad to comprehend that in so many local areas, not just in my own country, so many people are facing economic – and by extension, psychosocial – depression. The news is not good. And it is not good from anywhere.

Today I worked on getting some new hires trained, and dealt with an “old hire” – a current employee who seems bent on not doing what I ask. This seems to be a pattern. It makes me think that I have exhausted my ability to make a difference there.
And then I come home. The BBC News lets me know that things are touch all over. More stories. Demonstrations in the street in London. Death toll in Cambodia by stampede now over 450 persons. Persons who may have had hope, may have thought they could make difference.

Tara greets me with a hug, shrieking, “Mommy!” She traipses through the house in her old princess dress, and tells me she has tried raisins, and likes them, but not from a box. She tells me she has had a long day, and demonstrates how her toes can hold a pencil just like her fingers do. No matter how dark the news, no matter how bleak the freezing rain outside is, Tara can bring light and balance to my perspective. Kind of like her namesake. The female Buddha, Tara.

So gratitude. Here’s my take. I am grateful for having an open mind, a worldview that allows me to see others with compassion at times, knowing that I would be better served with more compassion. A perspective that gives me the ability to see the injustice in the world, and a mind that can sometimes trap and release words that allow others to understand these injustice in a more personal and meaningful way. A mindset that allows me to seek the spirit and not get mired in dogma. And finally, a intrinsic happiness that enables me to gain some small saving joy from little sillinesses in each day with my fellow human beings.

May your Thanksgiving be what you need to it to be to bring more enlightenment into your world.

So burned out I'm charred

2010-11-19T08:48:00.002-05:00

This was a week that the impossibility of my situation finally hit me.

As usual, I am exhausted beyond belief. I've been working over 100 hours per week since April. Everything that I am trying to accomplish, both personally and professionally, is constantly derailed by the bad behavior of others, or by my own dragged out inability to see anything to fruition.

I can remember working seven days a week once before in my life - when I was in grad school. At that point, however, I was making excellent grades, received an endowed scholarship, and basically had some kind of positive feedback in my world. I was thirty.

Now, eleven years later, I am too old for this. And there is no positive feedback.

I just went to the bank and found out my third job has not paid me (it's supposed to be direct deposit) for the last two weeks. I was overdrawn so I couldn't even put gas in my car to get to all my jobs.

Yesterday I was literally working with three different groups of people/tasks/goals at once at the office. I asked my boss to sit on ONE of them. And then he said, after FIVE minutes, "Can't I go back and do what I was working on?"

Today will be more of the same. I'm already miserable before I start.

Two days ago, I told St Timothy, "You are going to have to go get a job soon, because I am going to have a breakdown and quit all my jobs." He just said, "Okay." And nothing has changed.

So dear reader, just bear with me. I am trying to make it through this and onto something better, if that something better exists.

A day in the life of a bitter old woman

2010-11-14T23:34:00.001-05:00

Today has been a long and weird day. I awoke early, around 5:00 am, knowing I was scheduled at my Starbucks gig at 7:30. I lay in bed and tried to eke out another hour or so of sleep, to no avail. So I got up, took a shower, noting that two of my shampoo bottles had disappeared overnight. Then I got dressed and went and gave six hours to the coffee gods.

Arriving back at home, I am greeted by the vision of St Timothy, reclined on the couch, and the television blaring (volume level 32, when the kids and I watch it at 18) with endless football games. Periodically he takes out his computer, tries to get a signal to look at something, and then turns it off again, the television still shrieking. He moves from the couch to the loveseat, and back again. He steps out on the balcony every 15 to 20 minutes to smoke – “taking a couple of puffs,” he retorts when I pointed out that he smokes every 10-20 minutes. And then he returns to the couches and the idiot box. This is the sum of his existence, beyond arguing with 90% of all statements I make and screaming at the kids.

Tara goes from room to room, person to person, including the dog and her little voice is never silenced for longer than three seconds, except when she is asleep. Since Thursday night she has been sick. A visit to the pediatrician on Friday afternoon confirmed that she has double ear infections and a fever of 103. So we’ve been chasing her with Amoxicillin twice a day – well, I’ve been chasing her – today there was not time between football games, visits to the toilet/kitchen/smoke balcony for St Timothy to dose her. Not that I am shocked. At this writing she is wrapped around my left arm, making it difficult to type, as she giggles and tells me she “is [my] love.” This is the only positive feedback I will receive, and I am all for it.

Chloe took the money and ran. Literally. I gave her a $50 Visa card for her birthday, and she went to shopping with the parents of a friend. Apparently the fact I work multiple jobs is a real inconvenience to her, as I am not available to drive her to all the places she demands. Other parents are all more available and just all-round better human beings than me. Yet my shampoo is beguiling, as its allure is more than she can resist. When I question where it has gone, she pulls both bottles out of a bag in her room. My things are public property, but I don’t deserve the courtesy of a kind word. Teenagers.

The dog. Oh, the dog. He greeted me at the door, sniffing in an overall invasive way. Then he climbed onto the couch, into my lap. Which is lovely, except he has fleas. Despite telling me to buy flea powder yesterday morning, St Timothy has not found the time to dust some powder on the dog. Guess the dog wasn’t close enough to him during a commercial. He did find time to yell at Chloe to wash the dishes however.

So, having made it home and to my bedroom, I went to bed. Since ear-blasting football is not my cup of tea, I went to read in bed. I cannot watch television or listen to the radio in my room, as cords and converter boxes have been taken for others’ use. I drift off to sleep, and am awakened every 10 to 20 minutes by one of the kids coming in to ask me a question, or Tara’s overexuberant sharing. Finally after a couple of hours, St Timothy comes in to ask to use my debit card, as he wants to get fast food for Tara. Preparing any of the $200 worth of groceries I bought yesterday is too tedious. He goes to McDonald’s, venturing away from the safety of the screaming idiot box for a whole 20 minutes, and even returns with a sweet tea for me.

After he returns, I microwave a plate of generic pizza rolls for my one meal of the day. Tara meets me in the kitchen, demanding to know why I am eating her and her sister’s food. I explain I am only having a few. And then I retreat to the bedroom to eat the soggy crap in relative peace.

Today I have been reading Chuck Klosterman’s Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs on the Kindle between interruptions. I can’t say I agree with all or even most of his assertions, but I do applaud his writing and his right to make them. It’s interesting to read the ramblings of someone who grew up somewhat in my cultural era (Klosterman is roughly six months older than my younger sister). It’s also helped me demystify a thinking male’s take on such ephemera as “The Man Show,” a cancelled cable piece of shit show that St Timothy has made rare reference to as a cultural touchstone of his. (Figures.) Bottom line, Klosterman writes about some of the same crap I have pondered in my spare time, when I waste my time thinking about ultimately meaningless stuff. This is not to make light of his courageous treatment of cinema questioning the nature of reality. The subtitle of this book is something about “low culture,” but the end result is that reality can be about as low as you can get. In several sections he derides “snarkiness,” yet I’ve often felt, at least in my own life, that snarkiness is next to godliness. Small g, at that.

So today, with the reading, working, and trying to live in domestic harmony, I have come to one conclusion. There has to be more than this.

I am older than my parents were when they owned a home, provided a Catholic school education and took a vacation, and had a “real” life. Yet I can do none of these things. I work roughly the same amount of hours as both of them combined. Yet I hate all of it. There is no calling here. There is no love or passion for what I do. It’s like a prison sentence I am trying to get through until I reach the blessed furlough of death. I was told that if I got an education and worked hard, good things would happen for me. Whoever told me that LIED.

There has to be time to enjoy my children. Isn’t that what mothers are supposed to do? There has to be time to enjoy something other than reading someone else’s writing. I wonder how old I will have to be before I find it.

getting older... redux

2010-11-13T16:21:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I became the mother of a fifteen year old. Yes, I did see this coming. And I have been ruminating on the idea for a while now. In the US, where I live, this means I am one year away from dealing with a child who drives. This is not what I want to even consider, especially considering that this same child still sucks her thumb, forgets to walk the dog, and leaves a trail of crumbs everywhere she goes.

It’s not like I didn’t see this coming. Ever since she uttered that first evil cry in the delivery room, I knew this little one was someone to be reckoned with. But now every sentence is a demand, and I am the one at fault. I am the failure. The one who has failed to provide her with one thing she has ever wanted, and the one who has forced her to live a deprived life of boredom, tedium and evil.

So today I sit at the dining table that is as worn and beaten as I am. I type frenetically on my MacBook. I have the same dreams I had when she was born: to be a writer, to live independently of others, and to have time and freedom to explore my craft. Unfortunately, I have not been able to realize any of these dreams for the past fifteen years. Another child has come. And still the dreams remain.

I look around myself. I am still preparing meals for various people when they are hungry and drop into my hovel. I am still listening to my ex-husband snore on the couch – the present husband, St Timothy of the Incessant Humming, has run to the store to pick up cream cheese, water and caffeine-free soft drinks for the restless natives. Four girls (aged 15 to 5) currently are perching in my home, their cackles can be heard through the closed bedroom door. And I still sit at the dining table, typing away, and wishing my life away, just to be someone else.

Someone who words come easy to. Someone who possesses style and grace, both on the page and the pavement. Someone whose mind does not flit from regret to regression. Someone who does not look back, and is not afraid to look forward.
I may never be a writer. I may fall off the planet tomorrow, either hit by a bus or taken out by my high blood pressure. I may even be crushed by the towers of unread books by my bed. Sweet irony, indeed.

However, I may also lose my mind and have to try to sneak a laptop into the asylum of my choice so I can lull the lunatics with the pitter patter of little keys.

At any rate, we are another year older. Not wiser. And no closer to the goal. But we are still here.

Written on 10/19/10:

2010-10-22T18:49:00.001-04:00

Lately I have been indulging that old whore, self-reflection. And of course, what she is showing me ain’t pretty. It’s a difficult birthday coming up in a couple of weeks, like 40 didn’t insult me enough last year. And yet… here I am, no closer to being whatever it is I am supposed to be, and still feeling overt self-loathing because of it.

At this point in my life, I thought I would have a home. Not a stuffed to the gills, too small, overpriced exercise in close communal living. Life in this particular petri dish is really bringing me down, and is actually a step backward from where I was just a year ago. At any rate, I knew what I was facing when I lost my house, and most of the time I just try not to think about it. However, there are just so many ways to distract oneself from the ugly truth. And the even uglier stacks of boxes and laundry that just don’t fit but are necessary to present a semi-capable façade to the world.

I also thought I would have found something more lucrative to do. I think I would be okay with the whole poverty thing if I didn’t have to work several jobs at once to achieve it. For example, being broke but having some kind of time to bathe, read, take naps, clean my house, or look at my kids might not be as evil. Or at least, I don’t remember it as being as evil as this.

What I am realizing is that this life of mine is a lesson in boundaries. I have accepted the unacceptable for so long, it is going to be a long hard climb up the hill to reach that little burgh called Decency. I look forward to at least having a cup of tea there before my mental illness shuttles me off to parts unknown. The topography of this map remains to be seen for the most part, and I continue to explore its shapes with cracked and numb hands.

So what do I have? Resolve? Maybe, but it is quickly disapating from over-use. Intelligence? Only out of a book, obviously, because I keep doing dumb shit. Patience? Not on your life. Self-knowledge? Hmmmm, someone said the unexamined life is not worth living. I say it is a bitch.

So anyway, here’s what I am doing. I am going to change my work schedule at the “main job,” continue to try to freelance and make it until the end of the year. I, with actual regret, gave a notice at my Starbucks job (with regret because other than the plantar’s fasciitis, which makes it unbearable to stand on my feet for longer than an hour and the great pain and difficulty walking, I actually like that job). And with something akin to hope, I actually signed up again for NaNoWriMo again this year. Last year my MacBook crashed in the middle of the first or second week, so I lost my fledgingly effort at that. I may try to recreate that story, as it is still floating around in my psyche somewhere, I think. I dunno. But it’s becoming increasingly clear to me that I will never be a writer if I don’t actually get started. My health sucks, to be blunt, and I’m already creeping into my forties with shame. So if not now, when?

So thanks for reading, if you are. And if you are, please drop a comment or follow my blog. I promise that it will get more interesting as I continue to get my priorities in order.

Morning Becomes Electric...

2010-09-06T10:29:00.000-04:00

A couple of days ago while nursing the latest of a long line of toothaches, I decided that I will only be able to subsist on a liquid diet of pureed fruits, all organic, as is befitting my inner svelte goddess.

Having embarked on such a journey, at least in my mind, I decided last night to get out my expensive blender. This blender deserves special mention, as I bought it to match all my other appliances when I lived in a house and not in a hovel, and had dreams of becoming a domestic diva. That one crashed. At any rate, I get out the blender, a 20 pound Black-and-Decker behemoth with shiny chrome accruements, and proceeded to make smoothies as a dessert treat for my family and my best friend who is always game for my impromptu dinner parties. Last night’s theme was white trash cooking, complete with pigs in a blanket, and generic out-of-the-box macaroni and cheese, with a side of “French” green beans (shredded fresh out of the can, no doubt). At any rate, the dessert smoothies were a hit, and the process went off well… almost.

Imagine my surprise when my fancy, expensive blender emitted more noise than a dozen wheat threshers at harvest time. The smell of the pureed fruit that was enjoyed by my diners was lost on me; I was still suspiciously sniffing the hint of acrid burning that I swear still haunts my nostrils. And finally, having lugged the heavy glass container to the sink for a soak, I was disillusioned. Once again.

So my dreams are dashed of having an early morning smoothie before I go off to work my eighteen-hour days. My neighbor, who falls all over herself to make witty conversation with St Timothy of Bad Television, complains if my dog utters a single bark. I am sure she will go into apoplexy if I run my Fruit Mashing Burning Machine yet another time. Living with two loud children, an exuberant dog, and a drunk, I have to ration my noisemaking opportunities.

Guess I will keep using the hotpot to make strong, overly sweet Irish breakfast tea every morning to get that get-up-and-go.

And it will get up and go to my flab. Inner Skinny Chick, Shut Up.

What a difference a Dexter makes...

2010-09-05T19:22:00.001-04:00

As I am driving down the road actually having a real conversation with St Timothy of the Boondocks, it hits me.

“We were driving through the streets back in Rockford, and we were covered in mud, from wheels to the whites of our eyes. Everyone honked or beeped at us, howling, because we had been out in the Jeep, getting into whatever we could get into.”

No, this is not an exact quote. But it made me think. I remember days of bliss and action, doing dumb stuff with my friends - that was priority at that time in my life. And the world honked and waved back, because joy was contagious, or everyone was young once, or some such mutually fuzzy shit. Now my priorities are getting through the day, getting to all my jobs and doing the minimally acceptable amount – because I am too exhausted to do any more that that – and then going home to crash.

Yesterday, I spent the majority of time at home. I did venture forth to consume a bit of mediocre Chinese buffet, which I was unable to do with zeal because I had a hideous toothache. And we grabbed some stuff to make fruit smoothies, because the toothache had me thinking that I would starve and so need to consist on a liquid diet. My inner skinny person stretched and yawned and determined that when all my hideous teeth fall out I will be thin and will do yoga and where belly shirts and hip capris and will drink airy martinis and be elegant and sexy and only slightly curvaceous as I take younger lovers and drive a convertible SUV or perhaps a Mini Cooper. In reality, I went home to nap on the couch and finish watching Season One of Dexter on DVD. And read. And read. And napped. And read.

Fast forward to this afternoon. I am leaving work and a coworker remarks that I look much less frazzled today. Could a day make so much difference?

Anyway, I digress. Those days of bliss and action – where the action was always slightly bizarre but very entertaining – are long gone for me. Yet I cannot bear the alternative. Yesterday, just driving around with the Tiny Tyrant Tara and St Timothy, I came up with about three ideas for essays/articles…. at the very least, blog entries. It was almost as if my joie de vivre, dare I say my Muse? came back.

Scary stuff.

So two things are happening. I am giving less of a shit. And I am happier. And I might even write again.

Migraines are a pain in places other than the head...

2010-08-19T10:52:00.002-04:00

This morning I was awoken by the work cell phone. Prior to 6:00 am.

Opening one eye, I was immediately blinded, nauseated and pissed off by a stabbing migraine. I rolled over, and wanted to stab my eyes, brain and connective tissue with a rusty barbecue fork. I resisted the urge, barely, and began my evil day.

See, yesterday I got slammed. St. Timothy of the Rusty Bottle Opener had called me at work to let me know the electricity has been shut off. Again. I'm sure it had put quite a kink in the luxurious life we live at Chez Dog Hair. It was too late in the day and I was in between leaving one job and going to the next, and so it remained off all last night. And today. Payday is in two weeks, so I am questioning our ability to rough it frontier-style until then. This unfairly imposed embargo against my getting my morning caffeine will probably chauffeur me the short distance to certifiably insane.
Some other work stuff also happened, and it was one of those days - wait, every day is one of those days! - where every phone call was a drama/catastrophe/tragedy just waiting with its breath held to sink its malodorous claws into me to save the day. Unfortunately, I left my superhero cape in my other life closet.

So dragging one well-heeled and bitter foot into today, I have the migraine. I would refer to it as The Visitor From Hell, but others would get confused and think I was talking about a menstrual event or worse, one of my relatives.

The good news is that I don't have migraines as often as I used to. The bad news is, when I do,they kick my ass.

So today I am at the office, my evil throbbing head-goblin in tow. I've got stacks of things to read, type, calls to make, and other silly things. And the head-goblin is cackling mightily. "What a dumbass," it chortles. "Like we are here to work!" it scoffs.

So the lesson for today, my dear readers, is not to take anything for granted. Pain-free days. Electricity. Snacks. None of it.

Even sanity. Oh wait, did I say sanity?

Growing Older Disgracefully

2010-08-18T14:23:00.002-04:00

A couple of weeks ago I scraped together the funds and decided to break in my Starbucks health insurance and went to see a local doctor for some minor complaints. Complaints like shooting pains in my feet after working only an hour, and the excruciating pain shooting through my hands, wrists, arms and sometimes shoulders after typing, writing or making lattes for more than a few minutes. I was sure he would tell me I had some exotic malady, and prescribe a miracle drug that would make me pain-free (and sexy). However, I was to be disappointed.

"You know, you are not young anymore."

Wow, what a diagnosis. Notyoungitis? Aged decrepititude? This is a disease I am not quite prepared to embrace, basically because the cure kind of sucks.

Hobble with me through time to last Friday. I, enamored with the heady pleasure that is health (and vision! swoon!) insurance, decided to treat my myopic peepers to a vision exam for new glasses. The optometrist performed the vision field exam twice before throwing in the towel. When I asked him what could be the culprit, he discovered lesions on my retina. The bright side, he says, is that I am not so old I need bifocals! Fabulous. My heart rejoices.

So my body is ancient, while my eyes are merely aged?

These events have caused me to do further consideration of my life. At this late age of creeping up on forty-one, I planned on having accomplished an entirely different set of goals. I did not plan on having my life's events randomly caused by others. I did not plan to be a professional reactor to people who have no idea how to react.

So it is with every bit of resolve I have not to quit all my jobs and run. Somewhere, anywhere.
Not to abandon responsibility and start living. My own life.
Not to chuck it and spend my remaining days being a drain on the system, fate, and others' nerves.

My task at this point is try to carve out a little serenity, calm, happiness even, when there's not much left to carve from.

Getting my life back might be so grand as to overwhelm me.

Back to the old blogging board....

2010-07-29T15:16:00.003-04:00

I had decided to let blogging go for at least the summer. One of my last posts elicited a flame from my own mother, no less. In the interest of keeping the peace, but understanding that 1) memory can be selective; and 2) I am not crazy - wait, I am, but not in that way - I have decided to let everyone believe whatever they want on that score and keep on going. I don't write my blog for her, and I write my memories, thoughts and concerns, no one else's. I have my hands full enough, frankly, with trying to survive my own life. And no one can guess what that's about....

So anyway, I am back in the blogosphere, and trying to re-establish myself once again.

This has been an interesting summer to say the least.

I am still plugging away at barista-ness at a local Starbucks, and in two days I - along with my children, and even St Timothy of the Dashed Hopes and Dreams - will have health insurance. I am pretty excited about this. I have already made an eye appointment. About 3 months ago, Tara stood on my only pair of glasses. This is a pretty serious thing, considering I am actually legally blind in my left eye, and can't see that well out my right. I've been wearing an old, bent-up pair from about 10 years ago, and the headaches are excruciating so this will be a welcome thing.

In the past month I have been very disappointed by several of the people close to me, one in particular. I have learned to trust my instincts more and that I truly can save no one in world but myself.

Without going into great tedious detail, I will speak as an Al-Anon here.
About a month ago, my husband hit what hopefully will finally be his bottom and was arrested. The charges, of course, stemmed from his alcoholism. No surprise there. I left him in jail for four days. Eventually I did bail him out, but it was with trepidation, and misgivings, and basically only because I was physically sick at that point. Without him in the home, instead of feeling relief, I could not sleep or eat. (And yes, I am still enjoying the fact that my jeans, so recently outgrown, are fitting again.) This was strange, as I thought when delivered from living with active alcoholism, I would be breathing easier. Basically all I felt was that life was hard, stressful and overall sucky no matter what.
This week he went back to court for the third time, was sentenced to 3 more days (for a total of 7, with credit for time served), and attended two AA meetings. He will be going back to jail tomorrow morning. I refuse to get happy that he attended the two meetings; I've been this road before and I know better than to hope for anything outside of myself. Hell, even hoping for myself is setting myself up for disappointment at this point.

Other than that, I have been scrambling to re-define myself career-wise. I still want to be a writer someday. Yet having time to write, or to even hear my own voice, is difficult when I am scurrying from one job to the next. It's hard to carve time out to shower and play with my kids, let alone to write anything anyone will ever want to read. I still can't shake the impulse to write, however. And I am less afraid to look deeper within my own foibles and funk-tastic mental illness/strangeness to figure out just what kind of crazed freak is staring back at me.

I want to say I am at once more frightened about the future than ever, but at the same time, not sure if I care.

The bottom line is that I can't keep going on as I have. And at some point, I may need a few hours off work (since a day is impossible) to figure out what to do about all that.

A couple days ago I found out that a person that had given me some hope in my recovery had died. So I would like to say:

So long, Julia, and thanks for all your words, and for just being there. We got what we needed from hearing your words and your story. And you were heard.

This made me happy.

2010-05-28T10:54:00.001-04:00

This made very happy. Not sure I would disclose at a job interview, but there it is.

Sums up the day at work!

2010-05-27T16:27:00.000-04:00

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

I am powerless over time and my life has become unmanageable...

2010-05-27T13:24:00.002-04:00

Well, the title of this entry kind of says it all.

On the bright side, I am still working both jobs, and have not quit, even though there have been several days I have wondering if killing myself slowly in this fashion is really worth it. I am looking at several different things in my world, and trying to make some decisions about everything.

I am trying to decide what I need to do to take care of what must happen... A very vague way of trying to determine some priorities and changes that may need to happen. For so long my life has been in a holding pattern, and right now my decision making is based on what I need to accomplish just to make it through the next 24 hours. That is kind of a good exercise for me to do in terms of recovery, but also been very problematic in my trying to be seen as more of a professional and less of a doormat upon which to dump repugnant tasks. It appears I have a less than rudimentary filter with which to weed out that stuff.

So forgive the not writing, and too many days of silence. Between working seven days per week and no Internet access at home, I have lost the ability to check in as much as I would like. Or go to meetings. Or do lots of other things.

2010-05-26T14:32:00.001-04:00

catching up....

2010-05-15T14:05:00.005-04:00

It's been almost a month since my last post and not much has changed. I am still working at KIC and Starbucks. I am actually able to understand a drink call and can make most drinks now, albeit slowly. I am very lucky to have a great bunch of people to work with, and some of them are truly glorious people. As far as my original job goes, I am glad to have a part-time assistant to help with the phone, faxes and filing. This has helped me a great deal, and I may even get caught up some day.

Physically I am having alot of problems with the hypertension and the fibromyalgia. I keep having flares, not sleeping very well (even though I sleep every chance I get), and overall I feel very run down. My heels are hurting daily in an excruciating way, and so I have started back on the Nopalea and the vitamins as of this morning. I think this will make a big difference.

The weather here continues to be beautiful, even when there are thunderstorms or floods.

*** Disclaimer: I did not take any pictures of the flood, so I took these from jade1984 at The Weather Channel gallery. I'm sorry I didn't take any photos, because Mother Nature really showed us who is in control. Not us.***

Headaches of a different kind....

2010-04-28T16:39:00.002-04:00

Today is Wednesday and I have just realized that I have not seen either one of my children since Sunday. Yes, we all still live in the same tiny two bedroom apartment. But I am leaving for my first job before 7:00AM and then coming home from my second job at 11:00PM or later. I have seen my 5 year old asleep a few times, but I haven't laid eyes on my 14 year old since Sunday. I did talk to her on the phone once.

There is a part of me that is wondering if $40,000 a year is worth this. I am thinking it is not. However, I know there is no future in my present career or job and part of me is just hoping my manager at Starbucks is not kidding when she says she is going to train me in July to be a shift manager. ($40,000/year is not a typo. That's what I am making from BOTH jobs. Ooops, I just did the math; it's actually $37,800.)

On a brighter note, our Al-Anon group decided to go with my idea of adding another meeting. I asked for a Step Meeting on Thursday nights, and that is what is going to happen on May 13 and thereafter. This makes me very happy.

Tonight I am going to get to go to a meeting, and then go home and look at my children for a couple of hours. Tomorrow I am planning on going into work later, around 8am instead of before 7, and hopefully I will get some good sleep tonight. I'm not even reading anymore. Too tired, and if I pick up a book I am asleep before I can finish a page.

I'm also feeling old due to being in the midst of a fibro flare the past few days.

Thanks for listening to the whine. I will try to have better cheese next time.

Earth Day!

2010-04-22T10:58:00.005-04:00

I really love Earth Day. Christmas gives me the blues, and most other family-oriented holidays in general are just depressing. However, Earth Day (and Halloween, of course) is the type of holiday I can get behind.

Earth Day came about as an idea from Gaylord Nelson, a senator. The first Earth Day was celebrated in 1970, when I was about 7 months old. (I'm sure my parents had no idea about it; my dad is an ex-Marine sharpshooter whose idea of environmentalism is hunting, and my mother prides herself on having been above all hippy-like ideas, including saving the planet, in the 60s.)

Here's Nelson's take on the history of Earth Day (his own words taken from the EnviroLink website):

Actually, the idea for Earth Day evolved over a period of seven years starting in 1962. For several years, it had been troubling me that the state of our environment was simply a non-issue in the politics of the country. Finally, in November 1962, an idea occurred to me that was, I thought, a virtual cinch to put the environment into the political "limelight" once and for all. The idea was to persuade President Kennedy to give visibility to this issue by going on a national conservation tour. I flew to Washington to discuss the proposal with Attorney General Robert Kennedy, who liked the idea. So did the President. The President began his five-day, eleven-state conservation tour in September 1963. For many reasons the tour did not succeed in putting the issue onto the national political agenda. However, it was the germ of the idea that ultimately flowered into Earth Day.

I continued to speak on environmental issues to a variety of audiences in some twenty-five states. All across the country, evidence of environmental degradation was appearing everywhere, and everyone noticed except the political establishment. The environmental issue simply was not to be found on the nation's political agenda. The people were concerned, but the politicians were not.

After President Kennedy's tour, I still hoped for some idea that would thrust the environment into the political mainstream. Six years would pass before the idea that became Earth Day occurred to me while on a conservation speaking tour out West in the summer of 1969. At the time, anti-Vietnam War demonstrations, called "teach-ins," had spread to college campuses all across the nation. Suddenly, the idea occurred to me - why not organize a huge grassroots protest over what was happening to our environment?

I was satisfied that if we could tap into the environmental concerns of the general public and infuse the student anti-war energy into the environmental cause, we could generate a demonstration that would force this issue onto the political agenda. It was a big gamble, but worth a try.

At a conference in Seattle in September 1969, I announced that in the spring of 1970 there would be a nationwide grassroots demonstration on behalf of the environment and invited everyone to participate. The wire services carried the story from coast to coast. The response was electric. It took off like gangbusters. Telegrams, letters, and telephone inquiries poured in from all across the country. The American people finally had a forum to express its concern about what was happening to the land, rivers, lakes, and air - and they did so with spectacular exuberance. For the next four months, two members of my Senate staff, Linda Billings and John Heritage, managed Earth Day affairs out of my Senate office.

Five months before Earth Day, on Sunday, November 30, 1969, The New York Times carried a lengthy article by Gladwin Hill reporting on the astonishing proliferation of environmental events:

"Rising concern about the environmental crisis is sweeping the nation's campuses with an intensity that may be on its way to eclipsing student discontent over the war in Vietnam...a national day of observance of environmental problems...is being planned for next spring...when a nationwide environmental 'teach-in'...coordinated from the office of Senator Gaylord Nelson is planned...."

It was obvious that we were headed for a spectacular success on Earth Day. It was also obvious that grassroots activities had ballooned beyond the capacity of my U.S. Senate office staff to keep up with the telephone calls, paper work, inquiries, etc. In mid-January, three months before Earth Day, John Gardner, Founder of Common Cause, provided temporary space for a Washington, D.C. headquarters. I staffed the office with college students and selected Denis Hayes as coordinator of activities.

Earth Day worked because of the spontaneous response at the grassroots level. We had neither the time nor resources to organize 20 million demonstrators and the thousands of schools and local communities that participated. That was the remarkable thing about Earth Day. It organized itself.

Many people are not aware that I took the photo that graces the title of this blog. That same day I took several others as well.

So in honor of Earth Day, I leave you with another photo I took of a tree that bloomed in the spring at my old house. If I could go back there without crying, I am sure I would see it blooming even now.

Respect our planet. It's the only one we have.

Random thoughts

2010-04-20T17:10:00.002-04:00

Living with an alcoholic is never easy. Last night I finished working a 12 hour shift at my primary job, and had to go for a brief store meeting at Starbucks, my second job. I explained to my alcoholic that the meeting would be finished at 7pm. However, he called me at 6:50pm asking where I am and what were my plans for dinner. Due to his slurring words, loud voice, and the fact that he was calling when he knew I should not be taking calls, I was pretty sure he was drunk.

My mind went, I am ashamed to admit, to its usual place. I started to formulate a big old resentment and started doing that pissed off, snippy self dialog in my head. Instead of enjoying meeting the rest of the team I work with, I was nursing that ugly resentment.

However, my usual Monday night Al-Anon meeting was almost half over. I drove the mile or so to the meeting, parked illegally (sorry, will make amends later), and rushed upstairs to catch the last 25 minutes of the meeting, and felt SO MUCH BETTER because of it.

I take heart in the fact that I may not always go to the right place in my head, but I do know better how to handle it.

Today has been an off day however. I was up 5 times last night with stomach illness, and have felt off and out of sorts all day because of it. I am working at my office now, and until 5:50pm or so, then going home, because I don't have it in me to work a 15 hour day today.

I knew doing both jobs was not going to be easy. But instead of panicking, I am going to just survive one day at a time. Just get through today, and let tomorrow be tomorrow's job.

Until tomorrow, dear reader. Sweet dreams.

A case of the Mondays, and no way to empty the case but to live through it...

2010-04-19T07:36:00.002-04:00

I am not a fan of Mondays. They come along and ruin a perfectly good weekend. This weekend was not perfect, but Saturday was pretty good, and I finished the 4th Dexter book last night, so all in all... it beats working.

This weekend and today have convinced me even more that I need to find work in the area of my first degree, English. I am so burned out with disabilities and human services, I find myself becoming more and more jaded by the day. At this moment, I am work, slugging through piles and piles of papers, which seem to never end. Today the administrative assistant that I hired begins working, so I am looking forward to training her and giving this mess over to her. A part of me feels as if I am dumping the work on someone else, but I cannot do everything, or even the majority of everything, so I am coming to peace with the idea quite quickly.

There's not much time for blogging this morning, as I have some paperwork of my own to generate. Our new policy states that I will complete the summaries for the month before by the 20th, and tomorrow is the 20th. I will also be working at Starbucks tomorrow, so that will impact my ability to get it all done too.

So, until later.

Saturday and the living is easy?

2010-04-17T21:03:00.002-04:00

Today was a busy day. I took the girls to the grocery, and then to Starbuck's (through the drive-through, we had cold groceries to get home). And then I took them to the library, where they stayed while I went to my Saturday morning Al-Anon meeting downtown. And then I picked the girls up, and we went home and went swimming at the indoor pool at my apartment complex. While swimming, Tara put on a pair of water wings and SWAM ALONE for the first time, so that was rather exciting!
We then went to Cove Springs, a park in Frankfort, and hiked a couple of the trails. It was all good fun, and I got the picture below too - a picture of one of the trails with the redbuds blooming. I love the redbud trees; they are one of the most beautiful things about living in Kentucky in April.

Of course, having this much fun today means that I am going to have to clean house and work in the office for a long time tomorrow. I am trying not to be bitter about that.

On a lighter note, I have been craving the smell of coffee all day, and for this reason actually missed working at Starbuck's today. I guess this means I like my job!

Tonight I am at a friend's house, just a brief walk from my place, and using my laptop on her Internet. I so miss having internet at home. I think I am going to have to pay to have it reconnected when I get paid from BOTH my jobs on Friday. I am also going to get a French press and some decent coffee. I have at least the foresight to already own a grinder...

During the meeting today the topic was "Facing Reality." This was a really good topic for me, and later, probably tomorrow I will post what I wrote during the meeting. (Yes, I wrote during the meeting. It was apparent the leader of the meeting, who is a strong Alateen supporter, despite the fact we have NO Alateens showing up for any meetings, was going to go on at length about how we all need to support Alateen. In fact, the meeting did not even start until 30 minutes into the meeting, when the first reading was done. I decided there were people there who needed to talk and share more than I do, and so I wrote my share in my notebook. I did this more so I could process it later, actually, and hoping that it will help me later to think more about it. ) I decided to put into practice today that my reality could be pleasant, and I decide to make the best of today. Instead of bemoaning the fact I have 3 kids instead of my own two to take care of on my first weekend off in months, I decided to do something enjoyable with them. It was a good practice for me.

So here's hoping everyone's day is or was as pleasant as mine. If not, here's for tomorrow.

TGIF... more words, and maybe a poem?

2010-04-16T16:20:00.003-04:00

Today I did a shift of training at Starbucks. Then I came to the office and walked into a meeting, and had to do more negotiating and problem solving on my feet. Now the office is empty and I am left to try to clean the mess and get myself organized.

I find an interesting phenomenon - how easily it is to switch my gears from newly hired, bottom of the totem pole trainee to coming in and being management at the other job. I almost prefer the trainee role... it doesn't hurt that everyone is being patient and doing an excellent job of teaching me, so the learning is relatively painless.

Now I am back in the office and looking at so many piles of paper I could lose my mind. On Monday the filing person/administrative assistant I hired is starting, so I am hoping by the end of next week I will be able to find things again without trying to pull a muscle in my back or brain.

The other delicious thing is that I am broke this weekend, but I AM OFF FROM BOTH JOBS!!!! I'm not really sure what I am going to do with two days off, as it has not happened in so long. Like, in over 8 months. But I feel sure I can do something. Sleeping in on Sunday is the first thing I really have planned. I'll let the rest of the weekend unfold as it will. I am sure it will be over far too soon.

Well, it is something like Fiction Friday, but I have nothing prepared. So here's a spot (composed on the spot!) poem:

There's nothing like you
Thank god.
I mean, really,
Would you ask for another?
So in love with your own voice,
Until it grates like cheese over my shattered nerves?
Or pontificating,
Flashes - or is it flushes -
Of brilliance shared for us,
The unwashed masses.
We thank you,
Really.
Not so much.
-4/16/10

Some musings on "fairness"

2010-04-15T16:06:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I was not in a very good frame of mind. It was my younger daughter's fifth birthday and some family and friends were coming over to have cake and ice cream and open gifts. I had to make a late afternoon run to meet with a new client in another city. While on the way there, I got a call from the husband saying the 5 year old's guinea pig was dying. The guests were to due to arrive at any minute. So I continued on, met with my client, and then came home. By the time I got home, the guinea pig was dead and all the guests had arrived. We didn't tell Tara, but after everyone else left, Tara asked about Sammy (the guinea pig). I told her about the situation. She and I cried for a while, and then went to bed.

This morning I mused over the situation. How sad it is that I can't protect her from disappointment and grief, and that it had to happen on her birthday, a day she had been looking forward to.

Life is full of disappointments.

I was told that if I worked hard and got an education, my life would be better.
Someone lied.

Everything I was taught growing up was based on the basic message or premise that I am intrinsically not good enough - that I must earn self esteem, love and the esteem of others by my actions, or by my possessions, cachet, or some external construct.

In reality, this is probably the most damaging thing about being me.

Now I want to make sure I don't sell this line of crap to my children, polluting their chances at true self worth....

Just some musings. I'll write more later when I've thought more about it.

Five years ago today...

2010-04-14T12:00:00.004-04:00

I gave birth at 4:06 in the afternoon to a spirited little girl. She is the light of my life. When things have been the darkest for me, especially in the last year, she has been the only reason I have persevered. So for today, Happy Birthday, Tara. Thank you for being my daughter.

She was named after Tara, the female Buddha, goddess of compassion.

May you have a happy and serene life, and always remember you are loved.

A tribute to Dixie Carter

2010-04-14T11:58:00.001-04:00

Dixie Carter passed away on Saturday after a battle with endometrial cancer. May her Southern glory live on, forever.

Tuesday afternoon spells "nap."

2010-04-13T16:33:00.002-04:00

I am working both my jobs today, so I am daydreaming about going home and taking a nap for the next oh, let's say 20 hours. Unfortunately, that is not a possibility. I am here until around 10pm, and then I get to go home and start cleaning. Tomorrow I am only working the first job, and then Thursday and Friday I work both jobs again. I am only scheduled 4 hours a day at the coffee shop, but my original job is at least 60 hours a week, so this may get a bit crazy, or at least creative.

In my visits to others' blogs this afternoon I was struck by the others' feeling the same way I have lately - overextended. Tired. Transitioned out.

I'm worn out. Wish there was some entertaining witticism here, but there's not. Maybe tomorrow...

Monday morning has 6 more minutes in it....

2010-04-12T11:53:00.002-04:00

I am happy to report. Mondays are rough. Simply because the hallowed sacredness that is the weekend has passed again, not to return for another five days, and I have to come back and look at the same piles of papers that I left bitterly on Friday.

Today began well overall. I finished reading the third Dexter novel (if you haven't had the pleasure, check out the entire series, three in paperback, the last one only in hardback still.... Jeff Lindsay is the author, and I've enjoyed reading his work.), and hit the grocery store to buy a loaf of bread for fixings for lunch here at the office for the week. Homemade pimento cheese from their deli - need I say more? Or is pimento cheese simply a Southern phenomenon? I then came to the office and cleared my desk into piles of tasks for the day. And my office phone and cell phone have been quieter than in ages...

This past weekend I started my job at Starbuck's. Yes, that is the hallowed place I have been hired. And yes, I actually like it. The people are nice, the coffee is actually good, and I am actually learning something new. Something that does not involve what I have been doing for the last 20+ years, so it is refreshing too.

Last week I hired a part-time assistant. I will be sharing her with the rest of the management team, and she doesn't start until next week, but I am so looking forward to having someone else file all these damn papers and get them off my desk.
I am also having her deal with the phones and the other silliness that interrupts me a thousand times a day so I can be more efficient during the time I am here, and hopefully go back to working closer to 40 hours a week here instead of 60 or 70. I don't think this will be the key to making my life perfect or anything, but I do think it is a step in the right direction to making life a bit more sane for me.

It's been almost a week since I've been to a meeting, but I am doing well. Last night I got a call from a fellow Al-Anon, and it did me good to listen. Lots of the talking I did do was in the form of asking questions, and it felt good to listen and not have all the answers. When I did share, it was small snippets of what I try to do in my own life and home.

Well, off to my desk and the 2 inches of papers on it. A great improvement from last week's mountain but still lots to do. Monday afternoon, here I come.

Tuesday morning....

2010-04-06T10:41:00.003-04:00

This morning began rather harried as I had to chauffeur St Timothy of the Dirty Drawers to work earlier than usual. I went in to wake up Tara and get her ready to go and she had covered herself from head to foot in some kind of oily black residue. She wouldn't tell me the origin of the mess, but it took me about 15 minutes to get it off her face, hands and torso so she would be presentable for public viewing. I then dropped off St Timmy and proceeded to the gas station, as my tire was flat for the third time in as many days. As I was reinflating the tire, I checked my email on my cell phone - ever the multitasker - and found that most of the paperwork I emailed yesterday to a person was now being asked for in hard copy by the same person. So I turned around, took Tara to the office with me, and proceeded to make copies and make sure all documentation was complete AGAIN. I was told by staff they were coming to the office to drop off more paperwork, and that they would pick up the tomes I have now assembled. As I have been working this morning, Tara has fallen asleep on the floor of my office, and I am hoping she will nap until lunch, at which time I will take her home and go back to washing the dishes that amassed yesterday while I was at work.

Tomorrow I go to see about a training and work schedule for the new job. I am hoping to be able to balance both jobs in my life. I am pretty sure that I will have to cut out several - hopefully not all - of my Al-Anon meetings. I hope I can make it through.

Why is it over 90 degrees in my office?

2010-04-05T17:48:00.002-04:00

I mean, really. It is almost bearable in the rest of the office here. But my office, it is always about 20 degrees hotter than anywhere else....

Today has been a typical spring day of thunderstorms here in KY. The temperature has been about 80 degrees F. And I've been in the office most of the day, so I'm looking forward to going over the bridge here downtown and going to an Al-Anon meeting. Living with an active alcoholic, I need the meetings as I can fit them into my world.

Also I received a phone call today and I got the job I applied for last week. I am going in Wednesday and going to see how I can combine it with my job that I am working right now. I may go back to being an independent contractor at the job I have now. I am not sure.... I think I can do both. Or die trying... Usually I do this about once a year. I panic about the money so then go get two full-time jobs and then work myself to death for a few months, until I pass out. Or get sick. Or have a mini-breakdown.

Let's hope this time it works out. Something's got to give.

Just an April Fool

2010-04-02T09:10:00.002-04:00

Only time for a short blog today.

Last night I met with my sponsor and we went over my 6th and 7th Step writings so I can forge ahead to my 8th Step.

Of course, the person on the top of my 8th Step List is ME.

So at the moment I am wondering how to make amends to myself. This should be an interesting process....

Also, today is Good Friday. There's still just enough Catholic girl in me to note this, and to want to go somewhere quiet and reflect this afternoon until 3PM or so...

The day is just beginning, and yet....

My 300th post: Thoughts on self-care

2010-03-31T17:41:00.002-04:00

This is my 300th post... very hard to believe, considering blogging has been sort of an ebb and flow experience for me.

Lately something has been bothering me more and more.... I have noticed an overall decline in my energy, and have basically been feeling worse and worse. This has been going on for about a month or so, and it has me worried. I don't feel I have much energy at all, am easily tired, want to sleep more and more, but my quality of sleep is not good. And my body hurts more and more. I am moving it less and less, due to the increasing pain and exhaustion. Those I talk to tell me to rest, and I do, most of the time, but it seems to make it worse, not better. And I just can't force myself to do much else these days. Today I worked in three counties, and tomorrow and Friday I am working in the other two counties, and I am still working lots of hours per week. But I am less and less able to do it.

This also scares me because I have applied for a very physical job and had an interview on Monday. The interview was mediocre. But the job would mean 8 more hours a day on my feet. To even think about it now makes me want to crawl under a rock and never emerge.

I am trying to force myself to walk more, move more, and NOT TO ISOLATE as part of my self-care idea. However, tonight I have an Al-Anon meeting in less than an hour, and I am aching all over, and really want nothing more than to go home, put on a nightgown and go to bed (like I have for the last 4 days). I've felt feverish, weak and generally like I have the flu. But not bad enough to get a day off.

My idea is that if I keep trying to live better, I will eventually feel better.
Does anyone have any idea when that will happen?
Just wondering.

P.S. Thanks for reading the past 300 posts of mental drivel. I've been doing this now since 2008. Two years of words.

A weekend of isolation just doesn't cut it anymore.

2010-03-29T14:38:00.002-04:00

This weekend started out fine. I attended my Saturday morning Al-Anon group and then took my daughters to lunch and then swimming at the (indoor) pool in our apartment complex. Then we went to get some snacks, as I had every intention of watching basketball. However, I went home, got in bed with my junk food, and basically did not budge until Sunday night, when I had to go do some home visits with my clients.

It used to be that spending a weekend in isolation was good for my soul. Now it just makes me feel lazy, achy, and irritable.

I take this as a good sign. Maybe I want to join the human race again?

Now, let's not get CRAZY...

So here it is Monday, and I am back at work, looking at a giant mess on my desk, and basically a bit loopy when I think about all the paperwork I am trying to slog through. On the bright side, I am sipping sweet tea and soon will be chilling to Pandora radio, Billie Holiday radio, a station I have designed for myself. Gotta love that.

And sooner or later, I will get to go home. I am launching a full out attack on the paperwork, and can always finish up tomorrow....

The important thing, I am learning, for me, is to appreciate the small things.

So here I go. Off to do just that.

Looking elsewhere...

2010-03-26T08:22:00.002-04:00

I am so glad that it is Friday that I could burst. This week seemed to last forever, and I had several meeting commitments at work. I still managed my Monday and Wednesday Al-Anon meetings, and plan on going tonight and tomorrow as well. I am also glad this month is coming to a close next week. March has taken a lot out of me.

Last week I applied for another job online, and yesterday I got a call for an interview. This job is a COMPLETE departure from what I do now, and has nothing to do with any of the education I have either. It is at a place that I love to frequent when I can afford it, and it is a very upscale coffee shop. I would just be making coffee and waiting on customers. Issue is, it pays more than the three-in-one job I have right now, that I end up working minimum of 60 hours a week.... Also this is a job where if I work over 40 hours, I will actually be paid overtime. I have grown to realize that in my current field, I have basically done the work of the two or three people, often making great positive changes for the agencies I've worked for, to the point of helping run these agencies. Yet when the subject of getting paid a commensurate wage comes up (and it is always raised by me), they offer me a new job title or some shit, and never any more money. It is ridiculous. So I am a bit over this, and getting too old and sick to live without health insurance, or work hundreds of hours, solving every crisis, on call 24/7, without getting paid for it. So am I willing to do a job that has nothing to do with my life for the last 25 years of job experience at the age of 40? YES.

Who knows? Living may be interesting.

Checking in....

2010-03-24T07:44:00.002-04:00

I've been busy and lazy and no longer have Internet service at home, so blogging has not been a priority for me lately. I've been reading lots of blogs, especially my favorites, because my homepage is iGoogle and I have Google Reader on it, but not been blogging myself.

The past few weeks I have relented and went back on medication. I was hoping - and still hope - that this is something I won't have to do the rest of my life, but for the moment, it beats the alternative. Hell, it may even be keeping me alive. Who knows? The long and short of it is that I am no longer in the depths of despair. I am still not an optimist, nor optimistic about the future. But I don't think that I won't be able to make it any longer... (what an awkward sentence) Those of you who have been there will know what I mean. And those of you who haven't, well, use your imagination, or judge me; at this point I know that it's not up to me.

Part of the reason I am feeling better I attribute to the weather. It's finally spring in Kentucky, and we have fabulous seasons. Today it may reach 70 degrees (F), so I am planning on doing a road trip to visit my last two out of town clients this afternoon. I am glad that I have the ability to somewhat plan my schedule at times to do this when the weather is not bad.

On the home front, things are the same. I finally declared war on the mess last weekend, and spent most of the day cleaning the tiny kitchen. It had not been cleaned AT ALL since before I went into the hospital, so there was about 3 to 4 weeks of dirty dishes, trash, etc. All gone now. The entire day I was resentful about having to clean up after the other 3 people who live in my apartment, especially when two of them are perfectly capable of doing dishes or taking out the trash - at 14 and 47, they really should. I was also horrified to find they have been telling my 4 yr old daughter just to "throw that on the floor, mommy will get it." This, to me, is beyond obnoxious.

Two days ago I came home from a 11 hour work day and my Al-Anon meeting and my husband was drunk. I avoided him the best I could, but honestly, I was seething inside. I read until I fell asleep. Then yesterday he calls me at work, sober, and he asks me what I am planning to do that evening (meaning what am I going to make them for supper). I told him, "Well that depends in part on you. If I come home and you are drunk like you were last night, I am leaving." He said he was only drinking, not drunk (despite the fact he almost fell over in the kitchen while meddling while I was making dinner). I told him "Alcoholics can't drink. Drinking is drunk to an alcoholic." He admitted that was true. And he said no more. And he was not drunk when I got home last night. But of course, today is another day. And I have no expectations for him at all anymore.

At work I have been keeping more healthy boundaries. This has caused some major flack of course. One person who makes more than me yet has less than 1/3 the education or experience stated she was not going to be on call, and talked about how much she resented doing anything after business hours. She has only recently, in the past 3 weeks, had to do any of it because I have stopped doing it all. I did it for a year, never complained. Now it is actually funny - and affirming - to me to hear someone else complain about it and make a big deal about it. In the same meeting, I clarified my job title and explained to the owners of the company that I was in actuality still doing three jobs and really would not be available to handle every crisis that occurs. Still no money coming my way, so I am the lowest paid person I know doing even one of my job titles. But for my sanity, I have pulled back. Yesterday I even told them I had put in my 8 hours and I was tired, so I was going home and going to bed. And I did. It was a nice 30 minute nap.

So today I am working on lots of paperwork, meeting someone at the office here in 30 minutes to help do an assessment, and then going to visit out of town clients in the afternoon. Here's to a day with some sanity and serenity...

A long strange trip....

2010-03-12T11:50:00.002-05:00

It's been over a week since I have blogged, and that is because I have been through alot in the last week or so.

Last Friday I checked myself into the hospital, and stayed there until Monday. Since I've been out I have been sore, tired, and basically feeling out of sorts trying to adjust to MANUALLY, PURPOSEFULLY slowing my life down somewhat. I've also felt like I have had the flu, to the point of going to bed yesterday at 3PM (totally unlike me).

So I beg forgiveness, I will try to do better soon. At home there is no Internet access at the moment, so I am reduced to blogging between paperwork and clients at work. Look forward to there being a better post soon...

All in good fun, I couldn't resist.

2010-03-10T17:21:00.002-05:00

One day at a time

2010-03-05T00:51:00.002-05:00

Well, today was the last day of my work week. As I threatened last week, I am going to take a day or so off to get some counseling and hopefully get my mental health treatment back on track. And by "back on track" I mean to *begin.* I have been coached by my family of origin not to tell too much, or else I may be committed. And I have been the recipient of several guilt trips from my family over how I am abandoning them to seek help for myself. And of course, several people at work did their best to talk me out of taking a day off. Apparently the idea that I won't be around to listen to and solve all the crises is scaring the hell out of more than a few of them.

So when I think about one day at a time, I usually think in terms of just making it through whatever day I am stuck in. I spend the entire day running ragged, being called to this place/topic/crisis/task and that one, back and forth, and not really given time in between to complete anything. Then I get home, thinking, "At last this hideous day is over." And then I am so anxious about the idea of having to face another day, I can't get to sleep. And I wake up, stressed out and depressed at the idea of having to face another day of life. Naturally my thoughts turn to ending this cycle of samsara.

Well, I am literally too tired to think anymore. I may be out of blogland for a few days. Have a good weekend.

Easy does it

2010-03-02T19:55:00.002-05:00

Today I am thinking about the concept of self care. I am overwhelmed with so many tiny little aspects of my life, and feel like I am losing my grip on my priorities, and sometimes even reality. I *KNOW* what "easy does it" means. Why is it so hard to put into practice???

Prior to the program, I created and fostered others' dependence on me because I thought that was the way to make people care about me. I thought I had to earn the love of others through working hard and getting them to like me. I thought if I took care of myself I would be selfish and uncaring. And I always had to be the best at whatever I did. If I was anything less than the best, I would not be worthy of anyone's love.

Now it's not like I have been blessed with an abundance of self esteem; quite the opposite. It's more like I am just too tired to try to excel at everything and take care of everyone else's problems. And there is a part of me that just cares a little less what others think about me anymore. It's not that I don't want people to like me. I am just learning that I can't control what others think about anything, including me.

Since I have stopped trying to be the perfect solution to everyone else, it appears others have not gotten the memo.
They still think I am supposed to fix or control things, that I am supposed to solve every issue or problem. It's exhausting.

So for tonight, I am taking deep breaths, trying to get some sleep, and not panic about everything that is crashing around me. That may be all I can do. And hopefully, it will be enough. For now.

Let go and let god...

2010-03-01T22:51:00.002-05:00

I just received a phone call where my sister asked my husband to come watch her son because my mother has the flu. What my sister did not tell him was her son is sick with the flu too. And both she and my mother want my husband to come over there to watch him from 4:30AM on, knowing my daughter - WHO IS NOT SICK WITH THE FLU - would have to come too. No thought or consideration about exposing her to an illness that is obviously very contagious. Her son has infected everyone in his house, including his mother and grandmother. Also no thought to the fact that I will most likely catch it too, as I have to drive everyone in my house everywhere as my husband's car still isn't running. None of them work. But I work 7 days a week, and really can't afford to be ill.

They also were calling to tell me not to seek treatment for my depression. They have both done their best to talk me out of getting any help for the depression, which is getting worse and worse, and have told me that I will lose my children and my job "If it gets out" that I have sought treatment or admitted that I am depressed. It's almost as if they would rather have me suffer in the disease than get help. I am not sure why they feel so threatened.

It's hard to face the fact that people who are supposed to love you, and people I have made myself ill for, don't really care.

This is one of those times that I am glad that I have listened a bit at meetings. I have learned enough from conversations and reading to know that I cannot control another person's actions, or how they feel about me.

This weekend I worked very hard cleaning out the old house. I am actively grieving over the loss of the house, and what it represented to me. It has been very difficult being there and letting go of the idea I had of myself and my life there. It represented my finally growing up and having a decent home where there was room for my children to grow up, for me to write, and for us to have heat and air conditioning, and a decent quality of life. During this time, I have been overwhelmed.

Of course, throughout the entire process, I have been fielding phone calls from work on an almost hourly basis, staff calling about "crises" which are mostly manufactured or just drama.

My blood pressure yesterday was 140/98.

Once again, this is one of those times I am grateful for the opportunity to listen to someone wiser than I. My self care response has been to repeat the title slogan above, and go to bed. Not to go to my bed and not get out, not to isolate, but to try to sleep. The anxiety has made that quite difficult, as well as the ringing of the work phone. Tonight I managed to sleep 2 hours, and during that time I got 2 work calls, the last one just before 11pm. During the day I am in training for the next two days, so I am only turning on the work phone for the morning and afternoon breaks and the lunch hour. I have heard to turn the phone off, but I work with people who are supported 24/7 by the agency, so I am supposed to be available to call out 24/7. I am grateful to be in training, to have someone else being in charge for just a little while, and all I have to do is listen. it's the closest thing I have had to a day off in quite a while.

I am grateful that my daughters have not succumbed to the flu that everyone else seems to be fighting at the moment. I am happy they have so far stayed well. My older daughter did stay home today with a sore throat, but that was from working in the house cleaning it out on Sunday for about 10 hours. With no heat on, it never got above 35 or 40 in the house.

I am grateful we got my husband's car to run long enough to get it to a mechanic in our old town. They will have it for 2 weeks and we will pick it up on the 12th. Then he will be able to drive himself to and from work. And I will not have to get up and pick him up at midnight Thursdays through Sundays. That may allow me to sleep more.

I am grateful that I am going to be seeking treatment on Friday for my depression. I am grateful for the program a therapist located to assist working people without insurance with access to mental health care. I am grateful that this therapist has come through with this resource. At first I was not that impressed with her, but I trusted the process and it may be panning out.

I am grateful that my husband helped out a little bit with the move issues. I had asked him to do about 4 tasks, and he did three of them, and refused to do the last, as it is cleaning out a refrigerator of spoiled food and he is disgusted by it. Since it has to be done, of course it will left for me to do. This is how my life has been for about the past 30 years.

I am grateful that tomorrow is another day. And if I am not here for it, I am grateful no matter what. If I am here, I am grateful for the chance that things just might get better.

Musings about the unmanageability of my life

2010-02-25T21:14:00.002-05:00

In the past few days my body has physically broken down, and I got a high fever. I tried to take the day off from work, and indeed I did not leave the apartment, but my phone rang off the hook. Crisis after crisis occurred and I was called to give direction or feedback on what to do, how to handle the crisis.

I took a two hour nap, but I also cleaned the apartment twice, cooked three meals, and did the dishes 4 or 5 times. I also broke up numerous fights between my daughters and listened to three drama meltdowns from my 14 year old daughter.

I was also told by my husband - who has done nothing about getting the things out of our old house we lost - that he is not going to help in anyway get the rest of the things out of that house, nor get it ready to turn back over to the owner. This responsibility will fall squarely on me. His response when I stated that I really needed assistance in completing the task? "Just tell them to take us to court."
This does nothing to help me.

I am just overwhelmed. My life became unmanageable from the moment I first drew a cognizant breath. I am powerless over anyone taking responsibility for anything that is their problem. I am powerless over the alcohol that is constantly making my life so much more difficult, even though I never drink a drop of the nasty crap myself anymore.

I am very tired.

I am losing my will.

Hopefully this is making room for HP's will. If not, I have no hope.

Gratitude and Creature Comforts

2010-02-23T20:50:00.003-05:00

This January one of my best friends had a fire in her home, and although it was confined to one room, there was extensive smoke damage. As a result she got rid of her bed. My husband and I moved the old bed into our bedroom and we are enjoying lying on a bed that does not hurt our backs. Our old bed was rough, but the kids want it, so we are putting it in their room. Now hopefully the 4 year old will be able to sleep with her sister instead of crowding and cramping me to the edge of my bed and severe back and leg pain each night. I am not noticing any major smoke damage or smell or whatever, so I am hoping this will help my daily back, hip and leg pain.

Just got off the phone with a coworker, adding more to my to-do list for tomorrow at work.

Despite having the flu, I was not able to take a day off work. And won't be able tomorrow either. But coworker is taking three days off to go to Florida on a vacation. I am trying not to think too hard about that.

So I am grateful I have a job, even if I have to work between 60-90 hours a week.
I am grateful there is a roof over my head and my children's heads for this month.
I am grateful my car has not gotten repossessed at this time.
I am grateful I was able to get a small advance from my boss today to buy gas for the car and food for my family.
I am grateful that I am still able to work to try to support my family despite ongoing chronic health issues and worsening health.
I am grateful that I got to take 45 minutes break from work today to take my 4 year old to the library so she could attend story time and make a craft - an owl backpack!
I am grateful that she was able to stay on task the entire time and complete the craft with minimal assistance from me, and that she thanked the librarian afterwards. I am grateful she was very polite and acted so pleasantly. Like a little lady!
I am grateful that I have electricity, water and even Internet access!
I am grateful that I am going to sleep tonight.
I am grateful that my husband did some dishes today and helped me with moving the bed into our apartment.
I am grateful my exhusband is taking the 14 yr old for Spring Break.
I am grateful I live within a 10 minute drive of a park with a waterfall and beautiful brook running through it, so I can pass my love for hiking on to my children.

Sometimes a meeting can cure anything.

2010-02-22T21:20:00.002-05:00

Tonight I am grateful I got to go to my Monday night home group meeting. It was a long hectic day at work, so I was glad to get there. I have been feverish, achy and had a sore throat all day, so it was nice to get to sit down and listen to some ESH. Tonight's topic was patience, and I needed to hear it. Not that anyone shook my world with any ideas, but to understand that others also struggle with this, and perhaps even more than I do.

I am also grateful for the "spiritual awakening" moment I had yesterday afternoon and evening. It was a warm, sunny day, (high 60 degrees F) and I took the kids to a park that has some waterfalls and brooks running through it. Waterfalls rejuvenate me somehow, they always have. I also love mountains. They center me somehow.

In doing this, I realized that I am not indispensable to any group, whether it be work or my family or anywhere.

And I also realized that if I keep doing nothing but working, never taking a day off, I am not going to live much longer. And when overwork kills me, there will still be more work, and other people to do the work.

This is both sad and liberating.

When I get like this, I dream of running away, becoming a writer, and not ever looking back.

And there is some small part of me that asks:

What would be so wrong with that?

First things first

2010-02-20T22:52:00.002-05:00

Today was another one of those days where I gave my all, and it was not good enough.

Instead of feeling inadequate however, it afforded me several conclusions:

1. I work harder than anyone I ever met.

2. That work is not worth my life.

3. I no longer am willing to make this trade.

So I came home. I am going to ignore my phone tomorrow and take my first day off since October. If there are any emergencies, someone else is going to have to handle it. Life can go on without me.

And if I don't stop letting myself get stressed out with all this drama, created by others, it will have to go on without me permanently.

So I came home around 9pm from work. And proceeded to have what felt almost like an anxiety attack. And then I put on a nightgown, took my anxiety medication (which I have hoarded from last year when I had insurance coverage), and proceeded to watch a Harry Potter movie. Now I'm in bed on the laptop.

It's time to reassert my boundaries. And stick to them.

It's time to try to save my life.

Before it's not worth saving.

TGIF?????

2010-02-19T10:28:00.002-05:00

Today has begun like most of the other days this week: harried, full of others miscommunicating and looking for someone else to blame, and I am isolating from it all.

I am going to take deep breaths, try to calm down, and try to get through the training that I am going to teach here in about 20 minutes.....

Serenity Now, isn't that what Mr Constanza and Kramer used to say????

Blood from a stone

2010-02-18T21:40:00.002-05:00

This is how I am feeling today. So far this week I have worked almost 60 hours (and have to work tomorrow and Saturday), and feel like there is no end in sight.

I have been getting lots of calls for people wanting money. It's not that I don't know I owe money. I know I do. It's not that I don't want to pay off my student loans and the car, but I have such a limited amount, that I have to decide what to pay with the small income. If I pay the car loan and the rent, I can't pay the utilities. And god forbid if I buy groceries. Forget clothes and toiletries. I guess I am wondering how other people do it. With the current schedule I can't really get another job (although I have been applying for whatever is hiring). I have also been trying to save money by spending as little money as I can, buying the cheapest groceries, skipping all medical care (except had to fork over $50 to see the therapist last week for 45 minutes), and basically driving as little as I can.

And although I know I shouldn't, I still feel pangs of bitterness that through all of this, my alcoholic can still afford his booze.

So how does one save money in this economy? How does one make money in this economy? When an education and hard work aren't enough?

Another long day....

2010-02-16T23:30:00.003-05:00

Today was another long day at work. I started working from home on paperwork and phone calls around 8am, and I just sent my last fax and took my last call a few minutes ago, at 11:30pm.

There was alot to do today. And by working I forgot about my depression and the stress of all the things that are falling apart in my life.

I am sorry to admit this is why I am a workaholic too. It is nothing for me to work days like this, or a series of days like this. It's Tuesday and I have already worked 26 hours. And I am salaried, so I *don't* get paid by the hour.

Work is an escape.
It is where I get my esteem.
And it;s where I can get patted on the back for my perfectionistic, control-freak tendencies.

Like a good and grateful Al-Anon, I can admit all these things now.

So when I look at shortcomings, I have to admit this is one of my shortcomings.
I have to admit the truth.
No matter how well this character defect has served me, it has also brought me alot of resentment and problems.

Today I was able to do what I have to do, and I am not resenting it. Not when it was happening, and not now. This is a gift.

I am happy I was able to get what I got done, and happy to have a job in these economic times.

Finally, I am happy to be home, watching Letterman, typing in bed on my laptop. My laptop is back working (after $250 to replace the hard drive) and we have internet after me paying the $140 bill, plus the $25 reconnect charge.

I am happy I am learning to stay in the bedroom and stay away from my alcoholic who is either drunk or manic, or both, for the second day in a row and is acting loud and bizarre and argumentative.

I am trying not to think about being trapped in my own home by this situation.

This is what I am going to do: read until I fall asleep and then let myself sleep until just before 8am, if possible, and then drive my car to the office instead of leaving it for the alcoholic, so I am not trapped anywhere or dependent upon him to get anywhere.

Try to take care of myself.

Find that next right step.

Gratitudes...
1, Found an online OA meeting last night and really enjoyed it. Got some ESH and shared some ESH.
2. Found an online Al-Anon meeting last night, and was so happy I did. I still really prefer face to face (f2f) meetings, but when I'm snowed in or unable to face leaving the house, I am so grateful that online meetings exist.
3. My daughter, Tara
4. I have a job
5. I'm able to lie in bed right now.
6. Taking time for a shower this morning, and enjoying the lavender and jasmine shower gel!
7. Caffeine, and going to Starbucks this morning with my boss (he paid again!)
8. That my daughter is still up to see me (since I have been gone all day) and is watching Stupid Pet Tricks with me.
9. My HP, and the people whose blogs I read who inspire me to remember gratitude.

There must be more, but I am getting too sleepy to be coherent...

Snow days and blue days....

2010-02-15T18:28:00.003-05:00

There is something about a snow storm that folks aren't ready for.

Overnight we got slammed with the edge of a clipper system (delivering 3 to 6 or 6 to 9 inches, depending on where you are and who you ask), on top of last week's 4 inches of snow, which was on top of the 3 inches and then 2 inches of the week before.... Long story short, our town is running low on salt and today being a federal holiday, they decided not to treat the roads until later. This gave me the fun experience of having to turn around (and get stuck!) on my trip to work this morning, and drive back home.

Something about being back in the house and having limits imposed on my ability to go out and get away from my kids and my husband kind of makes us all a bit stir crazy. Since moving to the apartment, we have no room to get away from each other and just be in a more serene place without all the interruptions.

We are living in basically three rooms here, and it is a far cry from the house we lost.
It has forced us to confront how we don't really get along, and don't really have much in common except living together.

And it has been interesting that we are already holing up in our respective spots in the apartment. The 14 yr old in one bedroom, me in the other, and my husband in the living room.

Not that I've gotten a diagnosis of seasonal affective disorder, but it does seem that this winter has been harder on me. I miss sunlight and warmth. I need space to move around in. And right now, outdoor space is too cold.

So no, we're not in the midst of the snow corridor, but it has been enough to clip my wings enough to cause some anxiety.

I have gotten the nerve up to seek counseling, and got a call today that they are able to shoehorn me in to see a nurse practitioner next week to get back on meds. This was not the easiest decision to make for lots of reasons. First, I am concerned that if it keeps getting worse, I will be forced to take medication my entire life. I also am concerned because I don't have health insurance, so the list of medications I can afford is very limited. And I am not sure I can arrange to see someone who can write a prescription for the meds, especially on an ongoing basis. There is layer upon layer of what is causing me to hesitate when it comes to turning to meds to help again.

On the other hand, 40 years is enough time for me to know that I need something more to help me beat this.

No matter how much my family or my alcoholic criticizes me, I know that I am my own worst critic. This does nothing to help me fight this.

One more thing the weather does is keep me from a meeting. Tonight I am going to look online to see if I can find a online meeting. Some way to get my meeting when I can't get to a meeting.

As I've been typing this I've had the A & E show "Intervention" on. My alcoholic came in and said, "Are you still watching this shit?" Meanwhile I keep typing.

Sorry for the meandering and pointless post. Maybe later I will be able to be more coherent.

I am getting ready to start reading Pia Mellody's Facing Codependence and Breaking Free. I hope they help. My sponsor has recommended them. I am hoping they will help me.

It's almost Friday....

2010-02-11T19:10:00.002-05:00

Today I worked very hard, and in fact, am still at the office after being on the road with work stuff most of the day. I have typed until I am *done,* and a bit dismayed that the blower on the furnace at work is not working so there is no heat. The fingers get stiff and cold, to say the least... but tomorrow is payday, and I can buy a space heater then.

I am feeling good because I got some good affirmation from my boss today, and we got alot accomplished. We traveled through about 1/3 the state and had a pleasant trip.

I came back to the office and made some calls and everyone I talked to was very positive. A person I work with told me that I had made her happy today, and answered her prayers. How often do we get to hear that at work, and know that it comes from the heart??? Awesome.

My alcoholic has gotten two additional shifts at work now, which puts him away for most of the weekend, every weekend. This will help my serenity, and hopefully give me some quiet time. I was discussing this with a fellow Al-Anon, who said this would upset her, as she hates when her husband is away because it "makes her a single parent." I was a single parent for 8 years, and I loved it. And I can handle my daughters most of the time. Sure, they drive me nuts, but hey, they are kids, and pretty amazing considering I have a 14 year old and a 4 year old sharing the same room!

Tomorrow night I have organized a "Fun Party" at work, with my cousin, whom I never get to see, as the distributor. Everyone at work seems to be looking forward to it. And it will be nice to see everyone having fun, and to see my cousin again.

Oh well, I think I need to go home and feed the girls and walk the dog. With any luck I will have Internet access at home again by tomorrow night and will be able to work more on this blog this weekend.

A different take on Step Twelve:

2010-02-10T11:23:00.002-05:00

Pardon the strangeness, but today I am completing some final paperwork for a friend of mine who died early Saturday morning and so I am thinking about him.

Anyway, on to Step 12:

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to {other addicts, alcoholics, others} and to practice these principles in all our affairs

The interesting thing is that the Steps are written in past tense. I have been to alot of meetings where much is made of this, and I have heard lots of different takes on it. Mainly I think it is because the writer(s) of the Big Book, Bill W., et al., are telling us what worked for them. They even say that in parts of the Big Book.

The Step is awesome.

First, it promises us a SPIRITUAL AWAKENING. When I first started in my program, Al-Anon, I was very skeptical about that part. But I was also convinced that my life was unmanageable, and I was at my rock bottom. I was losing my mind. Now, I see and feel more of a spiritual entity in my life.

Case in point:
I had just started working on my friend's paperwork not 45 minutes ago, and I opened the Pandora Radio website, which I listen to at work (if I am not listening to iTunes), and opened Beatles radio, a station I have customized for myself. The VERY FIRST song that came on, WITHOUT BUFFERING, was "In My Life" by the Beatles. I love this song, and want it played at my memorial service.

Here's the lyrics:

There are places I'll remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends, I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life, I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I'll love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life, I'll love you more

Before working the Steps, I would have dismissed this, or not even noticed it. Now I just see it as a gift, a song that I needed hear and feel in my heart. Thanks, HP.

Here's what the Big Book has to say about the 12th Step:

Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when other fail. Remember they are very ill.

Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends - this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.
-A.A. Big Book p.89

And from Chapter 7:

RACTICAL EXPERIENCE shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our TWELFTH SUGGESTION: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when other fail. Remember they are very ill.

Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends--this is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.

The entirety of Chapter 7 is dedicated to Step 12.
Step 12 is how we shine for others so they will think there may be hope for the future.

We show some Step 12 whenever we help a newcomer or lead a meeting where newcomers are present.

Even sharing your book at a meeting with a smile can be the welcoming hand that someone needs to see these Steps are to heaven and out of hell.

Step Eleven:

2010-02-08T22:45:00.002-05:00

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out

I like this wording of the 11th Step - using God twice instead of the Him or Her pronoun. As I've shared before, I use the female pronoun alot in my thinking. It helps me think about my Higher Power outside of the old-time, fire and brimstone punishing Old Testament God. It helps me think of my Higher Power in terms of loving, gentle, forgiving, and personally caring about me.

This is what the Big Book of AA says about the 11th Step:

Step 11 suggests prayer and meditation. We shouldn't be shy in this matter of prayer. Better men than we are using it constantly. It works, if we have the proper attitude and work at it.
-A.A. Big Book p.85-86

And from the next Chapter, "Into Action:"

STEP ELEVEN suggests prayer and meditation. We shouldn't be shy on this matter of prayer. Better men than we are using it constantly. It works, if we have the proper attitude and work at it. It would be easy to be vague about this matter. Yet, we believe we can make some definite and valuable suggestions.

When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.

On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.

In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. we relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while.

What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it.

We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work. You can easily see why.

If circumstances warrant, we ask our wives or friends to join us in morning meditation. If we belong to a religious denomination which requires a definite morning devotion, we attend to that also. If not members of religious bodies, we sometimes select and memorize a few set prayers which emphasize the principles we have been discussing. There are many helpful books also. Suggestions about these may be obtained from one's priest, minister, or rabbi. Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer.

As we go through the day we pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become much more efficient. We do not tire so easily, for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves.

It works--it really does.

As I mentioned in my last post, I was lucky enough to attend a BB Study meeting last week on part of the 6th chapter. This is just one way my HP puts information in my world at just the right time, when I am ready to hear it.

I needed to have someone share about what CONSCIOUS contact meant to them, so I could bring that idea into my life in the form of action.

I have to make an earnest and conscious effort to *communicate* with my HP. This doesn't mean to slap a wish list onto whether I am going to believe in my HP. This means to ask for help, but mostly help with what is my HP's will, not mine. After all, my will landed me in a place where *the process of recovery HAS to SAVE my life.*

The will of a Power Greater than myself is all I can really count on for saving me from my illogical thinking and damage I continue to do to myself and my life, as well as those around me. In other words, it can only get better if I let go and let God.

Since I attended that meeting, I have made a conscious effort to start my day with quiet time and prayer and meditation. The one day that I failed to do this, I really felt the difference. I became instantly irritated as soon as the first person interrupted me (and my job is the type that I have to multitask with lots of interruptions). However, when I take time for prayer and meditation, I am able to stop and think BEFORE I erupt in anger or irritation. I am able to respond with more kindness and equanimity when interrupted for the thousandth time over the smallest thing.

So, you may ask, how does a non-Christian pray?

Well, I have a great respect for Jesus, I just don't count myself among his followers. I ask my HP to help me accomplish whatever I am supposed to do that day (and only my HP really knows that I am supposed to accomplish, so there is that too). I ask to be led to the right places and helped to do the right things. And I ask for my shortcomings to be removed - not by me, because I can't do it - but by my HP. If I just act as if, and try to do the next right thing, this falls into place. Or tries to, unless my will interrupts and disrupts the process.

And when that happens... more prayer and meditation.

I find gratitude helps me get in touch with HP when I am resistant or ignorant or just plain willful.

So, for tonight:

I am thankful for:

1. My daughter's sweet little voice as she plays silly in the next room
2. My dog's unconditional love and appreciation
3. This Program I have been led to by, yes, the alcoholic in my life, my husband, so I guess I am thankful for him too!
4. My older daughter sharing some anti-smoking and anti-alcohol campaign posters she designed for an assignment at school
5. My friends showing me some kindness and caring through the blogs and Facebook
6. Attending an Al-Anon meeting tonight and hearing words come out of my mouth that I did not know were going to come out, including asking to read a reading that I did not know I would, or plan on.... very neat experience!
7. My renewed decision to take better care of myself, including lying down to rest this afternoon and making better food choices
8. The possibility of a snow day tomorrow and the fact that I work a flexible job and my boss does not require me to drive in bad weather (he is from Cameroon in Africa, and does not like to drive in snow either!)
9. The fact that my apartment complex has an INDOOR POOL and if we are snowed in I have the option of taking the girls swimming to get them out of the house for some fun and good exercise
10. The chili I made last night was even more delicious tonight
11. Getting to see my mother and my niece and nephew today
12. Going to pick up the grocery staples we needed (milk, eggs, bread) after my Al-Anon meeting tonight
13. The presence of a borrowed movie, library books and TWO sets of speaker tapes in my apartment so I will be plenty entertained if I get snowed in
14. Internet access and my computer has a new hard drive, double the size of the old one, so it is working even better
15. Open AA meetings where I can learn how to live

Good night, and good gratitudes to you.

Step Ten:

2010-02-07T21:03:00.002-05:00

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it

This is what the AA Big Book has to say about Step 10:

How It Works

This thought brings us to Step Ten, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code.
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone--even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality--safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is our experience. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.

It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee--Thy will (not mine) be done." These are thoughts which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.

Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power. If we have carefully followed directions, we have begun to sense the flow of His Spirit into us. To some extent we have become God-conscious. We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense. But we must go further and that means more action.
-A.A. Big Book p.84-86

I was extremely blessed (see how my Higher Power works miracles?) to attend a Big Book Study meeting of AA last week and we read the parts about Steps 10 and 11. Because of the sharings I heard at this meeting, I have actively tried to work Step 7 more thoroughly through daily prayer and meditation.

It has made a huge difference.

I have noticed that I am better able to sense when I am being mean or irritable or short with others. I have also been able to take time to try to take a nap today, and not be panicked about the things that are not getting done in the cleaning of my apartment. I have enjoyed cuddling with my 4 year old daughter and my dog today, in bed. And we all seem to be happier. At one point I was fussing at my daughter, and she just put her hands over her ears. That really was a slap to attention for me.

She can't listen to what I am saying because of how I am saying it.

How often has this happened to me, in my own life? My family members have given me wisdom over the years and I have not heeded it because it was accompanied with negativity or insults or hurtful words.

It will take DAILY if not HOURLY inventory-taking of myself on my part to break the cycle of this shortcoming and take the sting out of my words to others.

Thank my HP that my youngest is only 4 and I can change my ways before she thinks of me as this shrill shrew forever.

Step 10 to me says that I will continue to work the 4th and possibly the 5th Step and then the 9th so I can continue to grow.

I know I have more shortcomings than I can ever address. I have to trust my HP to continue to bring these to my attention so I can work on them daily.

And the other piece - when I am wrong, I PROMPTLY admit it.

This is so hard for me. I hate to be wrong. (laughing out loud here) I mean, I'm in Al-Anon because I, in all my rightness, could not fix that alcoholic I married.

On the other hand, I named my blog The Not Right Writer. So on some level, I *know* I'm not right.

Admission of wrongs is very freeing. It lets me say, "Hey, this is not working," so I can go ahead and do something else.

If I do this on a daily basis, hourly basis, if I continue to take personal inventory, then I can do the next right thing the very next time. I can change my mind. I can make things better.

What a gift.

Saturday evening gratitude

2010-02-06T18:57:00.002-05:00

This morning I was awakened earlier than usual by work-related things that had to be done, so I did not get a chance to do a morning prayer and meditation, and I felt it all day.
To address this, I am going to take a few minutes now to do so... Better late than never, and it will help me rest better tonight as well as be more positive to my children and husband.

Today I am grateful that I got to attend a meeting.
I am grateful that I LISTENED more and talked less so I could hear the voice of my HP in the sharings of my Al-Anon friends as we discussed STEP TWO.
I am grateful that I just happened to bring my Paths to Recovery book, and that was what the person leading the meeting wanted to use as readings.
I am grateful that I heard some words, "God did for me what I could not do for myself," today for like the 100th time, but I was able to really hear it and think about how it can apply to my depression.
I am grateful I went to an economical lunch of healthy vegetable -based soup and salad (tomato basil soup and shrimp/spinach salad!) with my Al-Anon group after the meeting.
I am grateful that a book I ordered on living a more simple life came in to the bookstore and I got to go pick it up. I am also grateful that my HP has used my losing my home to lead me to live a simpler life.
I am grateful that after the bookstore we went to Whole Foods and I did not buy anything, but I did look around and think how I could make changes in the shopping I do for my family to make things simpler and cheaper while actually raising our quality of life.
I am grateful I got some time away from my daughters today and then when I came home they have not fought with me or been cruel to me, or have I felt like I must yell to defend myself.
I am grateful that my husband worked a full shift today and then came home and made supper and served me in bed! I was very surprised and grateful for this.
I am grateful that I am going to rest this evening and I don't have to go back out again or drive anyone anywhere.
I am also grateful that there is a breakfast meeting down the road tomorrow morning, and I am planning on going.

Thanks for reading. I am grateful to the blogosphere for the wisdom I get from reading. I may not always comment, but I read the blogs I follow faithfully. Because they teach me so much.

Step Nine:

2010-02-06T02:45:00.002-05:00

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

And from the AA Big Book:
Although these reparations take innumerable forms, there are some general principles which we find guiding. Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing. We have to be. We must not shrink at anything.
-A.A. Big Book p.79

After Step Nine, in the Big Book, are the Promises. These are read at every AA meeting, and every time I hear or read them I feel a glimmer of hope:

The 12 promises are from pps. 83-84 of the Big Book.
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through . . .

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity.
We will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fullfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

It says they will ALWAYS materialize if we work for them.

A few Al-Anon meetings ago, I mentioned that I was grateful for the AA Promises. I was informed by some oldtimers that we in Al-Anon have our own Promises. Sooooo.... extra credit to the person who can name the source and cite the Al-Anon promises.

Okay, Step Nine is, for me, in my immediate future. Steps Six and Seven have been eating my lunch, kicking my butt, and finally opening my eyes and heart. I have my list of persons harmed from my Step 4 and 5. So as I see it, I just got to get willing to face alot of those people and then I will begin Step Nine, the act of being responsible for my part to these people.

Amends can take many different forms. Sometimes they are an apologizing. Other times they are a recognizing and a payment of a debt. Other times they are just the openmindedness and good will to begin a complicated or troubled relationship anew so it can grow from healthier soil.

I almost made the typo there of saying "so it can grow from healthier SOUL." Very interesting.

Part of my Step 7 working is to know there are NO coincidences.

Rest assured, Dear Reader, that I will write more about Step 9 as I live it. For now, my only words are that I see it as a necessary operation to the soul. And this program has not led me astray yet.

(On a sadder note, I want to pause here for a moment of sadness, grief and gratitude. Tonight a friend had what appeared to be a seizure and quit breathing. He was revived by emergency services, and taken to the hospital. He passed away about 4 hours later. He will be missed. But I am grateful for having known him and being able to work with him. His simple love of life, enjoyment in the small things, and love and appreciation for those who cared for him was touching and both a gift and a lesson for me. Thank you, Sammy.)

Morning Meditation upon Gratitude

2010-02-05T09:38:00.002-05:00

Hey HP,
Thanks for the note about taking care of my problems today. I needed that reminder. In fact, I seem to need it everyday. Think I should print it out so I can see it on the bathroom mirror? I thought so.
Thanks for a night of sleep. I appreciated getting to lay this broken shell down for a few hours.
Thank you also for the 1 1/2 hours of quiet I have had this morning. It has helped alot.
Thank you for a job that is flexible about when I go into work in the mornings. On mornings when I have pain, it takes me longer and being accommodated in that way helps me stay sane!
Thank you for my sweet little daughter. Thank you for her love and her positive energy, and the message you send to me daily through her: that as long as I try to do my best, I can be forgiven for the times I am irritable or unreasonable.
Thank you for the teenager. Thank you for showing me my shortcomings in the mirror that is her eyes. I place her in your care, because I am inadequate to handle her anymore.
Thank you for being there when I am talking and when I am giving you the silent treatment.
Thank you for being patient with my stupidity as I muck around and try to figure things out for myself.
Thank you for laughing gently and being indulgent with me as I figured out that all I have to be is willing. And thank you for accepting my willingness, no matter how long it took.
Thank you for the roof over my head, the food we have, and the friends I have in this world. Please keep taking care of them, You do so much better than I ever can or could.
Thank you for the readings you have given me, and the program that you led me to.
Thank you for saving my life when I was trying to waste it.
Thank you for giving me life when I didn't deserve or appreciate it.
Thank you for giving me an open mind and respect for all your people.
Thank you for being there.
Love,
Terre
Peace out.

Step Eight:

2010-02-03T15:43:00.003-05:00

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all

From the AA Big Book:

How It Works

We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self- appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol.
-A.A. Big Book p.76

This is the Step I take next. Me and my HP are still sitting on Step 7. Well, I am sitting and HP is smiling at me indulgently, much as one would at the child I am.

The deal is, most of the people I listed in my Step 4 are no longer in my life. Through death or being in distant geographic places. Those that are still in my life, well, amends are going to be difficult.

But that's okay. No one said these Steps would be a painless process. I can be rather dense, so sometimes I need to be reminded of my life lessons in a painful or difficult manner. That's okay.

Maybe I will wise up SOON so things won't have to hurt so badly?

(An aside: I was at a meeting on Monday and fighting the beginnings of a heavy depression. I commented that I was tired of people telling me what a strong person I am for having put with my alcoholic, or having lived through suicides of friends, or attempted suicides of friends or whatever, and I wanted the opportunity to NOT be strong. ???What was that??? When I look back on this comment, I think it is just me wanting to escape, and the only thing I keep trying to escape is myself, being me.)

Yesterday my boss took me and the other half of the management team out to lunch at a nice restaurant to thank us for all our hard work. We had some great conversation, and he said some pretty insightful stuff. One thing he said struck me and has stayed with me. He said that people should be able to deal with anything as long as people (others as well as ourselves!) are honest. And yet sometimes that is the hardest part.

This Step, Step 8, is about honesty as well as willingness. I have to look at who I owe amends to, and I have to be willing to make them. The Program is kind to us though, and saves the actual amends making until the next Step. In this, as in Step Six, I am being asked to be willing.

And how can I not be willing when I have already been literally saved by working these Steps up to this point?

As I mentioned in an early post, I was able to make amends for my immaturity and dependency to my grandmother on Sunday, June 7, 2009. In the early Monday morning of the 8th of June, she died. I was standing in my kitchen at my house, which I have now lost, when my mother called to tell me the news. A piece of my heart was ripped away when I heard her cries, and it is still gone and hurts still. But I have this program to thank because REGRET is not poisoning my grief. She knew I love her. She told me she loved me too.

There are others I was not able to make amends to. From the experience, strength and hope I have gotten from others in Al-Anon meetings with me, I know that is NOT too late to make amends to the people who have died. More than one person had told me about graveside amends, and about writing a letter, reading it aloud and watching it go up to heaven in smoke. Those people have passed on to another realm, and they know when we are sorry and when we have made our amends. Everyone does the best they can until they learn better, and I completely believe that people who have died know this truth better because they have passed on. (I have no idea if this makes sense, but I feel this strongly.)

Finally there will be those who I have to face and fess up to. I don't relish that, but I look forward to knowing that they will know I have done my best until I knew better, and now know better. I will look forward to the removal of regret.

Thanks for listening...
May all your dealings be honest, and not create an amends for later!

And from the Urban Dictionary....

2010-02-03T07:56:00.002-05:00

Supposedly you can type your name in urbandictionary.com and get a little blurb.

Mine's not little:

Terre 5 up, 1 down
buy terre mugs, tshirts and magnets
an earthy beauty that debates eloquently or ghetto,with or without facts, for fun and to force dynamic-diverse perspectives on the subject debated; the reflection of a bright gapped tooth smile on a yellow happy face; a momme who keeps it too real with her children-mistakes included so they are taught humanism; the color of the bright and yellow paint on Honey's wall; Krazy AzzAuntie;a pressence of opposition that provoke
violence in a vengeful manner;an independent person who loves to sing to music stuck on mental replay; a beautiful mind not afraid of existing in the constraints & safety of a snow bubble world of their own; aka Res Nullius; Suo Jure-;Ride or Die lover who never forgives bullshit! Radiant,
Radiantice
Mr. Right had a wonderful evening with his date because she was Terre.
happy defiante yellow vengence thought provoking debate loving earth strong willed bitch radiant radiantice
by Dixi Suo Jure Aug 27, 2008 share this

What keeps you hangin' on....

2010-02-02T16:14:00.004-05:00

Last night after her bath, Tara (my 4 yr old daughter) cuddled up on the couch and fell asleep in less than 5 minutes. Ok, Letterman was on, and she loves Letterman, but after a full day of diva-dom, she just had to sleep.

Step Seven:

2010-02-01T23:36:00.002-05:00

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

The AA Big Book has this to say about Step Seven:

How It Works

When ready, we say something like this: "My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your bidding. Amen." We have then completed Step Seven.
-A.A. Big Book p.76

Notice the Big Book basically gives us a prayer? Yeah, I wanted more too!

But then I realized, I need to shut up and pray!

Prayer is one of those things that I don't do well. Well, I used to. I have felt my heart thrum with the beat of something Greater and More Powerful than I will ever be. I was raised Catholic, and was very influenced by my grandmother and grandfather (whom I have discussed here) whose favorite prayer was the Rosary. The last time I said the Rosary was at my grandmother's wake, and I was lulled and comforted by the words as well as the feeling she would have been so happy people were praying with her one last time.

The key word here is HUMBLY.

In Step Six, I had to think long and hard about why I was clinging to my character defects, and how they are serving me. When I realized that they were doing nothing but slowing me down and distancing me from what and where I need to be, I became less willing to cling to them.

This week I have been looking at another character defect of mine - depression.
How does depression serve me?
Does it get me out of work? No. But does it tell me when I need to stop and take care of myself? Yes.
It also teaches me that I am powerless over my emotions.
But feelings are NOT facts.
So am I ready to let it go?

Having lived this long, I have to scream YES.
Because if I don't let it go, it is not going to let me go.

And having lived through this, I know that I need to ask Something Bigger, Better and More Powerful than me to take it away.
Please.

And I need to do this humbly. As if I could reasonably be anything but.

So here is my 7th Step Prayer:

Sweet HP, I am now willing that you should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and yours. Grant me strength, as I go out from here, to do your wise wants, not mine. Amen.

Update....

2010-02-01T23:17:00.002-05:00

I am so blessed to be able to read the wondrous and wise things people have been posting as comments to my last post.

I was in a dark place, and still am, to a degree. But in the midst of this, I made some choices I want to share:

1. I put one foot in front of the other and walked about a block or so to my home group Al-Anon meeting. When asked for topic suggestions, I spoke up. I asked for "This too shall pass." (Imagine my surprise when more than one person commented with this slogan as well!)

2. To get to the meeting, I had to walk over a bridge. I did stop on the bridge, but I kept thinking about my 4 year old daughter's face, and I kept walking to the meeting.

3. I stayed after the meeting and talked to my co-sponsor. (I call her my co-sponsor because she is the second sponsor I have, my first lives in another county now [I moved] and this one lives closer and attends meetings that I do. My first sponsor's path and mine cross less and less since I moved.) Listening to her wisdom always helps. She is a down to earth and wonderful, wise woman.

4. I went to run errands with a friend after that. I did not go straight home.

5. When I got home the alcoholic was manic and drunk and making no sense. Instead of making excuses for him in front of the guest that was there, I asked him what he meant. When he could not make sense, I told him that he was not making sense and does not make sense to me when he is drunk, so I would need to talk to him tomorrow when he sobers up. I did not engage further.

6. Earlier today I got a book by Dr Wayne Dyer - and then the wise, wondrous and loving Ms Hen asks me if I know Dr Dyer. I picked up "Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life" at lunch today.

7. I called and set up a mental health appointment for myself on the 9th of this month. I don't have health insurance, or much money, but this is another part of my recovery that I have to take care of. This is part of the taking care of myself that I can't ignore anymore.

So, this is my long-winded and winding THANK YOU and BLESS YOU to everyone who cared enough to read, and everyone who cared enough to comment.

I am no stranger to this hideous disease called depression. I have walked into this neighborhood more than once, and still it scares me to death.

Thanks for helping me see I am not alone.

Not a good day....

2010-02-01T18:01:00.002-05:00

In the past I have made no secret that I have dealt with severe depression in the past.

It appears that it is back for another round.

If I had known that growing up, growing up, and existing was this hard, I never would have bothered.

The alcoholic continues to drink.

I continue to want to escape it all.

Step Seven may have to wait a few days.

Step Six:

2010-01-30T10:08:00.002-05:00

Were entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character

Notice it *doesn't* say "I removed all these defects of character through my perfect strong will," OR "I am now without defects of character."

At this point all that is being asked is to be entirely ready.

From the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

How It Works

We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? Can He now take them all, everyone? If we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask God to help us be willing.
-A.A. Big Book p.76

Have the other Steps worn me out by this point? Maybe it's because I have been trying to do my Higher Power's part of the process as well. This is a Step that will stop me in the tracks if that is what I have been doing.

This Step doesn't ask me to do anything other than be honest with myself and my Higher Power (I call her HP for short.)

Am I entirely ready to let go of these defects of character?

My defects for the most part are linked either to my immaturity (spiritual and emotional) or to actual character strengths that I took waaayyy overboard and used to death, and now have manifested themselves into character defects that haunt me rather than coping mechanisms that help me.

Case in point: Being aware of what's going on became taking other's inventory, projecting catastrophe before it happens, nosiness, intrusiveness and overwhelming, overdeveloped responsibility. Being a person who does not drink became self-righteous indignation and judgemental-ness of anyone who dare take a drink, or take cold medicine to help them sleep.

(I became aware of this part last night at a meeting where several people who are stressed out by their lives with their alcoholics stated they wanted to go home and take cold medicine to sleep, and they did not have colds. I made a noise like I was going to put my two cents in there about that being medicating a problem, not unlike an alcoholic might do, BUT then I shut up. I am not living their lives, not walking in their shoes.)

What this Step asks of me is to be ready to let go of the barriers to my living a more balanced and healthy life. It doesn't say I have to do it in a day or a week or a month. It doesn't say *I* have to do it at all.

What it does say is that I need to be ENTIRELY READY for HP/GOD to do HIS/HER part.
All I have to do is let go.

I am so ready.

My best thinking, they say, got me here. If I am to get past "here," something better needs to happen to and for me. I have to have help.
And I accept the help because that's why I came.

Keep coming back.

Happiness 101 Award!!!!

2010-01-29T22:39:00.003-05:00

Thank you BettyAnn, AKA Ms Hen, for the award!!! You are an inspiration to lots of us out here in Blogland!

In keeping with the tradition, I am giving this award to Syd of I'm Just F.I.N.E. - Recovery in Al-Anon, Kelly of Just Kelly Here, and Little M of "Came to Believe."

The 10 Things that Make Me Happy

10. Sleeping late when my bedroom is not too hot, not too cold and nice and dark
9. Reallllllly good Indian food
8. A hot bath in total silence
7. A great book
6. Getting published
5. My 4 year old daughter's hugs and kisses on my forehead when I have a migraine
4. My 14 year old daughter's drawings
3. A really good massage
2. Al-Anon meetings
1. Meditation and the peace it brings

Hmmm, what a nice opportunity to think about what makes me happy. Betty Ann already took sushi, so I wanted to branch out. If I only did one of these things a day I could add even more gratitude to my world.....

Stay tuned for Step Six!